Category Archives: prayer requests

This Is How a Cure Happens

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September 27, 2009 I’ve been sitting here on the sofa for the last hour writing thank you emails to those who have donated to Tanner’s Light the Night Team. I’m happy to say it’s not the first time I’ve spent time writing thank yous for the event, nor will it be the last, as I am still not finished. I’ve had tears in my eyes for the vast majority of the time I’ve been writing. I can’t believe the generosity of our friends, our family and those we have never even met.

Tanner was so excited when I told her that we had passed our goal. In fact, we haven’t just passed it, we’ve blown right by it in a flurry of generosity that has made me hopeful that someday, no one will have to ever get leukemia. In the past four days, we have raised another $1,000 for a total, as of this writing, of $5,920. I can’t believe it!

This is a how a cure happens… one donation at a time… donations in honor of a little girl who appreciates it so much.

We’re planning our lemonade stand for this week so Tanner can contribute as well. She’s really excited and so hopeful that she’ll be able to walk with us on Thursday. John and I said today it will be a “perfect storm” of circumstances if she is able to come, but we’re still hoping.

We had a wonderful weekend. My parents took on the responsibility of Tanner’s medication (I didn’t realize how complicated it was until I tried to explain it) and kept the kids overnight while John and stayed in downtown Nashville Friday night. We had a great dinner at my favorite restaurant, a good night’s sleep and a leisurely, uninterrupted breakfast before meandering our way home Saturday afternoon. It was wonderful and my parents are awesome. They stayed with us Saturday night and the kids loved getting to see them.

Tanner has had some odd moments of not feeling well and not being able to describe her symptoms that have me worrying about her red counts, but her energy continues to be great, so I’m trying not to worry about it. Poor thing, I keep staring at her face to see if her lips are blue and picking up her hands to look at her fingernails. I’m sure she’s sick of me.

We have some cancer kid friends that need your prayers … Tanner reminded me last night not to forget to pray for Kinsee – an eight-year-old with T-cell ALL who goes to St. Jude on Tuesday to begin preparing for a bone-marrow transplant. She will undergo intensive radiation and chemo treatments until all the cells in her bone marrow have been killed and her white counts are down to 0. Then, they will transplant the donor’s marrow into her bones and see if she recovers. She will be in the hospital for a minimum of 100 days. This is a very dangerous procedure that, Thank God, is not part of Tanner’s treatment plan.

Another eight-year-old you have probably heard me talk about, Lily, has had very low neutraphil counts. Neutraphils are your big, infection-fighting white cells and a normal count level would be from 5-10,000. Lily’s neutraphils last week were at 300. She has had to be pulled out of school until her counts recover, after just having been able to return. Lily has not been feeling well the last two days and has had a low fever. Please pray that her immune system recovers and she does not have an infection or virus.

Thank you so much to everyone who has donated to help stop this disease, or at least find a more humane way of treating it.

We love you,
Beth

She has a Fever

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September 3, 2009

I’m packing a bag for Tanner and I… just in case. After a fun day playing at Aunt Beth’s, she has come down with a low fever. So far, not above 100, but at 100.4, it’s off to the hospital we go. So we’re just waiting… and packing.

So while we wait, you pray. And, I’ll update in the morning.

Love,
Beth

Jake’s Big Day

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August 26, 2009 Jake has his first day of school tomorrow! He’s so excited! I had to drag him out of Miss Julie’s room kicking and screaming the other day at orientation, so I think that’s a good sign he likes it. He went to “school” at the same church last year as well, but this year has a new teacher, and he will be doing much more big boy things.

I asked him at dinner what he liked best about Miss Julie’s classroom and he said, “Monster Twucks.” Nuff said.

At first when Tanner found out Jake would be going to school this fall, she was upset. “If I can’t go to school, then Jake can’t either,” she said. But, when I pointed out the fun things we might be able to do without little brother around, she found a way to be happy for him.

I’m proud of her, though, for loving him enough to be excited for him when she is so sad she can’t go to school herself. She is going to help me take his “first day of school” picture tomorrow morning before we drop him off and make our way to the clinic.

She’s also made a lot of progress expressing anger appropriately. She still has her moments, but has managed to be more respectful and calm than she had been over the last month or more. I don’t often notice her trying to pick and fight anymore, and if she does, we just put her in her room until she calms down and that seems to lessen the duration of the problem at least. So, I’m proud of her for this, too.

We’re praying for better counts tomorrow so we can start back on the methotrexate and maybe go over to the school to visit Tanner’s classroom and teacher. They’ve already had some Swine Flu cases there, though, so I don’t know if we’ll be able to go either way. It would mean so much to her, I think, to see the room and her desk there waiting for her. I think she’s having a hard time connecting what is going on there with what she is doing with her homebound teacher. A visit might help, but we certainly don’t want to risk any exposure to the flu.

Tanner’s Light the Night Team has raised $2,125 so far to help in the fight against blood cancers! If you would like to walk with us Oct. 1 in Tanner’s honor, go to http://pages.lightthenight.org/tn/MidTN09/TeamTanner and sign up for Tanner’s Team. All proceeds benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

Will post tomorrow once I know any medical updates.

Love,
Beth

Two Ways You Can Help

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August 16, 2009 We have been, as I have mentioned before, but cannot mention enough, profoundly blessed by the kindness of friends, neighbors, church members, family and people we have never even met since we began this journey 2 ½ months ago. It is humbling to know just how many are praying for Tanner every day, much less bringing us meals, sending sweet gifts and offering words of encouragement and hope.

Yet, amazingly, people still ask us on a regular basis what else they can do to help. I’ll be honest, if I took any more meals from someone at this point, I’d just be taking them because I’m a lousy cook, not because I have any less time than you do to make dinner. Things are fairly normal in that department. And, I have my Jake-care situation well taken care of, thanks to Aunt Beth, my parents and my mother-in-law.

