Category Archives: holidays

Clinic Day #23

Posted on by
4

November 25, 2009

I wish I had taken a picture. Lily, Tanner’s friend who also has ALL, was at clinic today. She, Tanner, Sara (the child life specialist), and two other little girls sat around a table in the middle of the clinic and played UNO. Tanner and Lily were accessed, with tubes hanging out the bottom of their shirts. One of the other kids had an IV pole. It was such a normal scene in the middle of an abnormal situation and was testament to the fact that kids will find a way to be kids, no matter what is going on with them.

When we were getting ready to leave, Tanner and Lily sat next to each other in infusion chairs to remove the sticky patch placed over their ports to keep the needle stable. Lily casually said, “Tanner, do you need some Remove? I have some you can use.” Tanner took the little packets and then both of them pulled up their shirts and began rubbing the pads along the patch to try to loosen the sticky stuff. They each worked for a couple of minutes getting the patch off, then Lily unceremoniously pulled her own needle out and handed it to her Mom while Tanner asked if I would take hers out instead of waiting for the nurse. She looked so impressed that Lily took her own needle out and I told her it must be because Lily is eight. “Ohhhhh,” Tanner said, as if that made perfect sense. It was hilarious and reminded me that there are good moments to be found in even the most challenging circumstances.

We were so hoping to find out Tanner’s neutraphil counts had risen to at least 750 today so we could spend Thanksgiving with John’s family, but it just didn’t happen that way. Tanner’s counts had gone up just 60 points since last week and were at just 440. Anything below 500 is considered severely neutrapenic and as Tanner’s nurse said, “I wouldn’t risk it if it were my daughter.” That was all I needed to hear.

Tanner was really disappointed. She burst into tears right there in the clinic and cried several times on the way to the car. But, as always, she found a way to be happy. She and I are going to cook Thanksgiving dinner together tomorrow – something we have never done and she is very excited about. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t “cook” so much as “heat,” so cooking with Mommy is a real treat.

As always, people are so kind to us. Lauren, in John’s office is bringing us a fried turkey, my friend Kim is supplying a pumpkin pie and Ashley is giving me some of her cranberries. That leaves a couple of side dishes for Tanner and I, which I am capable of.

Hopefully, Tanner’s counts will continue to rise and we can start Long Term Maintenance next week. It wasn’t really expected that they would be any higher than the were today; this is just part of this phase of treatment and why they give the kids two weeks off chemo for counts recovery. She probably bottomed out on Sunday or Monday and has just started to climb. No big deal if they aren’t up high enough to start next week, we’ll just wait another week. But, the sooner we start, the sooner she will get to the point where we can have a little more freedom. Freedom is more valuable than gold and diamonds to us right now.

I’m off to blow the dust off a cookbook or two.

Love,
Beth

Another Battle Lost

Posted on by
3

November 24, 2009

I am crying as I write this, crying for yet another child who has lost his life to cancer. I did not know him, but every time I hear about cancer taking a child so early, I can’t help but cry out of sadness for the child and his or her parents… and out of fear for my child. There are no words to describe the terror.

My Mom emailed me last week about a little 5-year-old boy she heard about who was losing his battle to neuroblastoma. He loved Christmas and his family was celebrating Christmas early while he was able. They put out a request on their blog that people send Christmas cards to him.

Yesterday, I told Tanner about Noah. I didn’t tell her he was dying, but that his family was trying to do something special for him, just like people do special things for her when she is having a hard time. She eagerly agreed to make a card for him and got right to work. She drew a Christmas ornament and wrote inside it, “Merry Christmas. Hi, my name is Tanner. I am six-years-old and I have cancer just like you. Love, Tanner.”

IMG_1303This morning when I woke up, she had gathered a small stuffed fox, a pumpkin eraser and a little fuzzy ball and put those items, along with the card, inside a large zip lock bag. Thirty minutes ago, I put the bag inside an envelope and addressed it to Noah, added stamps and dropped it into the mailbox. When I came in, out of curiosity, I decided to look him up on Caring Bridge to see if he had a site. He did not, but I googled him and found a host of new stories documenting how his family’s request for cards had gone viral and more than 1 million cards and gifts had come to their home. But, the family was asking people to please stop because they had celebrated Christmas on Nov. 8 and Noah had passed away… yesterday.

