Category Archives: holidays

Hoping for Good Counts

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I did try to crop out the toilet in the background, but couldn't do it!

February 17, 2010

Tomorrow is counts day… please, please, please let them have gone up enough to at least allow playdates with friends. The kids have played with each other exclusively for 10 days now and it is, to say the least, getting old. I don’t dare hope for counts to be high enough for her to return to school, but it would be a great bonus!

We’ll go in first thing in the morning, so we could still get Jake to school if her counts are high enough for him to return. We need to bring cupcakes so his class can celebrate his birthday.

We had a great birthday celebration despite it just being the four of us on Monday. We ended up having a picnic in the basement of the new house with Chik-fil-A and a chocolate birthday cake with Star Wars guys on it. Jake was so excited about his battery powered Batman ATV. He didn’t even scream or make any kind of reaction when we showed it to him… he just made a beeline to it, with this crazed look on his face and drove off… priceless.

Been cleaning up the basement in preparation for Jake’s kid party on Saturday. We made the difficult decision to go ahead and have the party whether or not Tanner can attend. At first, she seemed very okay with this decision, but now that it might actually happen, is upset about it. I tried to explain that we just can’t keep postponing it… that he deserves to have his party. Hopefully, it won’t come to that.

Is it possible to move without ever packing anything? I’m trying. Every time I go over to the new house, we grab stuff as we leave the house and put it in big rubbermaid containers and unload it in the appropriate room when we get to the house. Pictures off the walls, vases, candles, accessories… you name it I have just grabbed it as I walk by. My goal is to not have to wrap anything in newspaper. Mostly, though, we’re in moving denial. We haven’t moved nearly enough and need to get in gear this weekend. Our moving date is just 3 weeks from this Friday. Yikes!

Cross your fingers and toes, knock on wood, throw salt over your shoulder, whatever you want, just wish us luck tomorrow. There’s only so much togetherness we can take.

Love,
Beth

Indoor Fun

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February 14, 2010

Tanner and Jake playing wii

How many ways can you have fun while stuck in your house and no visitors allowed? We’ve tried ‘em all… trust me… but have had lots of help from friends.

Thursday afternoon, our dear friend Anna Lynn, who is forever thinking of us, and is forever creative, brought Jake’s valentines from his class to us. He had missed his valentine’s party (and his Christmas party and his Thanksgiving party). His class made valentines for Tanner, too, so we had a lot of fun opening them. She also brought beautiful yellow tulips (that’s so Anna Lynn), valentines from our church staff and sugar cookies with a cookie decorating kit (from another dear friend). We were opening those valentines when I got a text from Tanner’s home teacher, Mrs. O’Hara saying there was a package on the doorstep. It was an early housewarming gift – pots with gardening gloves, tools, seeds and even dirt. How cute!

Friday, Corinne brought home Tanner’s valentines from her class… she LOVED them! There was one unsigned valentine and she’s still trying to figure out who her secret admirer is (I love this!). I opened the door to find another package from Mrs. Wood’s 4th grade class – they have been so super to Tanner – they sent valentines and birthday cards for Jake. So sweet.

We also had valentine packages from some of John’s co-workers and from all the grandparents. It has really helped alleviate the boredom. These days have been hard on all of us, but Tanner is especially frustrated. She had a small taste of freedom and then it was taken away so quickly. She is definitely feeling it.

We had a breath of fresh air Thursday and Friday from Aunt Beth. Beth is one of my two best friends and has been so unbelievably generous with her time. She is my savior when I need to balance the impossible – a child who can’t leave the house and a necessary task that requires me to leave home. Thursday afternoon, she came so John and I could meet with Tanner’s school. Then, she stayed overnight so I could take Jake first thing Friday morning to his annual kidney ultrasound. Jake was born with one kidney and has to be monitored. His one kidney is stellar! Tanner got to stay with Aunt Beth while Jake and I left for several hours and I think Beth must have been totally pretended out by the time she left!

The meeting with the school went great. They were so awesome and are doing anything and everything they can to make sure Tanner will be as safe as possible when she returns to school. She will have her own bathroom and her own computer to cut down on sharing germs. Together, the group of us that met developed a 504 plan. It is a legal document that spells out Tanner’s limitations, outlines what the school will do to accommodate them, and excuses her from normal absence rules, etc. She’s done so well here at home keeping up with her schoolwork, thanks to Mrs. O’Hara. She continually scores at or above grade level.

