Category Archives: emotions

Blessings & Curses

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September 30, 2009 Tomorrow will be both a blessing and a curse. It is the long-awaited day of the Light the Night walk for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, a joyous day we have been really looking forward to. But, it is also the first day of the Delayed Intensification treatment phase, a day we have been dreading.

It will be an odd day, but I think it’s awesome that it will end on the up note with the walk at 7:30 at LP Field.

We are still hopeful that Tanner will be able to come, but there are certainly a lot of hurdles to jump. First, her counts will have to be high enough for the doctor to clear her (we’re pretty confident about this as her counts have been high and she did not have chemo last week). Second, if her hemoglobin has gone down and she has to have a transfusion tomorrow, we will be at clinic for so long, we probably wouldn’t make it. Third, she has to feel like coming (and this is where we may find our sticking point).

Tanner’s first day of Delayed Intensification starts with a bang. The whole goal of this phase of treatment is to ferret out and destroy any insidious little leukemia cells that may be hiding, and for that job, they bring in the heavy artillery. Tomorrow, Tanner will have a lumbar puncture with and injection of methotrexate, an IV infusion of Vincristine and an IV infusion of Doxorubicin, a chemo she has never taken. In addition, she starts the dreaded oral steroid, dexamethasone. We’re hoping with a nap in the afternoon, we can bring the wagon and pull her when she gets tired. She really wants to come. So, we’ll see.

We are so honored by those who have chosen to donate to Tanner’s team. It floors us that we have had to raise our goal not once, but 3 times, due to the overwhelming generosity of friends, family and some we have never met. We have currently raised more than $7,200. I cannot find the right words to thank people enough or to explain what this has meant to us… to have something like this to look forward to.

Our friend, Rebecca Little, has a way with words and best summed up the way this event has made us feel. She said we must feel like the guy on the cell phone commercials with the huge network behind him. Only our network is one of love and support! What a perfect analogy! Every donation, every person signed up to walk, every wish for success, has wrapped us in love and support… and tomorrow night we will literally be surrounded by it. I so hope that Tanner can come. She needs to feel what John and I feel, and I think tomorrow night is the kind of night even a six-year-old can understand.

Thank you is not the right word… I just can’t find one that is adequate.

Love,
Beth

Lemonade for Leukemia

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Lemonade for Leukemia

Lemonade for Leukemia

September 28, 2009 This afternoon, Tanner, Jake and I made a pink sign that said, “Lemonade for Leukemia.” Then, while Tanner had school with Mrs. O’Hara in her classroom, Jake and I made lemonade and packed the wagon with a card table and chairs, cups and Leukemia and Lymphoma Society red bracelets.

At 5:10, we pulled the wagon across the street and set up shop. An hour later, we packed back up, having collected $259 for Tanner’s Light the Night Team. Yes, you read correctly… $259!!! Tanner is so excited. We came home and I thought after dinner we would count up the money and make the donation on-line. But, Tanner had other ideas… she wanted to know if she could have the loose change that John and I throw into various containers throughout the house. Needless to say, we’re taking it tomorrow to Kroger to put it in the Coinstar machine to be counted.

But, here’s the best part… she lost a tooth today (that’s a whole other story) and we put it under her pillow for the tooth fairy. After putting her to bed, I came down to eat dinner and she showed up on the balcony and said, “Mom, I want to write a note to the tooth fairy to ask for extra money for Light the Night. Can you help me?”

So, she dictated the following note:

Dear Tooth Fairy,
Please leave extra money so I can get ahead of the other team and have the most money for Light the Night.
Love, Tanner, Jake, Mommy and Tanner

She asked me, while I was writing the note, why I kept laughing. I wanted to tell her that I loved her competitiveness, her never-give-up attitude and her wonderful innocence in thinking that we could somehow make up the $4,000 that separates us from the first place team. That is the attitude that will help her come through this stronger than before and I love seeing it.

So, look out! Tanner Page is on a rampage to be the high dollar fundraiser for Light the Night this year.

