Category Archives: gratitude

My Happy Place

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September 20, 2009 Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel all is right with the world and you are exactly where you are supposed to be? I find myself having these moments sometimes when all four of us are together and something just clicks and I feel supremely happy.

This weekend, after having spent a rainy, but great morning volunteering at the Nashville Polycystic Kidney Disease Walk with my girlfriends and then running some errands in the afternoon, I arrived home to find that John and the kids had built this HUGE fort in the living room. It involved the usual chairs and blankets, but they had gone beyond any structure I had ever dared built and had a small condo of sorts under there. After dinner and a quick bike ride around the neighborhood, we all got under there together, even the dog! Tanner had her laptop under there playing a computer game, John and Jake were wrestling and I was throwing a tennis ball out of the tent for the dog, who was bringing it back over and over again. John and I kept laughing about how crawling around in a 3 foot high fort would have been much easier in our twenties.

It was a simple moment and, to tell you the truth, I had a chair leg digging into my back most of the time, but something about it made me so happy. It was one of those times where I realize, that for every time I wish I were napping on the sofa instead of playing Polly Pockets or listening to Coldplay instead of KidzBop in the car, there is a moment like this that makes me realize I could never be this happy without Tanner and Jake.

Yesterday morning was the Franklin 4 the Cure event at Westhaven to raise money for childhood cancer. Tanner’s Trotters braved the rain to run in Tanner’s honor and we are so grateful to them for their generosity and determination! John ended up not being able to go to the race after all; our babysitter got sick and couldn’t make it, but Leslie and Keith Harper, who spearheaded the team, came by after the race to bring Tanner a t-shirt and show her the ones they had worn, with Tanner’s Trotters printed on the front with a Sharpie. Many thanks to them for organizing and running and for coming by afterward to see the kids, when I know they would have rather gone home to take a nap. It meant a lot to Tanner.

We’ve been a little on the down low this weekend; not only has it rained, but both of us feel that Tanner’s energy level is a little off due to the anemia. She would gladly go until she dropped, if given the opportunity, but we’ve been trying to keep her from wearing herself out. Today, we spent the afternoon with John’s brother, Michael; sister-in-law, Amanda; and nephew, Mack, who is six. They live right here in Nashville, but we don’t see them enough, for one reason or another, and it was great to spend a spontaneous afternoon at their house over pizza.

On the way home, there was a beautiful sunset and Jake was amazed by the colors. I love his unjaded view of the world. He was still talking sleepily about the “cowors” when I put him in his crib.

Oddly, Tanner has had less severe side-effects from this round of chemo, despite the fact that she received more chemo this week than last. She was nauseated the first day, but up the second and has only had sporadic nausea since then. Overall, Tanner has had fewer side effects than many on chemo, and for that, I am so thankful. With usual Tanner enthusiasm, she has thrown herself at cancer just like she does everything else, and is doing so much better than we could have hoped at this point.

So, even though the rain is supposed to continue all week long, I think I’ve found my happy place again.

Love,
Beth

Three Little Girls in One Big Arena

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Leah, Tanner and Gracie

Leah, Tanner and Gracie

September 13, 2009 I sat in the arena last night with my daughter in my lap, tired as only a six-year-old up 2 hours past her bedtime can be, but still singing along with Taylor Swift and loving every minute of it. I thought how there were thousands, maybe ten thousand, little girls in that arena who were lucky to be at that concert. But, none were so lucky as my little girl, for whom being able to go to a concert was a small miracle in the midst of four long months of limitations. I admit, I teared up, but she never knew it. I wanted only happy moments for her that night. And, we had them.

Some of my favorites…

–The three little girls, squeezed (car seats and all) into the back seat of my van, Taylor Swift blasting on the stereo, while we moms covered our ears as they sang, screamed and laughed their way to Nashville.

–Leah turning to me after Taylor Swift sang her first song and very seriously saying, “Miss Beth, we will stay for one or two more songs, then we will need to go home because it is way past our bedtime.” (Sorry, Leah, we stayed a lot longer than that.)

–The girls up on the front row of the suite dancing and twirling their glow sticks for all they were worth while Kellie Pickler performed.

–Tanner insisting, even after having fallen asleep briefly a few times, on us staying until Taylor sang “Love Story.” Thanks, T, it was worth it!

