Category Archives: emotions

What a Great Weekend

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January 11, 2010

Tanner modeling my new coat

It was the most fun and normal-feeling weekend we have had in a long time. Saturday morning Tanner’s homebound teacher, Mrs. O’Hara came and they had a great session. Then, Jessica came and stayed with the kids until the afternoon while John and I went and did some new house shopping, picking light fixtures, carpet and tile. It was fun just tooling around together and I found that I didn’t think about cancer almost at all the whole time. Jessica and the kids made a card for her fiancé, Harley, who is serving in the marines overseas. Harley once sent Tanner a picture of himself with his marine haircut and Tanner with her leukemia do and said all the guys in his unit thought she looked cool. It hangs on our refrigerator and is one of the nicest things we have received (and that’s saying something!).

After John and I came back home, we all went to a friends’ house for tacos and fun. These are great friends who have been so kind to us. They go to our church and Tanner has known their daughter, Gracie, for a long time. They also have a son, Sam Ross, who is Jake’s age, so it made for an extra fun playdate as everyone had someone to play with. Their kids a similar energy levels to ours and we were treated to some crazy concerts and dance exhibitions.

Sunday, Tanner and I went to the mall together. She was feeling really bad when we left, with a lot of pain in her legs, but was determined to go. We took a jogging stroller with us so she could ride if her legs continued to hurt, but some painkiller seemed to fix the problem and she ended up pushing more than riding. We ate lunch in the foodcourt (another first since diagnosis) and did a little shopping then came home in time to go for another visit. Our friends Steve and Michelle were nice enough to let us come over and look at their beautiful kitchen to get some design ideas and the Tanner and Jake love to play with their girls. We finished the day with some Wii and everyone went to bed tired, but happy.

We also got some really great news… Tanner can go back to dance class. WOW! It will mean so much to her to be able to belong to something again. Not to mention how great it is for her legs.

So, we had a great weekend. Pretty normal, if you don’t count all the medication and the leg pain. Still, an idea that long term maintenance does equal more freedom, even if there is still more chemo involved than anyone would like.

Hope you had a good one, too.

Love,
Beth

Good Riddance 2009

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December 3, 2009

I was so happy to write “2010” on a check I wrote yesterday. 2009, for lack of a more literate description, sucked. I don’t want to say this year couldn’t be any worse than last (my realm of possibility has seriously changed), because it, of course, could be. But, I’m hoping things are on the upswing as they seem to be.

Tanner is doing a little better this month on the steroids. We’ve seen some emotional behavior, but they haven’t wiped her out completely like they sometimes do… yet. She’s still taking them through Wednesday morning, so we’ll see. Overall, she is feeling good and we are much encouraged that the doctors felt comfortable with her not returning to clinic for a whole month. That indicates they believe her counts to be pretty stable, something that can usually take many months to achieve. We’ve taken that as a sign that we can comfortably have a little more freedom, which is nice.

We had a very busy weekend focusing on trying to get all the decisions made for the renovations on the new house. It’s fun to have something else to think about, but still, in the back of my mind, I feel like I have to rush, rush, rush because you never know when a hospital trip might pop up. It’s an awful thing to have in the back of your mind, but it’s just the way it is.

Still, it feels for the first time in a long time like our lives are not being held completely hostage by cancer. We’re moving forward, which is the way it should be.

Jake moved forward tonight. He slept in a bed for the first time instead of his crib. We bought him a racecar bed (he LOVES racecars) and he was so excited. It’s easy to forget about the “other child” in this situation. In fact, I forgot to take him to a birthday party on Saturday. I feel terrible. But tonight… he had his moment and he did great.

Have I mentioned that Tanner’s hair is growing back? It started out as this little white peach fuzz, but has since darkened and grown to where she has a soft down covering her entire head. It’s amazing how fast it is coming in. I can’t keep my hands off of her head – she feels like a little downy duckling. She is really hoping it will be brown and curly! It does actually look darker, but there’s no word yet on the curls. See, even her hair is moving forward.

So far, 2010 feels different. It’s not that the dance with cancer is over by any means; I know it will go on for another year and a half and it will be very difficult, but I feel a little lighter on my feet now. I used to wake every morning and my first thought would be, my daughter has leukemia. Now, I sometimes wake up thinking something else – the new house, renovations, getting a new dog – good things.