Thank God we have this new house to go “visit” when we are bored out of our minds and tired of looking at these same four walls. We go jump in the bouncy house and ride the little train and run around in the empty space to get out our ya yas! John went over there for several hours today to put together Jake’s new Batman battery powered ATV. We’ll give it to him tomorrow on his birthday… he will, to say the least, be beside himself. He loves anything to do with cars and motorcycles and asked to have a motorcycle birthday party. Beth and I painted a mural on the wall of his new bedroom with a road coming through a green hill and clouds in the sky. We’ll use the road as a headboard for his race-car bed and put his airplane shelves in the sky looking like a red plane flying out of the clouds (Thanks, Johnny). It has been a rough road for him, too, and he deserves an awesome room.

We all made valentines for each other today and had fun giving them to each other after dinner. The kids and I decorated the sugar cookies for John, but couldn’t eat them after all the valentines candy.

So, we’re stir crazy, but trying to make lemonade, if you know what I mean. Tomorrow is Jake’s birthday. I am sad that there is no one but us to celebrate his day. Usually, we invite family and maybe a few close friends for cake after dinner. He’s too little to really understand the big party is coming. We’re hoping Tanner’s counts will be high enough on Thursday to come to his party, but if not, will have it anyway. He needs to have his birthday… even Tanner said so.

Three years ago today, I was going to bed right about now, bags packed, knowing that I was getting up to head to the hospital to deliver a baby that threatened to be too big if we waited. Jake beat the doctors to the punch and came on his own that day, without induction. So like him to be accommodating. Eight pounds, 15 ounces of beautiful, long, sweet baby boy. John and I knew Valentine’s Day would be forever spent preparing for his birthday and could care less. He is the best Valentine’s gift we could ever ask for.

Much love,
Beth

Not this Week

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February 8, 2010

We’ve been waiting for so many good things to happen. Living right on the edge of happiness. Today, we went to clinic for counts, hoping to hear they were high enough for Tanner to return to school this week. We were flabbergasted to find that her neutraphils were only 130 – the lowest they have ever been since diagnosis. Nurse Carie was so surprised, she ran Tanner’s counts twice to be sure.

Apparently, the doctor said that maybe the virus that caused Tanner’s ear infection caused the low counts and that now they should be able to recover. In the meantime, we were handed a mask along with Tanner’s count sheet and are in seclusion. Jake will again not be able to go to school and we will postpone his birthday party this weekend until next weekend.

Last week, Tanner made a valentine box. A cardboard shoebox wrapped in red paper and decorated with glittery stickers and magic marker hearts. She worked hard on it and, without my even knowing, pulled out a class list and wrote a valentine for each child. Littlest Pet Shop for the girls and Transformers for the boys. She was so excited. This weekend, I bought candy so she could tape it to the cards. She talked about putting all the cards in the boxes for each child and being able to go to the party.

I’ll bring the box with me to a meeting at the school tomorrow and give it to her teacher so she can pass out the valentines for Tanner. Jake will miss his Valentine’s party, too. Just like he missed his Thanksgiving party and his Christmas party. We just can’t afford to have him bring germs home to her when she, essentially, has no immune system.

Needless to say, we are extremely disappointed. Still waiting.

Love,
Beth

On the Mend

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February 4, 2010

Tanner finally is feeling better today. After having spent the last two days pretty much in bed, she got up today and played. The antibiotic that she is on for the ear infection has been pretty rough on her stomach and she still isn’t sleeping well (steroids cause sleeplessness), so we’re all a little tired, but she isn’t coughing as much and had more energy today to play.

We bought valentines today for her class and decorated a valentine box in anticipation of being in school that week (I hope, I hope, I hope). We’ve laid low this week and hope that on Monday we find her counts are up enough to go back to school next week.

Speaking of school, those wonderful kids at Moore Elementary raised more than twice their goal in the Pennies for Patients campaign. They raised $2,042 to help fight leukemia and lymphoma. Amazing! On Monday night, the school board is presenting an award to the school and to another in the district that also did a campaign for a child with cancer there. The principal has asked Tanner to come to the meeting with her to help receive the award. I hope her counts allow it.

She was on the news last week; a story about the campaign. They want to do a follow-up when Tanner returns to school and a local newspaper wants to do the same. Very cool. Tanner will just hate that attention (wink, wink).

