In the ER

December 19, 2009

It’s 11:49 pm and I’m writing from the Vandy ER. Tanner has a fever and we are waiting for counts to decide whether we have to stay or not. If her counts are above 500, they will let us go. They have already given her an IV antibiotic that will cover her for 24 hours. If her counts are below 500, we will have to stay. I’m not even going to talk about how I feel about this development – it’s too exhausting and I don’t feel like I have any energy to spare.

Obviously, we will not be lighting the candles at church tomorrow and, of course, we can no longer count on being able to go to my parents’ for Christmas. We really can’t even count out being in the hospital for Christmas at this point.

That’s all I’ll write. The rest would be blasphemous, I’m afraid. I’ll update in the morning.


Happy Anniversary

December 11, 2009

cabo san lucas 072Ten years! I have been married to John for 10 years. There have been ups and downs, good times and bad, smooth rolling and rocky moments and… well, the unimaginable. Together, we have traversed this road side by side and I can’t imagine having taken this journey with anyone else.

The best part about John is that he gets me. He knows I usually have a negative knee jerk reaction to new things at first, but that, usually, after thinking about it, I’ll consider it rationally and come around. (And, no, I don’t usually apologize for the knee jerk reaction.) He just knows that’s what I’m going to do and rolls with it. He knows that’s me and it’s probably not going to change. And, he doesn’t make me feel bad about it. I have a big personality and need someone confident enough to deal with that. If anything, John’s personality is bigger than mine, but somehow, he complements me instead of overshadowing me.

Over the past six or seven years, John and I have faced a lot together. On the way to having Tanner and Jake, I miscarried three times. Jake was born with one kidney and had bladder reflux… thankfully it resolved itself without surgery. John’s Mom has had breast cancer… twice. Then, of course, leukemia for Tanner, an unimaginable diagnosis that could rock the foundation of any relationship.

All these things could have separated us. The stress alone certainly drives John and I to say and do some things we wouldn’t normally say or do. We certainly don’t always agree on everything to do with Tanner’s treatment. But, in the end, I think we’re a tighter team than we have ever been before. We work on it, forgive each other, and sometimes just agree to disagree. But, mostly, I think we come out on the same side and face things head on… together.

Dr. Phil (I can’t believe I’m quoting Dr. Phil) once said that marriage is NOT 50/50. Sometimes it’s 80/20, sometimes 60/40 and, occasionally, 100/0. I think you have to have faith that it evens out in the end and not keep score. I think the best thing about our relationship is that John and I carry each other when we need to and try not to make a big deal about it. No one needs to feel bad about the times when you’re not really pulling your weight.

Bottom line is, I’m crazy about my husband. He is goofy and kind. He has an unwavering commitment to me and to the kids that is rare. He is strong and solid an amazing dad and husband. He makes me laugh and still gives me butterflies. And, I just like hanging out with him… he’s fun.

Happy Anniversary, Baby. I love you.