Here’s to more good things for all of us this year.

Love,
Beth

A Very Merry Christmas

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December 28, 2009

Thank you for all the prayers and good wishes for our Christmas travel. We did make it to my parents’ house in Atlanta on Christmas Eve and had a great time. My brother’s girls are 9 and 5, so Tanner was in heaven – two playmates for three straight days. Jake developed quite an attachment to my neice, Mary Mike, the 9-year-old… he was constantly asking, “Where’s that girl?”

Tanner finds a willing shoulder in her cousin, Erin, after a fun, but tiring day.

The best part of the whole weekend was that, for Tanner, I think it seemed as normal as possible. There really wasn’t anything that her cousins could do that she couldn’t. They played hard… really hard. At the end of every day, Tanner was exhausted and would come to me and ask to go to bed by 6 pm. But, she was having fun and it was a little “vacation” from the limitations of cancer. Thank you Mary Mike and Erin for giving Jake and Tanner so much love and attention!

Tanner and her new doll beds

Santa was good to the kids. In addition to an American Girl doll for Tanner and a Shake and Go Racetrack for Jake, he surprised them with a big bouncy house that Santa put up in the basement of my parents’ house. I think Mary Mike summed up their reaction best when they rounded the basement stairs and saw the 9 x 9 inflated castle… “Holy Cow!” she said!!! Needless to say, they jumped all weekend long. Great exercise for Tanner’s legs. The bouncy castle came home with us and is in the basement of our new house waiting for us to move in.

We even got to experience a little church on Christmas Eve. We found a little glass prayer chapel at the back of the church that overlooked the sanctuary and watched some of the service from there. Tanner got to wear her pretty Christmas dress and get dressed up, just like her cousins.

On our way to church

We were still all somewhat sick for the week. We were coughing and sniffing and, ironically, probably gave something to my family members who had worked so valiantly to stay healthy so we could come. My Mom is sick already.

I thought Tanner was getting better today, but this afternoon started feeling bad and we found she had a fever by bedtime. She and John are at the ER as I write this, waiting for counts to determine whether they are high enough for her to be able to get IV antibiotics and come home or whether she will have to stay. We are all unbelievably weary of this routine and, although I am trying to be grateful for the break in illness that allowed us to travel for Christmas, I just really wish we could catch a break for a while.

So, pray for her that her immune system isn’t shot from being so tired over the holidays and that she fights off whatever this is. Pray that we will have the stamina to endure more of the stress of this disease. Pray that Tanner will continue to have the will to fight.

Today, Tanner said to me, “Mom, I have a job.”

“Really?” I replied. “What is your job?” expecting to hear that she was a hairdresser or a nurse.

“I’m fighting leukemia,” she said.

Keep it up big girl… keep it up.

Love,
Beth

Ahhhh… clear x-rays!

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December 22, 2009

John took Tanner in for chest x-rays today and they were clean!!! Her neutraphils had dropped from the crazy 19,000 to a more healthy, but robust, 3,100. So, doc says we’re in good shape to travel. They gave us a contact at a hospital near my parents’ house that is capable of handling a kid with leukemia and told us to give her Claritin to clear up her one ear that is threatening infection.

So, if my eyes will just clear up and Jake’s nose, we are good to go! We’ll get there a day later than planned, but there nonetheless. Hopefully, no other crazy things will happen to keep us from going.

I’m just starting to feel a little Christmas cheer. Just let the kids open some gifts from dear friends (a Phillies and an Eagles hat, oh my!), read some Christmas stories together and am going to get Tanner to help me wrap some presents while Jake finishes napping. It would be completely blissful if it wasn’t for the laundry!!!New hats!

My poor husband finally got to go back to work – he definitely bore the brunt of this health mishap. Trying to work from home while taking care of our two monsters is no picnic.

Hoping all of you are indulging in a little Christmas, Hannukah or Kawanza cheer.