We’re in a bit of a rut. I think we’re all waiting for something to happen. I find us watching too much television and playing too much wii these days. I really hope she can go to school next week – she really needs a change of scenery, interaction with other kids and a challenge for that quick brain of hers. And, Jake and I could do some things that he has missed over the past 9 months – the library, his gym class, playgroup, etc. He needs to have more friends his age – boys, preferably. So, I’m looking forward to being able to focus on him a little. He’s turning 3 this month and we’ve planned a fun birthday party at our new house and bought him a much bigger present than we usually buy for the kids. He deserves to be in the spotlight for a day.

We’re hoping to be able to go visit our potential new dog this weekend… in prison! He is part of a prison dog-training program that pairs dogs destined for euthanization and prisoners in a intense three-month training program that teaches prisoners job skills and responsibility and gives the dogs a second chance at life. We hope to end up with a nice, trained dog to complete our family. A dog to take Millie’s place at the end of Tanner’s bed and calm the fears that a six-year-old shouldn’t have. A dog to motivate me to get up and walk in the morning to have some me-time and get some much needed exercise. A dog for Jake to lay on and throw a ball for. A dog to keep John company when he falls asleep on the couch. We can’t wait.

Waiting for lots of good things to happen. Impatient for them to get here.

Love,
Beth

Snow, Sledding and Steroids

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January 27, 2010

I moved to Nashville in 1994 from Philadelphia, where, as you can imagine, it snowed quite a bit. In the nearly 16 years since, this is the most snow I have seen! We got a whopping 4-5 inches of snow, which is just enough to have an awesome time sledding.

John’s Mom, Ann, came on Thursday and had a special afternoon with Tanner after clinic. Friday morning, I left the kids in her capable hands and ran out at 8 am to:
1. search for a sled (I knew it wasn’t going to happen, but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try)
2. search for waterproof gloves for both kids
3. search for snow boots for Jake
4. Finally join the snow panic and ransack what was left of the stock at the grocery store so we could “hunker down” for the weekend

I would love to say that after three hours and eight stores, I was successful, but the only thing I came home with was food. No sleds, boots or warm gloves within 100 miles. Retailers must pray for snow in Tennessee.

So, later that day, in the sleet and snow (aka “wintry mix”) Tanner insisted on going out to meet some friends in the school field. We bundled up and I put three pairs of crappy gloves in my pocket so I could replenish her gloves when they got wet. It was in the 20’s and very, very cold and windy.

The kids played for 15 or 20 minutes with me replacing Tanner’s knit gloves every time they got wet. My hands were cold in ski gloves so I couldn’t imagine how she was standing it. But, after we went through all three pairs, she had a melt down and I had to give her my gloves and carry her all the way home and put her in a hot bath.

That’s the way it goes with Tanner these days. She plays so hard and with such enthusiasm, but it usually ends rapidly when she tires out. She is on steroids this week, which exacerbates her fatigue. She lives life in bursts… a burst of energy… a burst of exhaustion. I worry about how she will do at school. But, I try to remind myself that some school is better than no school and we’ll just let her do what she can.

The day after the big snow, we all went sledding with some neighbors and had such a good time. It was Jake’s first time and he LOVED it. I still have my old Radio Flyer sled from childhood and we took that and then shared our neighbors’ plastic sleds. Usually, the runner sled won’t work here, but we had freezing rain on top of the snow and, after waxing up the runners, it flew! I didn’t take my camera, but two of our friends had brand new fancy cameras and took lots of pics, so I’m sure they will send me some I can post (hint, hint Ashley and Molly).

We have two more days of steroids. She has handled them pretty well so far; some crying and fatigue, but she’s powered through a lot of it. We give her a lot of grace and hugs, remind her that it’s the steroids that make her feel this way and let her rest and watch more TV than normal. When she’s had enough, she asks to go to her room alone and watch movies on her computer in bed. We’re learning how to find a workable balance during this week. We’ll have 19 more steroid weeks, so it’s important we figure out the best way to get through the week without letting it totally halt our lives.

If school ever reopens this week (it’s already cancelled for tomorrow), I’m supposed to meet with a group of folks over there so we can come up with a plan for Tanner to attend school safely. She will need some special concessions, obviously, and we will all pow wow to figure out how to best meet those needs and how to protect her from germs as much as possible. The school has been so super and I know they will do everything they can to help.