I can’t stop crying thinking how I now have to hide away the card and little gifts Tanner collected… little childhood treasures put together from the innocence of her heart… so I don’t have to explain to her that he died before he could receive them.

Noah Biorkmann received more than 1 million Christmas cards before he died yesterday

Noah Biorkmann received more than 1 million Christmas cards before he died yesterday

This disease is vile and heartless. It steals childhoods from innocent children and beautiful children from loving parents. It breaks my heart every day and I am sick of it.

Beth

A Long Day at the ER

Posted on by
5

November 22, 2009

Since Thursday, when we went in for clinic and Tanner’s hemoglobin was so low, we’ve been keeping a close eye on her for signs that it was dropping even further or that it was producing symptoms that made her uncomfortable. After asking me to take her to bed at 6:30 last night, she woke up this morning with a headache and was very washed out looking. We decided not to wait until tomorrow to take her to clinic, so John took her to the ER around 11 am.

They arrived home at 9 pm with fresh blood and platelets in her system, tired, but with rosy cheeks and red lips. Her hemoglobin had dropped down to 6.6 from 7.2 on Thursday (anything under 8 is grounds for a transfusion, but Tanner was not showing any symptoms then so we decided to wait) and her platelets were down to 28 (normal is somewhere around 300). So, two bags of platelets and one bag of blood later, she should be feeling a lot better. Her neutraphils have, thankfully, not dropped from Thursday, so hopefully those have bottomed out and will start going back up so she is less vulnerable to infection.

We weren’t surprised or too upset that she needed a transfusion; it’s almost expected during DI and Tanner has really been lucky that this is only her second transfusion since diagnosis. We’re just thankful that she hasn’t caught anything while her immune system has been so compromised the past few weeks.

The anemia didn’t slow her down a whole lot this weekend. Saturday, Jessica, our friend, babysitter and petsitter extraordinaire, came and played with the kids all afternoon while John and I cleaned out the attic and garage and went to lunch together at Puckett’s in Lieper’s Fork. We were playing at the elementary school playground next door to the house when Jessica got there and Tanner never slowed down until Jessica left. They danced, played wii, and pretended all the day long. I think Tanner was just happy to see someone else but John, Jake and I. It’s been a while.

After John and Tanner left for the hospital today, I shaved Jake’s head. He wanted to look like Daddy and Tanner. All those little curls in the trash can. He loved it, though! I thought it was so cute that he wanted to look like them.

Jake's new hairdo

Jake's new hairdo

It looks like it will be another “keep to ourselves” kind of week… at least until Wednesday when we get our next counts check. That will let us know whether we can see John’s family for Thanksgiving or whether we need to keep it simple here at home with just us. It would be great to see John’s family, but either way will be fine; the way I see it, we have a lot to be thankful for.

Love,
Beth

Happy Halloween!

Posted on by
5
Tanner as Wednesday Addams

Tanner as Wednesday Addams

October 31, 2009 Did you hear about the parents who let their child go trick-or-treating on a cold night after just getting out of the hospital for a nine-day stay for pneumonia?!!! Oh, and she has leukemia, too!

It sounds so bad on paper, but it was really fun. If there is one thing I have learned from this whole experience it’s that you have to grab your moments when they present themselves for you never know when they will be taken from you. Apparently children know this piece of wisdom without being taught. Tanner seized the moment, for sure, tonight.

Tanner and John got home from the hospital today around 1:30 with chick-fil-a for everyone. We ate, Tanner’s stomach started to hurt from one of the antibiotics she is on, John and I spent 20 minutes trying to be sure we were administering her IV antibiotic correctly and she promptly fell asleep for several hours. That’s when the adults decided that caution would be prudent. That she might just be too tired to go out for Halloween tonight. That maybe we should do it the next night with a good night’s rest under our belt and one more day for her to recover. So, John runs all around the neighborhood asking the neighbors to save some candy for trick-or-treat on Sunday night. People were so sweet and willing to help.

Then, Tanner wakes up. No way was she trick-or-treating the night after Halloween! We warned her that the doctor said she had to wear a mask… that did not dissuade her at all. So we hustled up, ate some dinner, hurried into our costumes and met Tanner’s friend Olivia and her Mom, Jennifer, for some power trick-or-treating.