I want to thank my friend Robin Embry for putting together this Light the Night team for us and all my dear friends at Lovell Communications for jumping in to help. I don’t think we would have ever done this without her and it has turned out to be the most positive thing for us. I know that I’ve dedicated a lot of blog space to this event, but it’s not just because we want so badly to see this cancer eradicated. This fundraiser has given us, and especially Tanner, something positive to focus on and has empowered her to feel like she could have some effect on this disease. That is priceless and we thank everyone for helping her feel this way.

Now, excuse me while I go find my wallet and make sure the tooth fairy is generous.

Love,
Beth

This Is How a Cure Happens

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September 27, 2009 I’ve been sitting here on the sofa for the last hour writing thank you emails to those who have donated to Tanner’s Light the Night Team. I’m happy to say it’s not the first time I’ve spent time writing thank yous for the event, nor will it be the last, as I am still not finished. I’ve had tears in my eyes for the vast majority of the time I’ve been writing. I can’t believe the generosity of our friends, our family and those we have never even met.

Tanner was so excited when I told her that we had passed our goal. In fact, we haven’t just passed it, we’ve blown right by it in a flurry of generosity that has made me hopeful that someday, no one will have to ever get leukemia. In the past four days, we have raised another $1,000 for a total, as of this writing, of $5,920. I can’t believe it!

This is a how a cure happens… one donation at a time… donations in honor of a little girl who appreciates it so much.

We’re planning our lemonade stand for this week so Tanner can contribute as well. She’s really excited and so hopeful that she’ll be able to walk with us on Thursday. John and I said today it will be a “perfect storm” of circumstances if she is able to come, but we’re still hoping.

We had a wonderful weekend. My parents took on the responsibility of Tanner’s medication (I didn’t realize how complicated it was until I tried to explain it) and kept the kids overnight while John and stayed in downtown Nashville Friday night. We had a great dinner at my favorite restaurant, a good night’s sleep and a leisurely, uninterrupted breakfast before meandering our way home Saturday afternoon. It was wonderful and my parents are awesome. They stayed with us Saturday night and the kids loved getting to see them.

Tanner has had some odd moments of not feeling well and not being able to describe her symptoms that have me worrying about her red counts, but her energy continues to be great, so I’m trying not to worry about it. Poor thing, I keep staring at her face to see if her lips are blue and picking up her hands to look at her fingernails. I’m sure she’s sick of me.

We have some cancer kid friends that need your prayers … Tanner reminded me last night not to forget to pray for Kinsee – an eight-year-old with T-cell ALL who goes to St. Jude on Tuesday to begin preparing for a bone-marrow transplant. She will undergo intensive radiation and chemo treatments until all the cells in her bone marrow have been killed and her white counts are down to 0. Then, they will transplant the donor’s marrow into her bones and see if she recovers. She will be in the hospital for a minimum of 100 days. This is a very dangerous procedure that, Thank God, is not part of Tanner’s treatment plan.

Another eight-year-old you have probably heard me talk about, Lily, has had very low neutraphil counts. Neutraphils are your big, infection-fighting white cells and a normal count level would be from 5-10,000. Lily’s neutraphils last week were at 300. She has had to be pulled out of school until her counts recover, after just having been able to return. Lily has not been feeling well the last two days and has had a low fever. Please pray that her immune system recovers and she does not have an infection or virus.

Thank you so much to everyone who has donated to help stop this disease, or at least find a more humane way of treating it.

We love you,
Beth

Happy Birthday to Me

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September 23, 2009 If you read Tanner Time this morning, or if you were one of the 50 or so people who sent me some kind of good wishes today, you know it is my birthday. Wow! What can I say? How do you thank a husband who does something like that? Or, friends who send so many kind wishes?

Today was full of the normal things… laundry, dishes, diapers… but every time I checked my email, I got a little burst of birthday cheer! Then, my two best friends, Beth and Kim, and Beth’s husband, Glenn, brought dinner and cake to the house. We ate, sang, and laughed, a lot. My husband and kids gave me a giant singing card, money to go shopping and a subscription to People Magazine. It was the perfect kind of birthday.

Friday, my parents are coming to take care of the kids while John and I spend Friday night in downtown Nashville. What a treat for everyone! The kids will love having Grandmom and Grandad here and John and I will get a date night and our first uninterrupted night of sleep in a long time. Yay! My birthday will just go on and on… I love that!