The new house renovations are going really well. It looks like a house again instead of a demolition zone. Carpet and tile this week. Finishing hardwoods next. Then, finally, the long-awaited kitchen redo. If all goes as planned, we’ll move mid-March. Then, an empty house to sell. Hmmmm.

Anybody want to buy a house in historic Franklin, TN?

Love,
Beth

Good Riddance 2009

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December 3, 2009

I was so happy to write “2010” on a check I wrote yesterday. 2009, for lack of a more literate description, sucked. I don’t want to say this year couldn’t be any worse than last (my realm of possibility has seriously changed), because it, of course, could be. But, I’m hoping things are on the upswing as they seem to be.

Tanner is doing a little better this month on the steroids. We’ve seen some emotional behavior, but they haven’t wiped her out completely like they sometimes do… yet. She’s still taking them through Wednesday morning, so we’ll see. Overall, she is feeling good and we are much encouraged that the doctors felt comfortable with her not returning to clinic for a whole month. That indicates they believe her counts to be pretty stable, something that can usually take many months to achieve. We’ve taken that as a sign that we can comfortably have a little more freedom, which is nice.

We had a very busy weekend focusing on trying to get all the decisions made for the renovations on the new house. It’s fun to have something else to think about, but still, in the back of my mind, I feel like I have to rush, rush, rush because you never know when a hospital trip might pop up. It’s an awful thing to have in the back of your mind, but it’s just the way it is.

Still, it feels for the first time in a long time like our lives are not being held completely hostage by cancer. We’re moving forward, which is the way it should be.

Jake moved forward tonight. He slept in a bed for the first time instead of his crib. We bought him a racecar bed (he LOVES racecars) and he was so excited. It’s easy to forget about the “other child” in this situation. In fact, I forgot to take him to a birthday party on Saturday. I feel terrible. But tonight… he had his moment and he did great.

Have I mentioned that Tanner’s hair is growing back? It started out as this little white peach fuzz, but has since darkened and grown to where she has a soft down covering her entire head. It’s amazing how fast it is coming in. I can’t keep my hands off of her head – she feels like a little downy duckling. She is really hoping it will be brown and curly! It does actually look darker, but there’s no word yet on the curls. See, even her hair is moving forward.

So far, 2010 feels different. It’s not that the dance with cancer is over by any means; I know it will go on for another year and a half and it will be very difficult, but I feel a little lighter on my feet now. I used to wake every morning and my first thought would be, my daughter has leukemia. Now, I sometimes wake up thinking something else – the new house, renovations, getting a new dog – good things.

Here’s to more good things for all of us this year.

Love,
Beth

Clinic Day # 26

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December 31, 2009

Standing room only in the infusion room at Vanderbilt Children’s today. A run on chemo. I’ve never seen it so crowded. Tanner, Jake and I actually sat on the floor. There were people standing around everywhere. Some parents were actually rude enough to remain sitting while kids needing chemo were left to stand waiting. Crazy.

Tanner’s counts were perfect – in leukemia world, that is. Her neutraphils were at 1,700 (the doctors want them between 1,000 and 2,000 during long-term maintenance). They were at 16,000 on Monday when she went to the ER with a fever. The body is an amazing thing. The good news is that, for now, they’re not raising her chemo levels… AND we don’t have to go into clinic for FOUR WEEKS! Good grief… we won’t know what to do with ourselves.

Everyone seems to be feeling better today. Of course, the steroids should fix that for Tanner. In addition, she got a dose of Vincristine today and will get an oral methotrexate pill tonight. The methotrexate seems to wipe her out the next day and make her feel bad for a little while. So, it probably won’t be the best week, but maybe we’ll be able to play a little tomorrow.

While the nurse was pushing Tanner’s Vincristine into her port, Jake said, “What are you doing to Tanner?” Cari replied, “I’m giving her medicine that will make her feel better.” Tanner said, very deadpan, “It doesn’t make me feel better, it makes me feel crappy.” Well said.

Love,
Beth

A Very Merry Christmas

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December 28, 2009

Thank you for all the prayers and good wishes for our Christmas travel. We did make it to my parents’ house in Atlanta on Christmas Eve and had a great time. My brother’s girls are 9 and 5, so Tanner was in heaven – two playmates for three straight days. Jake developed quite an attachment to my neice, Mary Mike, the 9-year-old… he was constantly asking, “Where’s that girl?”

Tanner finds a willing shoulder in her cousin, Erin, after a fun, but tiring day.