Love,
Beth

A Big Bump in the Road

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December 21, 2009

Tanner’s ER visit seems to have been the beginning of a virus epidemic at the Page house. So far, John is the only one who has not gotten sick. Tanner’s oncologist thinks we all have adenovirus – sore throat, congestion, irritated eyes, and fever. Tanner actually is much better; she just has a cough at this point. I spent all yesterday in bed with a fever and body aches. Today, I am better, but not yet well. Jake continues to cough and just feel yucky. Everyone’s eyes have been bloodshot and irritated at some point.

We’re taking Tanner in for a chest x-ray tomorrow to be sure she’s not developing pneumonia again. If she’s okay and Jake and I feel better, we still may make it to Atlanta for Christmas Eve. I’m a little behind on my Santa duties, but I think we could do it.

Poor John is taking care of three sick people while trying to work from home as well. Once again, he is the lynchpin that holds us together.

So frustrating to have jumped through so many hoops to get to this point only to have a virus take us all down like this. We just can’t catch a break.

Keep us in your prayers. We’re hoping everyone is better tomorrow.

Love,
Beth

Home Again

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December 20, 2009

Tanner’s neutraphils were very elevated – 19,000 – indicating that she was really fighting whatever she has. So, they sent us home after giving her an IV antibiotic that lasts 24 hours. We came home at 1 am. Her fever broke overnight and she is actually feeling good this morning. I, on the other hand, finally caught whatever she and Jake have and feel yucky! Sigh.

But, we are thrilled to have been able to come home and hopeful that the antibiotic and her crazy neutraphil count mean we will be able to continue with our holiday plans to go to Grandmom and Grandad’s house.

Love,
Beth

Clinic Day #25

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Tanner and I waiting for Jake's Christmas program to start

Tanner and I waiting for Jake's Christmas program to start

December 17, 2009

Hitch up the sled, we’re flying to Christmas!!!! Tanner’s neutraphil count today was 2,750!!!! That’s even higher than it was 2 weeks ago! We were given the all-clear to go to John’s Mom’s tomorrow and to my parents’ next week. We don’t even have to go in for counts next week! Hallelujah!!!!

Tanner and I high-fived and we hugged nurse Carie and then she forbade me to cry happy tears. When we got out of clinic, we skyped John from the hospital lobby; he was at our church with our Children’s Minister and we told them the happy news. You have no idea how I am breathing a sigh of huge relief not mention joy at being able to spend the holidays among family!!!

After hearing the good news, Tanner and I ran for the hospital pharmacy to fill a few prescriptions, grabbed a bite to eat while we waited, and drove at breakneck pace to get to Jake’s Christmas Program at school at 11 am. Thank you Sissie for holding the program for us (we were a few minutes late!). Right when we got there, Jake’s class came in. We were really worried that Jake would pull a repeat of last year’s performance. Last year, he made it through the back door of the church, saw us, burst into tears and refused to participate any further. So, we snuck in the back and hid ourselves from view. No worries… he was a jingle belling maniac! He came into the back door and bolted to the altar where he stood, ringing his bell and waiting for the rest of the class to catch up to him. He stood there, not singing, but ringing his bell with a huge grin on his face. Then, he saw John who had snuck up the side to take video (It’s hard to hide, when you are as tall as John is). He must have yelled, “Daddy!!!” five or six times during the performance and even made some weird noises and funny faces that had the crowd laughing. Tanner and I giggled hysterically. It was such a treat for her to be able to participate in something like that. She was really proud of him and even got to see a few friends.

Jake and Ms. Julie singing Jingle Bells

Jake and Ms. Julie singing Jingle Bells

Amongst our great happiness today, there is one tiny bad thing (why does there always have to be a bad thing?). If her counts stay this high over the next couple of clinic visits, they will have to up her dose of chemo. Not really what we want, if you can imagine. She’s at a 100% dose right now and they can up it to 125% at max, I think. I really don’t relish the idea that she could take more chemo, but they want her counts to stay between 1,000 and 2,000 to assure that they are affecting any leukemia cells that might try to make a comeback.

But, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, we will joyfully pack, clean the car and get the oil changed, wrap last minute presents and make a cheese grits casserole before we pile in the car tomorrow headed for Jackson, TN. We’ll be back on Saturday night in time to light the advent candles at church on Sunday morning, regroup (do the laundry) and repack to head for Atlanta on Wednesday.