Thank you so much for all the kind and encouraging words today… I was blushing by noon. If I’m only half as strong as people think I am, I’m doing okay ☺. Actually, there is an Eleanor Roosevelt quote printed on the back of my Leukemia and Lymphoma Society “Relentless” T-shirt that I hope to live up to some day. “Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

I know myself enough to know that I am not the kind of person who will never complain, not the kind of person who will always put others first, not the kind of person who is eternally positive. I complain often and definitely have my down moments. But, I am strong, to the point of being stubborn sometimes. Fortunately, I think this is one of the requirements of making it through a journey like this. I believe Tanner may have inherited some of this stubborn strength from me. She is so strong willed that she can drive you crazy sometimes. But, she can also kick some serious cancer butt.

Today, I was brushing Tanner’s hair and quite a bit fell out. I gathered it up and was on my way to throw it in the trash, when Jake head butted Tanner… with his face. Blood everywhere, screaming, busted lip… ugh. Later, when we returned from Tanner’s play therapy appointment, Tanner found the clump of hair on the couch where I had abandoned it. She held it up in two hands and said in a kooky voice, “Awwww.” Then, she threw it up in the air, laughing, and ran off to play race cars with Jake. Just in case all those kind words today went to my head, my daughter reminded me to be humble in the face of true strength.

Hope your day was great, too.

Love,
Beth

To My Wife On Her Birthday!

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I know all of you read this blog to learn about Tanner and get a glimpse into Tanner’s world through Beth’s eyes as well as to support us in this place where we find ourselves – and for the prayers and well wishes I thank you from the bottom of my heart!  I mean it – we could never make it through this without you!  I do not write like her, nor do I express myself as she does – (She is really good at this thing)   But today I want to make my post – and it is for my wife.

Beth Page

Beth Page

Beth Brisbane Page you are amazing!   One of your home co-workers cries and wets his pants (Jake),  the other is fighting an ugly disease that does not allow for a normal life of school, parties, etc (the time most moms get breaks)  – I want you to know that I realize that in many ways  this is as difficult for you as it is for Tanner – the feelings of being trapped in a house, the feelings of not wanting to go to clinic one more time, the feelings of exhaustion when no one sleeps at night – trust me I realize!  I watch you (a social butterfly is an understatement) a past VP of a Public Relations firm – working everyday with polly pockets and dinosaur toys.  I know that this gets old –  and the pretending games and motorcycle races drive you almost to the place of insanity – I realize – I promise!  But Baby – let me stop today on your birthday and in front of all these witnesses and remind you why I married you. I married you because…

  • you are strong!  You remind me of that everyday when you get up and start a new day of exactly what you did yesterday – not knowing how Tanner will feel, or if she will say thank you for the grind you work through each day.
  • you are smart! You remind me everyday when you learn something new about the disease and find new things we can do to make Tanner’s treatment better and easier for her.
  • you never give up!  You are the mother tiger – you fight for Tanner – if it the school, the hospital, or even me (for all the readers – I am a germ-a-phobe – If it were up to me Tanner would be in a bubble) Beth gives Tanner a life!
  • you are balanced!  You remind me everyday by how you make the kids exercise, do school work, give to others, and play without screens in front of their faces.
  • you are beautiful!  You look great in Pajamas or Jogging Pants, Dresses or Jeans – I know Jake tells you that you are cute all the time – maybe I need to learn from my 2 year old son and tell you more often!
  • you are you – no matter what any one else thinks!  That is a  lesson we all could learn – I am not sure that you have ever followed the crowd a day in your life – I do believe, however,  you may have looked which way the crowd was going and chose the other route for fun!
  • I just love you and I am crazy about you!

This post was so easy to write – and I could have gone on and on and on – that is how I know I love you – these things just spilled out – my fingers could not even keep up with my thoughts  – you are as amazing as I knew you would be when I married you – you are committed to our kids – advocate, cheerleader, mommy, and more – so on the days when you can’t feel it – read it!

We all stop and wish you a Happy Birthday!  You are a great mom and wife – you are my soulmate and my friend – you are amazing

Happy Birthday!

My Happy Place

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September 20, 2009 Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel all is right with the world and you are exactly where you are supposed to be? I find myself having these moments sometimes when all four of us are together and something just clicks and I feel supremely happy.