–Gracie, up on her feet singing all the words to “Love Story,” when only 10 minutes before she had been sound asleep in her Mama’s lap.

–Girl time not only for the little girls, but the big ones. Anna Lynn and Shelley are the kind of friends that show up at the Emergency Room at midnight on a school night because there might be something they could do to help. And, because they know what it‘s like to be a mom and can imagine what it would be like to be terrified that your child won‘t make it. They’re also the kind of friends that quietly organize meals and come by to take care of Jake when I need it. I’m glad I could do some small thing to say thanks.

–Meeting the oncology nurses from Centennial and Leigh Stamps and her friends, who made up the other two “Light the Night” teams that won tickets to the concert. These great ladies raised money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, not because they have a personal stake in it, as we do, but because they saw a need and are the kind of people who take action when they see an opportunity to help.

We all had a great time, even the Moms. It was a good show and the first concert for all three little girls. They were exhausted when we arrived home at 11 pm, but it was worth it.

And when I got home,
‘fore I said, Amen,
Asking God if He
Could play it again.(Taylor Swift, Our Song)

Love,
Beth

Big, Exciting News!!!

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One, happy little girl

One, happy little girl

September 12, 2009 Two HUGE things have happened to us in the last few days. One is that Tanner got to have a salad. I know, this doesn’t seem like a huge thing… especially for a six-year-old… but I had promised Tanner that the next time her counts were high, I would thoroughly wash some lettuce and make her a salad. She was in salad and crouton heaven.

The other is that we won 6 tickets to the Taylor Swift concert tonight from the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and the clinic said Tanner could go!!!! We raised the second highest amount of money for Tanner’s Light the Night team during a one week period and will sit in a suite with the other two winning teams. Tanner is SOOOOOOO excited!

When I first got the call about the tickets from Robin Embry, who is coordinating Tanner’s team, I thought, “Oh no, here is another cruel irony. We raise all this money in Tanner’s name and then she can’t go to the concert. There‘s no way we can sit in the midst of all those people, even if we are in a suite.” All afternoon Thursday, I was just sick about it. It just seemed so unfair. That night, I had Bunco at my house and was telling the girls about it. Celia Whitler, who is the host of Tanner Time, said she might have a connection to help us find the most germ-free environment to watch the show from and to call her husband Ron in the morning and see what they could do. Maybe we find the best place to sit. I began to think maybe we could make it happen.

The next morning, I was at it with a vengeance. I decided to chase this thing down until I hit a total dead end. I called the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and talked with them and with my friend Ron. Everyone was trying to find a solution… was there an empty suite somewhere? Could she wear a mask and sit in the corner? Finally, later in the afternoon, I called the clinic at Vanderbilt to see what they would say about it. The nurse looked up Tanner’s chart and said, “Her counts are so high, I don’t see any reason she can’t go, and she doesn’t need a mask; it would just ruin it for her.”

Oh my Gosh!!!! Finally, a break! A providential aligning of the stars that combined high counts and an awesome opportunity to celebrate life! I called everyone that had been working on the problem with us to let them know we had success. I called two girlfriends of Tanner’s and invited them and their Mom’s to join us.

Last night, we pulled up some YouTube video of Taylor Swift in concert and said, “Wow, she puts on a cool concert; wouldn’t it be cool to go to that tomorrow night?” Tanner looked confused. “Wouldn’t it be cool to go to that with Leah and Gracie and their Mom’s tomorrow night?” “Are we?” she said, wide-eyed. “How?” After we explained it, she screamed in the way that only a six-year-old girl can, and we all did a happy dance.

This morning, Melissa from the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society came by and delivered the tickets. We are so excited! Tanner has never been to a concert before and she LOVES Taylor Swift and Kelly Pickler, who is opening for Taylor. She’ll have to take a big nap this afternoon, since the concert doesn’t even start until her bedtime and I doubt we’ll make it for the whole thing, but it will still be an awesome experience. After having to miss so many things over the past few months, this is a welcome opportunity to do something special and forget about her limitations for once.

Thanks to all who have donated to Team Tanner; not only have you helped fund research for the cure of blood cancers, but you have helped create a very special night for our little girl. Thanks also to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for the tickets and for being so gung-ho about helping Tanner be able to go. And, thanks to Franklin American Mortgage company, John’s employer, for making a call to the Sommet Center so we can park in the Arena Garage and avoid entering the building with all the crowds of people, which might be dangerous for Tanner.