Thank you to everyone who prayed and send well wishes. And, thank you God for recognizing that we couldn’t take any more disappointment.

Love,
Beth

House Calls

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December 15, 2009

Well, Jake’s school stint lasted two days. He has a cold and I had to keep him home today. He missed his Christmas party, bless his heart. And, I was supposed to take Tanner to see Princess and the Frog while he was at school, so that was also a no go. We’re hoping Tanner doesn’t catch the cold and end up spending Christmas at the hospital.

BUT, the day was saved by a special visitor… Tanner’s favorite ER nurse, Blaire, came to play. Seriously, how amazing is that? Blaire was Tanner’s nurse back in March when Tanner was lifeflighted to Vanderbilt for a Bactrim reaction. All that long night, while John and I sat in chairs and hung on to hope that Tanner would make it through the night, and that someone would figure out what was wrong with her and be able to fix it, Blair was there. She was quiet and competent and sweet to my child and to John and I.

The next time we were in the Vanderbilt ER was on May 30; the pediatrician had sent us in after having spent most of the night at Williamson Medical Center’s ER with excruciating back pain. We were sent home having been told that Tanner was constipated. The next morning, after not sleeping for most of the night due to the pain, Tanner developed a fever and we went to the pediatrician’s office. They sent us to Vanderbilt where she had numerous tests and were told that she most likely had leukemia. Again, Blaire was there, this time with Megan (who Tanner also loves). I think going through that kind of trauma bonds you in a strange, but powerful, way. Blaire and Megan came to visit Tanner while she was in the hospital that first week, even bringing gifts for her. They said they rarely get to see what happens to their patients after they leave the ER. We thought they were amazing.

A month ago, Tanner needed a blood transfusion and John took her to the ER. Guess who was there?!!! Blaire! I think it’s unusual to keep getting the same nurse like that when there are so many shifts and the Vanderbilt Children’s ER is so big.

Blaire contacted me through the blog the other day. She said she had the week off and would love to come play with Tanner. Of course, we said yes. Today, she and Tanner danced, dressed up Build-a-Bears, played restaurant and doctor, and even played wii. Tanner loved it. She needed it. I don’t have the stamina to play with that kind of intensity anymore… I’m burnt out on pretending.

I think it is amazing for a nurse that sees sick kids all day at work to choose to spend her time off with a sick kid. But, honestly, that’s been our experience at Vanderbilt. John and I say constantly how awesome it is that the people that work there are unfailingly compassionate. For example, when Tanner has a CT scan, you can only imagine that she is the 20th kid the tech has scanned that day, but you would never know it. They are kind to her, and kind to us. They genuinely care.

We are so fortunate to have a hospital like Vanderbilt so close by. I keep up with the CaringBridge site of a little girl named Kinsee that has T-cell ALL and just had a bone marrow transplant. She lives in a small town in West Tennessee and travels to St. Jude for treatment. When she is in intensive phases of treatment or her counts are low, she and her mom have to live at the Ronald McDonald House or the Target House. I can’t imagine how disruptive this is during what is already an unbelievably stressful ordeal.

Today, Blair reminded us of just how lucky we are. Not only do we live 20 minutes from Vanderbilt, they make house calls! I meant to take a picture of Tanner and Blaire for the post, but forgot. Tanner says Blaire took some with her phone. Maybe she’ll send them to me (hint, hint) and I’ll post them if she doesn’t mind.

Love,
Beth

Happy Anniversary

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December 11, 2009

cabo san lucas 072Ten years! I have been married to John for 10 years. There have been ups and downs, good times and bad, smooth rolling and rocky moments and… well, the unimaginable. Together, we have traversed this road side by side and I can’t imagine having taken this journey with anyone else.

The best part about John is that he gets me. He knows I usually have a negative knee jerk reaction to new things at first, but that, usually, after thinking about it, I’ll consider it rationally and come around. (And, no, I don’t usually apologize for the knee jerk reaction.) He just knows that’s what I’m going to do and rolls with it. He knows that’s me and it’s probably not going to change. And, he doesn’t make me feel bad about it. I have a big personality and need someone confident enough to deal with that. If anything, John’s personality is bigger than mine, but somehow, he complements me instead of overshadowing me.