This weekend, after having spent a rainy, but great morning volunteering at the Nashville Polycystic Kidney Disease Walk with my girlfriends and then running some errands in the afternoon, I arrived home to find that John and the kids had built this HUGE fort in the living room. It involved the usual chairs and blankets, but they had gone beyond any structure I had ever dared built and had a small condo of sorts under there. After dinner and a quick bike ride around the neighborhood, we all got under there together, even the dog! Tanner had her laptop under there playing a computer game, John and Jake were wrestling and I was throwing a tennis ball out of the tent for the dog, who was bringing it back over and over again. John and I kept laughing about how crawling around in a 3 foot high fort would have been much easier in our twenties.

It was a simple moment and, to tell you the truth, I had a chair leg digging into my back most of the time, but something about it made me so happy. It was one of those times where I realize, that for every time I wish I were napping on the sofa instead of playing Polly Pockets or listening to Coldplay instead of KidzBop in the car, there is a moment like this that makes me realize I could never be this happy without Tanner and Jake.

Yesterday morning was the Franklin 4 the Cure event at Westhaven to raise money for childhood cancer. Tanner’s Trotters braved the rain to run in Tanner’s honor and we are so grateful to them for their generosity and determination! John ended up not being able to go to the race after all; our babysitter got sick and couldn’t make it, but Leslie and Keith Harper, who spearheaded the team, came by after the race to bring Tanner a t-shirt and show her the ones they had worn, with Tanner’s Trotters printed on the front with a Sharpie. Many thanks to them for organizing and running and for coming by afterward to see the kids, when I know they would have rather gone home to take a nap. It meant a lot to Tanner.

We’ve been a little on the down low this weekend; not only has it rained, but both of us feel that Tanner’s energy level is a little off due to the anemia. She would gladly go until she dropped, if given the opportunity, but we’ve been trying to keep her from wearing herself out. Today, we spent the afternoon with John’s brother, Michael; sister-in-law, Amanda; and nephew, Mack, who is six. They live right here in Nashville, but we don’t see them enough, for one reason or another, and it was great to spend a spontaneous afternoon at their house over pizza.

On the way home, there was a beautiful sunset and Jake was amazed by the colors. I love his unjaded view of the world. He was still talking sleepily about the “cowors” when I put him in his crib.

Oddly, Tanner has had less severe side-effects from this round of chemo, despite the fact that she received more chemo this week than last. She was nauseated the first day, but up the second and has only had sporadic nausea since then. Overall, Tanner has had fewer side effects than many on chemo, and for that, I am so thankful. With usual Tanner enthusiasm, she has thrown herself at cancer just like she does everything else, and is doing so much better than we could have hoped at this point.

So, even though the rain is supposed to continue all week long, I think I’ve found my happy place again.

Love,
Beth

Not My Best Moments

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September 16, 2009 As I write this, my children, by some miracle of God, are quietly and peacefully playing by themselves in a tent in the playroom. So, I expect that as soon as I dare to write something here, bedlam will erupt! (Actually, they did come down the minute I started typing, but I bribed them with fruit snacks and they have gone back upstairs!)

So, I’ve just not been at my best this week. I’ve long struggled with staying home with my kids. I want to do it, believe it is the right thing to do for them, and enjoy it most days. But, sometimes, I miss having a job that doesn’t involve sticky hands, playing barbies or doing laundry. Last year, with Tanner in kindergarten and Jake in Mom’s Day Out 2 days a week, I felt like I had finally hit my stride. It was just the right balance between being able to spend time with my kids and being able to do something mentally challenging, like co-chairing the fundraiser at Jake’s school.

When Tanner was diagnosed this summer, I had her signed up for some cool camps and activities and was looking forward to spending lots of time at the pool with the kids. Of course, none of those things ever happened. When fall came around, I was ready for the familiar schedule are structure of school, but that never happened either.

Jake is going to school 2 days a week, but Tanner is, of course, home with me. And, while I try to make those days special for her, it’s hard when you can’t really go anywhere and she sometimes doesn’t feel good. I don’t stay home well; I like to get out. It refreshes my spirit and gives me energy.