The best part of the whole weekend was that, for Tanner, I think it seemed as normal as possible. There really wasn’t anything that her cousins could do that she couldn’t. They played hard… really hard. At the end of every day, Tanner was exhausted and would come to me and ask to go to bed by 6 pm. But, she was having fun and it was a little “vacation” from the limitations of cancer. Thank you Mary Mike and Erin for giving Jake and Tanner so much love and attention!

Tanner and her new doll beds

Santa was good to the kids. In addition to an American Girl doll for Tanner and a Shake and Go Racetrack for Jake, he surprised them with a big bouncy house that Santa put up in the basement of my parents’ house. I think Mary Mike summed up their reaction best when they rounded the basement stairs and saw the 9 x 9 inflated castle… “Holy Cow!” she said!!! Needless to say, they jumped all weekend long. Great exercise for Tanner’s legs. The bouncy castle came home with us and is in the basement of our new house waiting for us to move in.

We even got to experience a little church on Christmas Eve. We found a little glass prayer chapel at the back of the church that overlooked the sanctuary and watched some of the service from there. Tanner got to wear her pretty Christmas dress and get dressed up, just like her cousins.

On our way to church

We were still all somewhat sick for the week. We were coughing and sniffing and, ironically, probably gave something to my family members who had worked so valiantly to stay healthy so we could come. My Mom is sick already.

I thought Tanner was getting better today, but this afternoon started feeling bad and we found she had a fever by bedtime. She and John are at the ER as I write this, waiting for counts to determine whether they are high enough for her to be able to get IV antibiotics and come home or whether she will have to stay. We are all unbelievably weary of this routine and, although I am trying to be grateful for the break in illness that allowed us to travel for Christmas, I just really wish we could catch a break for a while.

So, pray for her that her immune system isn’t shot from being so tired over the holidays and that she fights off whatever this is. Pray that we will have the stamina to endure more of the stress of this disease. Pray that Tanner will continue to have the will to fight.

Today, Tanner said to me, “Mom, I have a job.”

“Really?” I replied. “What is your job?” expecting to hear that she was a hairdresser or a nurse.

“I’m fighting leukemia,” she said.

Keep it up big girl… keep it up.

Love,
Beth

Ahhhh… clear x-rays!

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December 22, 2009

John took Tanner in for chest x-rays today and they were clean!!! Her neutraphils had dropped from the crazy 19,000 to a more healthy, but robust, 3,100. So, doc says we’re in good shape to travel. They gave us a contact at a hospital near my parents’ house that is capable of handling a kid with leukemia and told us to give her Claritin to clear up her one ear that is threatening infection.

So, if my eyes will just clear up and Jake’s nose, we are good to go! We’ll get there a day later than planned, but there nonetheless. Hopefully, no other crazy things will happen to keep us from going.

I’m just starting to feel a little Christmas cheer. Just let the kids open some gifts from dear friends (a Phillies and an Eagles hat, oh my!), read some Christmas stories together and am going to get Tanner to help me wrap some presents while Jake finishes napping. It would be completely blissful if it wasn’t for the laundry!!!New hats!

My poor husband finally got to go back to work – he definitely bore the brunt of this health mishap. Trying to work from home while taking care of our two monsters is no picnic.

Hoping all of you are indulging in a little Christmas, Hannukah or Kawanza cheer.

Love,
Beth

A Big Bump in the Road

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December 21, 2009

Tanner’s ER visit seems to have been the beginning of a virus epidemic at the Page house. So far, John is the only one who has not gotten sick. Tanner’s oncologist thinks we all have adenovirus – sore throat, congestion, irritated eyes, and fever. Tanner actually is much better; she just has a cough at this point. I spent all yesterday in bed with a fever and body aches. Today, I am better, but not yet well. Jake continues to cough and just feel yucky. Everyone’s eyes have been bloodshot and irritated at some point.

We’re taking Tanner in for a chest x-ray tomorrow to be sure she’s not developing pneumonia again. If she’s okay and Jake and I feel better, we still may make it to Atlanta for Christmas Eve. I’m a little behind on my Santa duties, but I think we could do it.

Poor John is taking care of three sick people while trying to work from home as well. Once again, he is the lynchpin that holds us together.

So frustrating to have jumped through so many hoops to get to this point only to have a virus take us all down like this. We just can’t catch a break.

Keep us in your prayers. We’re hoping everyone is better tomorrow.

Love,
Beth