Over the past six or seven years, John and I have faced a lot together. On the way to having Tanner and Jake, I miscarried three times. Jake was born with one kidney and had bladder reflux… thankfully it resolved itself without surgery. John’s Mom has had breast cancer… twice. Then, of course, leukemia for Tanner, an unimaginable diagnosis that could rock the foundation of any relationship.

All these things could have separated us. The stress alone certainly drives John and I to say and do some things we wouldn’t normally say or do. We certainly don’t always agree on everything to do with Tanner’s treatment. But, in the end, I think we’re a tighter team than we have ever been before. We work on it, forgive each other, and sometimes just agree to disagree. But, mostly, I think we come out on the same side and face things head on… together.

Dr. Phil (I can’t believe I’m quoting Dr. Phil) once said that marriage is NOT 50/50. Sometimes it’s 80/20, sometimes 60/40 and, occasionally, 100/0. I think you have to have faith that it evens out in the end and not keep score. I think the best thing about our relationship is that John and I carry each other when we need to and try not to make a big deal about it. No one needs to feel bad about the times when you’re not really pulling your weight.

Bottom line is, I’m crazy about my husband. He is goofy and kind. He has an unwavering commitment to me and to the kids that is rare. He is strong and solid an amazing dad and husband. He makes me laugh and still gives me butterflies. And, I just like hanging out with him… he’s fun.

Happy Anniversary, Baby. I love you.
Beth

Christmas Has Arrived!

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December 2, 2009

I’ve been having a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit. Our tree is up, but is not decorated. We still have pumpkins on the front porch. I haven’t bought even the first Christmas present.

But today, Christmas came to us. My friend, Pat, had sent me an email several days ago saying a surprise would be delivered to us one morning this week. This morning, I got a call from a man saying he had a special delivery and would be to our house shortly. I told Tanner there was a surprise on the way and she and Jake were glued to the front windows asking me every 2 minutes when the surprise would be there.

Within 10 minutes, a black pick-up truck pulled up to the house with a special driver… Santa Claus was behind the wheel!

I yelled to Tanner, “It’s Santa in the truck!” Tanner and Jake began screaming and we opened the door to watch him as he came up the walk in the drizzle and brought us our sopping newspaper out of the yard. I think I was every bit as excited as the kids.

We invited Santa in and he hugged Tanner and then picked her up and carried her to the couch where they began talking about what she wanted for Christmas. Jake was a little leary at first, but warmed up pretty quickly and I was able to take pictures of them both on Santa’s lap after Jake told him he wanted a motorcycle and Tanner told him she wanted an American Girl doll.

IMG_1310We spent about 10 or 15 minutes with Santa before he had to go tend to important seasonal business. He hugged Jake and Tanner and told him he loved them. Then, he turned and hugged me. I felt the Santa magic… really. As we embraced, I whispered in his ear, “You have no idea what this means to us. I never dreamed we would be able to take this picture or that she would be able to sit on your lap this year.” Santa pulled back and held me by the shoulders and said, “That’s why I came; because I knew you couldn’t come to me.”

I cried, of course. And, Tanner got embarrassed and told me to go away if I was going to cry! We stood on the porch waving and yelling, “Merry Christmas, Santa!” as he drove away.

Just days before, Tanner had asked me when we were going to sit on Santa’s lap. I hesitated, trying to find a gentle way to prepare her for the fact that we probably weren’t going to get to sit on Santa’s lap due to the crowds. I started by saying, “We’ll have to ask Dr. Mixan about that,” but I didn’t have to finish. She already knew. She paused a moment and then said, “I have an idea, Mom. You take Jake to sit on Santa’s lap and he can give Santa my list.” She wasn’t overly upset about it; and that’s what broke my heart. She didn’t even expect to be able to sit on Santa’s lap this year. It was like she knew already that this kind of thing just wasn’t going to happen for her.

IMG_1308I don’t have to open any of my presents this Christmas to know that this will be my favorite Christmas gift. Christmas came to our house. Not on a snowy night in a sled pulled by reindeer, but in a black pick-up truck in the rain.

I could assume that my friend Pat told Santa we needed a personal visit this year. But, I prefer to think that Santa already knew and just asked Pat to call us to let us know he was coming. Either way, it was magic.

Love,
Beth