Jake, Olivia and Tanner

Jake, Olivia and Tanner

We brought the wagon because we didn’t think she would last long. She’s been in bed for 2 weeks, after all. But, as always, she surprised us with her determination. She probably made it to 15 or 20 houses before climbing the steps became too much for her and she started just stopping on the sidewalk and letting me go to the door to collect her candy. She eventually got into the wagon with a blanket around her and rode the rest of the way in great spirits.

I can just hear myself trying to explain our parenting skills to the doctors when she shows up with pneumonia again from being out in the cold (just kidding, they told us she could go). But, it was one of those moments where I realize that the stubbornness in her that has long driven me crazy as a parent is starting to serve her well. What had been just strong-willed obstinence as a toddler and preschooler is morphing into tenacity and perseverance as a kid. I was so proud of her.

IMG_1245She and Jake and Olivia had a ball. They looked so cute and got a LOT of candy. When we got home, Tanner said it had been one of her favorite Halloweens. She said, “This was a great night.”

I guess having so many things taken from you makes you really appreciate the things you get… or, in Tanner’s case, the things you reach out and grab with sheer determination and grit.

Happy Halloween!
Love,
Beth

P.S. If you see Jake, do NOT tell him he was a cute fireman. He was Billy Blaze from the Rescue Heroes, thank you very much!

Hopefully Our Last Night in the Hospital for a While

Posted on by
5

photoOctober 29, 2009 So close… so close… just one more night without fever and we can go home! Nine days is a long time and we are all ready for this to be over and so thankful that she has recovered so well.

She felt so much better today with no fever, not even a low-grade fever. We will come home with her port accessed and have to administer IV antibiotics 4 times a day as well as 2 oral antibiotics. They taught us today how to flush her line with saline and use heparin to assure the line stays clear. It’s not rocket science, but still a little unnerving. They’ll teach us tomorrow how to do the IV antibiotic infusion.

She got to dress up today in a costume that the hospital gave her and they handed out Halloween goody bags. The Predators were there and they had a Halloween party downstairs, but Tanner is confined to her room and couldn’t go to any of that. She has not left her room for the entire nine days except to go to a CT Scan. I know she must be sick of looking at those walls.

We had a fun day. In addition to dressing up in the costume, we made some Halloween decorations for the door, had Chik-fil-a brought in by my good friend Melissa, played Wii with the physical therapists and watched some good movies.

Kida from The Lost Island of Atlantis

Kida from The Lost Island of Atlantis

So, barring any unforeseen fevers, we should be home for Halloween… a small miracle and we’ll take it! Now, if we can just do something about the rainy forecast…

Love,
Beth

The Good, the Bad and the Really Cute

Posted on by
1

The Good, the Bad, and the Really Cute

October 29, 2009

We’ll start with the good news: the doctors believe Tanner is responding to the antibiotics and that we are on the right road to beating this thing. She is still having fevers, but they seem to be mostly pretty low grade and they are further and further apart. Thank God.

Then, there’s the bad news: I don’t think there’s any chance we will get home for Halloween. She has to be fever free for at least 24 hours and they want to continue giving her antibiotics by IV for a few more days and gradually take her down to oral antibiotics and see how she does before we go home. So… day 8 and still counting.

Here’s the Really Cute part: Jake came to visit today and the two of them sitting in bed eating bagels together was priceless. I could have cried. It was the most natural thing in the world and she was so motherly with him. He came in and said, “Hi Tanner. You not got any hair?” She just smiled and showed him the top of her head and said, “Feel it. It all fell out,” and that was the end of that. He just accepted her just like the big sister she is and moved on. John’s Mom also came and Tanner kicked both John and I out so she could be with Jake and her E.

She seemed to feel okay this morning, but was exhausted after Jake left and slept a lot. She seems worn out with being sick and the Zithromycin antibiotic they have her on is tearing up her stomach.

I miss my family. It has been more than a week since we have all four been together and John and I haven’t spent more than 20 minutes at a time together.