People are so kind to rally around one little girl to make a special dream come true. And, good things… no wonderful things… can happen in the midst of great adversity.

Thanks, God. I owe you one.

Love,
Beth

A Little Magic

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September 6, 2009

“You would never know.”

That’s what my best friend Kim said tonight while we stood and watched Tanner roll down the hill at our other best friend Beth’s house. They have a huge yard and the kids love to run wildly through it, as only kids can.

There are many times when Tanner looks and seems completely normal that it’s easy to forget. She looked so happy, like any other kid, rolling down that hill. Climbing up it was a little difficult, but she did it.

Beth and Glenn had us all over for a cookout. The kids picked acorns off a tree and then we hid them like easter eggs in the yard for them to find. They planted some seeds in pots to grow carrots (we had to stop Tanner half way through because the dirt was getting all over her and it was probably not the best idea). They climbed on Glenn’s “tractor” and pretended to drive. They took turns singing into Aunt Beth’s real microphone — Tanner sang some Hannah Montana and Jake sang a little “Itsy bitsy spider” and “Old McDonald.”

After a great dinner, we toasted marshmallows over the cinders in the grill and made S’Mores. Then, they chased fireflies in the yard.

On the way home, Jake, who is never awake when it is dark outside, kept looking at the car lights and the sunset and saying, “Look at the colors Mommy.”

We arrived home tired and full and Tanner was asleep before she hit the pillow.

It was a perfect evening. Thanks Beth and Glenn for sharing a little magic with my kids.

Love,
Beth

Eerily Normal

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zoo 09August 31, 2009 The other night, I said to John, “It’s almost like you could forget there’s anything wrong with her.”

Things have been so normal. She feels really good, has great energy, and has really leveled out emotionally. We’re so grateful. It’s more than we ever hoped for at this point.

She had a dance lesson Friday, which she loved. Played with a friend all afternoon. We went to the zoo Sunday morning before everyone else got there. It was cool and empty and wonderful. She played soccer and ran around a field with friends yesterday afternoon. She’s a little slow and a little awkward when she runs, but she runs, which didn’t seem possible just two months ago when she could barely walk.

John’s reply to my pointing out how pleasantly surprised I am by Tanner’s well-being was that it seemed, “Eerily normal.”

That may seem an odd comment for a situation we are so thankful for, but it struck just right for me.

It seems normal if you could forget about the medicine 3-5 times a day, or her pale skin or her thinning hair. The frequent stomach aches and nausea. The fact that she goes to the bathroom 25 or so times a day or that she wakes up 3-4 times a night.

I think it seems an eerie normal because we don’t trust it. We feel certain it won’t last and behind it lurks the constant worry that any small fever or illness could send her to the hospital immediately.

Today is a good example. After feeling so great yesterday, she woke this morning with a sore throat and joint pain in her legs and feet. I’ve had to help her to the bathroom all morning and I can‘t tell whether the sore throat is from emerging mouth sores or is an infection. See. Eerily normal.

But, overall, we are grateful beyond belief that she is as able as she is. It is so much more than we ever hoped for when we began this journey three months ago.

Love,
Beth

The Energizer Bunny

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August 21, 2009 Just a quick post to say, again, that Tanner’s energy never ceases to amaze me. We went letterboxing this morning (thanks to all those sweet people who responded to last night’s post with plans for today… I have the best friends imaginable) with friends and rode bikes for a mile or more, then played on the playground. Tanner wanted to ride another trails that loops around the playground, but I was pooped from running after bikes and we went home. Had lunch, nap for Jake, quiet time for Tanner. Then, Tanner and I danced for a while. Then, she danced some more by herself. THEN, we went swimming at the Whitlers’… for two hours (sorry guys, we had no idea we were there that long). — (cruise director response: y’all can stay all day and all night anytime!)
She got a little sleepy in the car on the way home, but rebounded as we were eating and was chatty Cathy at bedtime.

HOW IN THE WORLD?!!! I was tired and I do not have leukemia.

One of my friends commented on Facebook that Tanner used to have the energy of 5 kids, so on chemo, she probably has the energy of 2. I think she’s right.