So, I’ve not been at my best this week… being here all the time is dragging at me. Yesterday, I thought maybe Tanner and I would go to a movie, but she woke pale… very pale… and not feeling well. I suspect her red cell count is down; she had a headache, didn’t feel well and slept late, all signs of anemia. Instead of going to a movie, we rented one and stayed home, which sounds nice, unless it’s the 30th day in a row you’ve stayed at home. She started feeling better around noon and we went to an outside restaurant for lunch, but it was still a long day.

I miss sitting with my friends at McDonalds talking about grown up things while our kids play on the playground.

As I write this, I feel ungrateful for the miracle that my child is alive despite this insidious disease she has. I should be cherishing every moment, right? And, I feel guilty because this is difficult for Tanner, too, and here I am feeling sorry for myself. But, in the immortal words of my good friend Ron Whitler, there are just only so many kid games an adult can play without losing their minds. My temper is short, my tolerance for pretending is nil and I really wouldn’t like to be my kids this week.

Ugghhh. Must be the rain.

I’m going upstairs to be the monster outside the tent. I’ll try to pretend that I’m enjoying it and maybe eventually I will!

Beth

Three Little Girls in One Big Arena

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Leah, Tanner and Gracie

Leah, Tanner and Gracie

September 13, 2009 I sat in the arena last night with my daughter in my lap, tired as only a six-year-old up 2 hours past her bedtime can be, but still singing along with Taylor Swift and loving every minute of it. I thought how there were thousands, maybe ten thousand, little girls in that arena who were lucky to be at that concert. But, none were so lucky as my little girl, for whom being able to go to a concert was a small miracle in the midst of four long months of limitations. I admit, I teared up, but she never knew it. I wanted only happy moments for her that night. And, we had them.

Some of my favorites…

–The three little girls, squeezed (car seats and all) into the back seat of my van, Taylor Swift blasting on the stereo, while we moms covered our ears as they sang, screamed and laughed their way to Nashville.

–Leah turning to me after Taylor Swift sang her first song and very seriously saying, “Miss Beth, we will stay for one or two more songs, then we will need to go home because it is way past our bedtime.” (Sorry, Leah, we stayed a lot longer than that.)

–The girls up on the front row of the suite dancing and twirling their glow sticks for all they were worth while Kellie Pickler performed.

–Tanner insisting, even after having fallen asleep briefly a few times, on us staying until Taylor sang “Love Story.” Thanks, T, it was worth it!

–Gracie, up on her feet singing all the words to “Love Story,” when only 10 minutes before she had been sound asleep in her Mama’s lap.

–Girl time not only for the little girls, but the big ones. Anna Lynn and Shelley are the kind of friends that show up at the Emergency Room at midnight on a school night because there might be something they could do to help. And, because they know what it‘s like to be a mom and can imagine what it would be like to be terrified that your child won‘t make it. They’re also the kind of friends that quietly organize meals and come by to take care of Jake when I need it. I’m glad I could do some small thing to say thanks.

–Meeting the oncology nurses from Centennial and Leigh Stamps and her friends, who made up the other two “Light the Night” teams that won tickets to the concert. These great ladies raised money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, not because they have a personal stake in it, as we do, but because they saw a need and are the kind of people who take action when they see an opportunity to help.

We all had a great time, even the Moms. It was a good show and the first concert for all three little girls. They were exhausted when we arrived home at 11 pm, but it was worth it.

And when I got home,
‘fore I said, Amen,
Asking God if He
Could play it again.(Taylor Swift, Our Song)

Love,
Beth

Big, Exciting News!!!

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One, happy little girl

One, happy little girl

September 12, 2009 Two HUGE things have happened to us in the last few days. One is that Tanner got to have a salad. I know, this doesn’t seem like a huge thing… especially for a six-year-old… but I had promised Tanner that the next time her counts were high, I would thoroughly wash some lettuce and make her a salad. She was in salad and crouton heaven.

The other is that we won 6 tickets to the Taylor Swift concert tonight from the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and the clinic said Tanner could go!!!! We raised the second highest amount of money for Tanner’s Light the Night team during a one week period and will sit in a suite with the other two winning teams. Tanner is SOOOOOOO excited!