We have accepted the Halloween thing, though and John has come up with a great idea. We are going to ask our neighbors to keep their Halloween decorations up and let Tanner, Jake and a few friends Trick or Treat when Tanner gets home. Friends are helping to put together a flyer to distribute to the neighbors and go door-to-door asking for their help. On Halloween, they have a celebration in the hospital and do reverse trick-or-treating where the nurses and others come to the kid’s doors and give them candy. We’re going to bring Jake up here to “trick-or-treat” with Tanner and, hopefully, they will bend the two visitors to a room rule for that time so both John and I can be here with the kids. We figure we’ll have two Halloweens that way.

Please continue to pray for little Madelyn and her family. I saw Madelyn in the play room today (she is adorable) and she was doing well with her new port. Her parents continue to grapple with accepting what has happened to their child and dealing with the overload of information that they are faced with at diagnosis. It is such a difficult time and my heart breaks every time I see them. It is truly a club no one wants to join and I am so sorry to see another child and family start this rocky journey.

Tanner is asleep. A nurse is in hooking up her IV to start an antibiotic infusion. I’m going to put on my jammies, watch a movie on the computer (thank God for the laptops we all have) and go to bed.

No fevers, no fevers, no fevers….

Love,
Beth

Lemonade for Leukemia

Posted on by
2
Lemonade for Leukemia

Lemonade for Leukemia

September 28, 2009 This afternoon, Tanner, Jake and I made a pink sign that said, “Lemonade for Leukemia.” Then, while Tanner had school with Mrs. O’Hara in her classroom, Jake and I made lemonade and packed the wagon with a card table and chairs, cups and Leukemia and Lymphoma Society red bracelets.

At 5:10, we pulled the wagon across the street and set up shop. An hour later, we packed back up, having collected $259 for Tanner’s Light the Night Team. Yes, you read correctly… $259!!! Tanner is so excited. We came home and I thought after dinner we would count up the money and make the donation on-line. But, Tanner had other ideas… she wanted to know if she could have the loose change that John and I throw into various containers throughout the house. Needless to say, we’re taking it tomorrow to Kroger to put it in the Coinstar machine to be counted.

But, here’s the best part… she lost a tooth today (that’s a whole other story) and we put it under her pillow for the tooth fairy. After putting her to bed, I came down to eat dinner and she showed up on the balcony and said, “Mom, I want to write a note to the tooth fairy to ask for extra money for Light the Night. Can you help me?”

So, she dictated the following note:

Dear Tooth Fairy,
Please leave extra money so I can get ahead of the other team and have the most money for Light the Night.
Love, Tanner, Jake, Mommy and Tanner

She asked me, while I was writing the note, why I kept laughing. I wanted to tell her that I loved her competitiveness, her never-give-up attitude and her wonderful innocence in thinking that we could somehow make up the $4,000 that separates us from the first place team. That is the attitude that will help her come through this stronger than before and I love seeing it.

So, look out! Tanner Page is on a rampage to be the high dollar fundraiser for Light the Night this year.

I want to thank my friend Robin Embry for putting together this Light the Night team for us and all my dear friends at Lovell Communications for jumping in to help. I don’t think we would have ever done this without her and it has turned out to be the most positive thing for us. I know that I’ve dedicated a lot of blog space to this event, but it’s not just because we want so badly to see this cancer eradicated. This fundraiser has given us, and especially Tanner, something positive to focus on and has empowered her to feel like she could have some effect on this disease. That is priceless and we thank everyone for helping her feel this way.

Now, excuse me while I go find my wallet and make sure the tooth fairy is generous.

Love,
Beth

Happy Birthday to Me

Posted on by
1

September 23, 2009 If you read Tanner Time this morning, or if you were one of the 50 or so people who sent me some kind of good wishes today, you know it is my birthday. Wow! What can I say? How do you thank a husband who does something like that? Or, friends who send so many kind wishes?

Today was full of the normal things… laundry, dishes, diapers… but every time I checked my email, I got a little burst of birthday cheer! Then, my two best friends, Beth and Kim, and Beth’s husband, Glenn, brought dinner and cake to the house. We ate, sang, and laughed, a lot. My husband and kids gave me a giant singing card, money to go shopping and a subscription to People Magazine. It was the perfect kind of birthday.

Friday, my parents are coming to take care of the kids while John and I spend Friday night in downtown Nashville. What a treat for everyone! The kids will love having Grandmom and Grandad here and John and I will get a date night and our first uninterrupted night of sleep in a long time. Yay! My birthday will just go on and on… I love that!