One funny side note… Yesterday I was broaching the dreaded task of trying to sort out all the medical bills and match them up with EOB’s. (May I just say, I will never again complain about our insurance premiums. Thank God and Franklin American Mortgage Company for good insurance, a good job and a supportive work environment.) Anyway, I came across a bill from Vanderbilt for the night that Tanner had to spend in the hospital because she had a fever. The charges were $8,700 (for ONE night), but our portion to pay was…. $1.00. That’s right, one dollar. Vanderbilt sent us a bill for one dollar! Too funny. I couldn’t bear to write a check for $1 and waste a stamp on it, so I paired it with another bill and wrote one check for both.

Again, thank God we have good insurance. I read somewhere that average treatment cost for a child with leukemia is over half of a million dollars. After looking at the charges thus far, I can easily believe it will get to that point. I don’t know how a family who is not as fortunate as we are can do this. The financial strain, on top of what you are already going through, must be unbearable.

I said I was going to make a quick update, and I’m already off on a tangent.

Never mind.

Love,
Beth

Lemonade and a Cookie… 50 cents

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lemonad stand 001August 8, 2009 Since when do kids make $18 from a lemonade stand?!!! I don’t ever remember making more than about two bucks and splitting it with my best friend, Carol.

My friend Ashley had a list of things her kids wanted to do this summer and having a lemonade stand was one of the items that hadn’t been checked off. Since school starts Monday, time was a wastin’ and she invited us to help. The kids made a poster, I made the lemonade, Ashley made sugar cookies and we met yesterday in the median between our houses under the shade of some trees. Then, those girls got to work flagging down cars. Even Jake handed out some cookies. Almost every neighbor that drove by stopped and were generous tippers. They had a ton of fun and when we counted up the kitty, they made $18, split three ways!

Tanner, Jake and I had been to Pinkerton Park earlier that day for a bike ride and a picnic in the shade. It was 91 degrees by the time we got there and I noticed the first signs of the Vincristine creeping in. Tanner got hot quickly and, even though she rode quite a while, the heat eventually got the best of her and I had to send her crying to sit with Jake under the pavilion while I put the bikes back in the car and got our lunch.

The chemo has also started effecting her sense of taste. She handed me a pack of gum she just bought today and said, “It tastes yucky!” Tanner loves gum so I know the chemo changed the way it tastes. And, her medicine “burned” her mouth today, which is also some weird side effect of the Vincristine. That particular chemo has a list of side effects a mile long, and unfortunately, is our mainstay chemo for the next two years.

I got to spend a little one-on-one with Jake today for the first time in a while. I took him to the YMCA pool and we had the best time. Tanner can’t go into a public pool like that so I felt bad taking him and not her, but he needed to spend some time in a pool where he can actually reach the bottom. Tanner and John went for ice cream and to the dollar store to spend her lemonade stand earnings (that 6 bucks was burning a hole in her pocket).

John and I sat on the sofa last night and looked through the fan list for Tanner’s Fcebook page (Friends of Tanner). She has 497 fans and after more than an hour, we finally gave up trying to figure out how all those people know us and went to bed feeling blessed and loved. It boggles my mind that between the facebook fans and those that read the blog directly from www.tanner.celiamusic.net, there are probably 800 or more people wishing us well. We feel all those positive thoughts and prayers and thank you all every day for your support. Some day soon, I hope to use all that support to make difference and save some other family from going through this horror.

And, speaking of all that support, thanks to everyone who prayed for our friend Lily. Lily made counts this week and will be starting school next week on the first day… just like everyone else! Amen.

Love,
Beth

A Long Day for the Right Reasons

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Ready for Clinic

Ready for Clinic

August 6, 2009 Did you ever feel like it’s been about four days since this morning? Today was chock full… of goodness, luckily. Today was clinic day and our first day of Interim Maintenance. Tanner’s neutraphils (big infection fighting white cells) were down to 1500 from 3400 last week. 1,500 is still good for a kid with leukemia, but 3,400 was almost normal. So, farewell freedom… it’s back to precautions. We feel lucky to have had that week, though. It was nice to be able to get out.