When I first got the call about the tickets from Robin Embry, who is coordinating Tanner’s team, I thought, “Oh no, here is another cruel irony. We raise all this money in Tanner’s name and then she can’t go to the concert. There‘s no way we can sit in the midst of all those people, even if we are in a suite.” All afternoon Thursday, I was just sick about it. It just seemed so unfair. That night, I had Bunco at my house and was telling the girls about it. Celia Whitler, who is the host of Tanner Time, said she might have a connection to help us find the most germ-free environment to watch the show from and to call her husband Ron in the morning and see what they could do. Maybe we find the best place to sit. I began to think maybe we could make it happen.

The next morning, I was at it with a vengeance. I decided to chase this thing down until I hit a total dead end. I called the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and talked with them and with my friend Ron. Everyone was trying to find a solution… was there an empty suite somewhere? Could she wear a mask and sit in the corner? Finally, later in the afternoon, I called the clinic at Vanderbilt to see what they would say about it. The nurse looked up Tanner’s chart and said, “Her counts are so high, I don’t see any reason she can’t go, and she doesn’t need a mask; it would just ruin it for her.”

Oh my Gosh!!!! Finally, a break! A providential aligning of the stars that combined high counts and an awesome opportunity to celebrate life! I called everyone that had been working on the problem with us to let them know we had success. I called two girlfriends of Tanner’s and invited them and their Mom’s to join us.

Last night, we pulled up some YouTube video of Taylor Swift in concert and said, “Wow, she puts on a cool concert; wouldn’t it be cool to go to that tomorrow night?” Tanner looked confused. “Wouldn’t it be cool to go to that with Leah and Gracie and their Mom’s tomorrow night?” “Are we?” she said, wide-eyed. “How?” After we explained it, she screamed in the way that only a six-year-old girl can, and we all did a happy dance.

This morning, Melissa from the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society came by and delivered the tickets. We are so excited! Tanner has never been to a concert before and she LOVES Taylor Swift and Kelly Pickler, who is opening for Taylor. She’ll have to take a big nap this afternoon, since the concert doesn’t even start until her bedtime and I doubt we’ll make it for the whole thing, but it will still be an awesome experience. After having to miss so many things over the past few months, this is a welcome opportunity to do something special and forget about her limitations for once.

Thanks to all who have donated to Team Tanner; not only have you helped fund research for the cure of blood cancers, but you have helped create a very special night for our little girl. Thanks also to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for the tickets and for being so gung-ho about helping Tanner be able to go. And, thanks to Franklin American Mortgage company, John’s employer, for making a call to the Sommet Center so we can park in the Arena Garage and avoid entering the building with all the crowds of people, which might be dangerous for Tanner.

People are so kind to rally around one little girl to make a special dream come true. And, good things… no wonderful things… can happen in the midst of great adversity.

Thanks, God. I owe you one.

Love,
Beth

A Little Magic

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September 6, 2009

“You would never know.”

That’s what my best friend Kim said tonight while we stood and watched Tanner roll down the hill at our other best friend Beth’s house. They have a huge yard and the kids love to run wildly through it, as only kids can.

There are many times when Tanner looks and seems completely normal that it’s easy to forget. She looked so happy, like any other kid, rolling down that hill. Climbing up it was a little difficult, but she did it.

Beth and Glenn had us all over for a cookout. The kids picked acorns off a tree and then we hid them like easter eggs in the yard for them to find. They planted some seeds in pots to grow carrots (we had to stop Tanner half way through because the dirt was getting all over her and it was probably not the best idea). They climbed on Glenn’s “tractor” and pretended to drive. They took turns singing into Aunt Beth’s real microphone — Tanner sang some Hannah Montana and Jake sang a little “Itsy bitsy spider” and “Old McDonald.”

After a great dinner, we toasted marshmallows over the cinders in the grill and made S’Mores. Then, they chased fireflies in the yard.

On the way home, Jake, who is never awake when it is dark outside, kept looking at the car lights and the sunset and saying, “Look at the colors Mommy.”

We arrived home tired and full and Tanner was asleep before she hit the pillow.

It was a perfect evening. Thanks Beth and Glenn for sharing a little magic with my kids.

Love,
Beth