Thank you so much for all the kind and encouraging words today… I was blushing by noon. If I’m only half as strong as people think I am, I’m doing okay ☺. Actually, there is an Eleanor Roosevelt quote printed on the back of my Leukemia and Lymphoma Society “Relentless” T-shirt that I hope to live up to some day. “Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

I know myself enough to know that I am not the kind of person who will never complain, not the kind of person who will always put others first, not the kind of person who is eternally positive. I complain often and definitely have my down moments. But, I am strong, to the point of being stubborn sometimes. Fortunately, I think this is one of the requirements of making it through a journey like this. I believe Tanner may have inherited some of this stubborn strength from me. She is so strong willed that she can drive you crazy sometimes. But, she can also kick some serious cancer butt.

Today, I was brushing Tanner’s hair and quite a bit fell out. I gathered it up and was on my way to throw it in the trash, when Jake head butted Tanner… with his face. Blood everywhere, screaming, busted lip… ugh. Later, when we returned from Tanner’s play therapy appointment, Tanner found the clump of hair on the couch where I had abandoned it. She held it up in two hands and said in a kooky voice, “Awwww.” Then, she threw it up in the air, laughing, and ran off to play race cars with Jake. Just in case all those kind words today went to my head, my daughter reminded me to be humble in the face of true strength.

Hope your day was great, too.

Love,
Beth

To My Wife On Her Birthday!

Posted on by
12

I know all of you read this blog to learn about Tanner and get a glimpse into Tanner’s world through Beth’s eyes as well as to support us in this place where we find ourselves – and for the prayers and well wishes I thank you from the bottom of my heart!  I mean it – we could never make it through this without you!  I do not write like her, nor do I express myself as she does – (She is really good at this thing)   But today I want to make my post – and it is for my wife.

Beth Page

Beth Page

Beth Brisbane Page you are amazing!   One of your home co-workers cries and wets his pants (Jake),  the other is fighting an ugly disease that does not allow for a normal life of school, parties, etc (the time most moms get breaks)  – I want you to know that I realize that in many ways  this is as difficult for you as it is for Tanner – the feelings of being trapped in a house, the feelings of not wanting to go to clinic one more time, the feelings of exhaustion when no one sleeps at night – trust me I realize!  I watch you (a social butterfly is an understatement) a past VP of a Public Relations firm – working everyday with polly pockets and dinosaur toys.  I know that this gets old –  and the pretending games and motorcycle races drive you almost to the place of insanity – I realize – I promise!  But Baby – let me stop today on your birthday and in front of all these witnesses and remind you why I married you. I married you because…

  • you are strong!  You remind me of that everyday when you get up and start a new day of exactly what you did yesterday – not knowing how Tanner will feel, or if she will say thank you for the grind you work through each day.
  • you are smart! You remind me everyday when you learn something new about the disease and find new things we can do to make Tanner’s treatment better and easier for her.
  • you never give up!  You are the mother tiger – you fight for Tanner – if it the school, the hospital, or even me (for all the readers – I am a germ-a-phobe – If it were up to me Tanner would be in a bubble) Beth gives Tanner a life!
  • you are balanced!  You remind me everyday by how you make the kids exercise, do school work, give to others, and play without screens in front of their faces.
  • you are beautiful!  You look great in Pajamas or Jogging Pants, Dresses or Jeans – I know Jake tells you that you are cute all the time – maybe I need to learn from my 2 year old son and tell you more often!
  • you are you – no matter what any one else thinks!  That is a  lesson we all could learn – I am not sure that you have ever followed the crowd a day in your life – I do believe, however,  you may have looked which way the crowd was going and chose the other route for fun!
  • I just love you and I am crazy about you!

This post was so easy to write – and I could have gone on and on and on – that is how I know I love you – these things just spilled out – my fingers could not even keep up with my thoughts  – you are as amazing as I knew you would be when I married you – you are committed to our kids – advocate, cheerleader, mommy, and more – so on the days when you can’t feel it – read it!

We all stop and wish you a Happy Birthday!  You are a great mom and wife – you are my soulmate and my friend – you are amazing

Happy Birthday!