I always feel like my preconceptions about chemo have been dramatized by television. I picture rows of people sitting in infusion chairs for hours, receiving IV chemo and feeling really sick. While there are some chemos that require a long infusion time, most don’t. And, there are definitely some kids in there that look like they’re feeling really bad, but many don’t. Tanner received two types of chemo today in less than 10 minutes. No IV pole or anything. The nurse just injects them very slowly from a syringe into Tanner’s IV line which is connected to her port. All done. And, as far as feeling really sick… we haven’t come across that yet as of bedtime today. In fact, Tanner was super active today. We played Wii Cheerleader, swam at the Whitler’s and played with some friends that dropped by after dinner. Chemo?!!! What chemo?!!!

Of course, I’m not naive enough to think this will last. I do believe this phase will be more difficult than the last and the cumulative effect of the vincristine and the increasing dosage of the methotrexate will take their toll. But, for now, you would never know anything’s wrong with her.

I registered Tanner for 1st grade at Moore Elementary this evening. It was bittersweet. I was excited that she got Mrs. Franklin as a teacher and that Mrs. O’hara, the reading teacher, will be her homebound teacher. She also has a great class, with many little friends from kindergarten. But, it made me sad she couldn’t come with me like all the other kids, to meet her teacher and see friends she hadn’t seen all summer.

Tanner made me promise to write down the names of all the kids in her class. When I got home, we got her jammies on and sat in bed with her yearbook and looked up all the kids, her classroom teacher and her homebound teacher. Tanner is a social butterfly and she knew all but two of the kids in her class; and those two were new to the school. She was really excited and I wondered whether she really understands that all those kids will be in class without her for at least half the year.

The school is being so remarkable about trying to make her feel connected, though. They’re investigating the idea of teleconferencing through computers so she can check in with the class once a day, and the homebound teacher said she was going home to read Tanner’s blog so she could learn more about her. Her kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Cope stopped by this past weekend and brought Tanner a Build-a-Bear. She asked if she could stop by once a week during this school year and read with her. Wow! Moore Elementary is a small school and we are so grateful for the feeling of family there and for the love and concern they show us and our daughter.

So, it was a full day, but a good one. Four days ago this morning, I thought we might have had a rough day because of the chemo, but it was a great day. Which just goes to show you how unpredictable leukemia, chemo and my kid are.

Love,
Beth

A Pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a People Magazine

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August 5, 2009 Well, we made it! Our last day of consolidation. We start phase III, Interim Maintenance, tomorrow. It means more chemo, but it’s one step closer to Long Term Maintenance when Tanner should be able to return to school and a more normal life. We’ll take the good with the bad and hope that she handles this new phase as well as she has handled Consolidation.

I’ve been amazed by how many people have commented that our family is handling this with such grace. That’s so strange for me to hear. I think we are handling this as well as we can; we are doing some things right and some wrong and some we’re still figuring out.

For instance, my house is a mess and I can’t seem to get dinner on the table lately. I’m trying to be creative about getting us out as much as possible, but would do a lot better if I planned ahead more and tried to keep some kind of schedule with the kids. Sometimes, I find myself getting immune to Tanner’s regular complaints about stomach pain and nausea. I just mumble, “Mmmm hmmm, I’m sure that hurts,” and hand over the appropriate medication without ever really empathizing. I lose my temper, although slightly less often than Tanner loses hers. Jake has started screaming, “You’re mean!” whenever he doesn’t get what he wants, which he, of course, learned from his sister. I’ve gone two days without convincing Tanner to do her physical therapy exercises. I threatened to sit on top of Tanner and force the medicine down her throat this morning when she balked at taking it. My hairdresser is going to die when he sees how far I’ve let my roots go. And, I’ve found myself starting to feel resentful when I hear the fun things our friends are doing that we can’t do because of the limitations of this disease.

It sure doesn’t feel very full of grace over here.

We’re just muddling through, or at least I am (John’s more together than I am). I’m trying to use this blog to regroup every night; to try to make sense of what happened in the day and vow to do better tomorrow. I usually don’t succeed, but a girl can try. I’m not complaining, just keeping it real. It’s no inspirational hallmark card at the Page house these days… just four people and a dog trying to make a hard thing work. It’s a messy job.

Having said all that, I still feel blessed… that I have such an amazing husband and two smart, funny, beautiful kids (even if they’re not all that well-behaved these days), that I have such supportive friends and family, that my child doesn’t have t-cell ALL or AML or any of the other versions of leukemia that are worse than pre-b ALL. And, of course, that you can still buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a People magazine at the grocery store when you’ve had a bad day (On tonight’s menu… a pint of Whirled Peace).

Love,
Beth