But, now two dear friends have found another way you can help… by contributing to some great causes in Tanner’s honor.

Leslie Woods, friend and babysitter to Tanner and Jake, has organized “Tanner’s Trotters” a team for Franklin 4 the Cure 5k run/walk and family festival held in the Westhaven community on Highway 96 in Franklin on Saturday, September 19. It’s a great event that benefits the American Cancer Society, the National Childhood Cancer Research Foundation, and Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. There are children’s runs right after the adult version as well as a kids fun area and a concert later that night by Deana Carter. The event is being held this year in honor of Tanner’s friend Lily, who has ALL, and a little boy named Cooper who has brain cancer. Both kids live in the neighborhood. You can register to run or walk on the Tanner’s Trotters team by September 17 at www.run4thecure.org.

Robin Embry a great friend and former co-worker of mine at Lovell Communications, has started a Team Tanner for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Light the Night Event held on October 1 at LP Field. This is a really special event where teams of people walk in support of those who have cancer. Cancer survivors carry illuminated white balloons and are surrounded by their supporters carrying illuminated red balloons. Those who have lost a loved one to cancer carry a gold balloon in their memory. Although Tanner will not be able to walk with us, due to her immune system issues, we will have a team for her this year and hope she can see for herself next year how many people love her. You can either join the team to walk with us and raise money from friends, family or co-workers, or you can simply donate to the cause on the Website. This is not a fitness walk, but more of a short, ceremonial type of walk. There are activities for kids at the event, so it’s even appropriate for children. To join the team or donate, go to http://pages.lightthenight.org/tn/MidTN09/TeamTanner.

I’ve never liked asking people for money; it’s just not my gig. But, if you could help us honor Tanner in one of these two ways and raise money to help keep another family from going through this misery, John and I would be very appreciative. We’d love to be able to tell Tanner that her team made the most money. Especially since she can’t attend either event.

And, thank you, thank you, thank you to Leslie and Robin for doing this for us. We can’t tell you what this means.

Love,
Beth

My Fervent Hope

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August 6, 2011. That is the day that Tanner will take her last dose of chemo. How crazy is that? Crazy that the doctors can pick a date out of the air 2 years from now and say the leukemia will be gone for good then. Crazy that we will be living this new strange life for two more years. Crazy that anybody, much less such a little body, can take that much abuse and survive.

I don’t know if I’ll dance in celebration that day or spend it crying with relief. I’m hoping that the little 8-year-old girl I see that day is happy and thriving and left with as few physical and emotional scars as possible.

I’ve grappled this week, for the first time since the day Tanner was diagnosed, with the possibility that Tanner might not make it through this ordeal. As I mentioned before, I learned about two children recently who died during long-term maintenance after getting infections. These were kids whose parents, I am sure, were certain their kids were strong enough to beat the beast, who were bolstered by the doctors’ assurance that their children had a highly favorable prognosis, who thought their kids had survived the worst of it.

The truth is, it was not the leukemia that killed these kids, it was the chemo. The chemo keeps their white counts so low that they are susceptible to these infections, and it ravages their little bodies so that their vital organs are not strong enough to weather the storm. It is my understanding that it ends quickly for these kids; the infection does it’s work swiftly.

So, as much as I have tried to stop thinking about this, I have had to admit to myself this week, that this could happen to Tanner. That, as strong as she is, as well as she is doing, as low as her risk category is, there is still the possibility that none of this will matter and that the unthinkable could happen overnight.

I think Tanner has been thinking about it, too. She has, for the second week in a row, made cemeteries in the sand box at the play therapists’ office. When asked by the therapist to “Make your world” in the sandbox, she buried little figures and topped them with tombstones. Earlier this week, she asked me to tell her what I liked so she would know where to bury me, and asked if I wanted to know what she liked so I would know where to bury her. And, we wonder why she’s acting out…

We have to find a treatment for cancer that is not as dangerous as the disease itself. Or, better yet, a cure that eliminates the need for treatment altogether. It is my most fervent hope that, as my friend Robin put it, we will look back in 20 years and think how barbaric it was that we treated cancer patients with these debilitating drugs. Heck, why not shoot for 10 years from now?

Whether it is a child or an adult with cancer, no one should have to endure this. No family should have to go through this. No six-year-old should have to worry about where they’re going to be buried if they die.

There has to be a better way.

Love,
Beth

Lemonade and a Cookie… 50 cents

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lemonad stand 001August 8, 2009 Since when do kids make $18 from a lemonade stand?!!! I don’t ever remember making more than about two bucks and splitting it with my best friend, Carol.

My friend Ashley had a list of things her kids wanted to do this summer and having a lemonade stand was one of the items that hadn’t been checked off. Since school starts Monday, time was a wastin’ and she invited us to help. The kids made a poster, I made the lemonade, Ashley made sugar cookies and we met yesterday in the median between our houses under the shade of some trees. Then, those girls got to work flagging down cars. Even Jake handed out some cookies. Almost every neighbor that drove by stopped and were generous tippers. They had a ton of fun and when we counted up the kitty, they made $18, split three ways!

Tanner, Jake and I had been to Pinkerton Park earlier that day for a bike ride and a picnic in the shade. It was 91 degrees by the time we got there and I noticed the first signs of the Vincristine creeping in. Tanner got hot quickly and, even though she rode quite a while, the heat eventually got the best of her and I had to send her crying to sit with Jake under the pavilion while I put the bikes back in the car and got our lunch.

The chemo has also started effecting her sense of taste. She handed me a pack of gum she just bought today and said, “It tastes yucky!” Tanner loves gum so I know the chemo changed the way it tastes. And, her medicine “burned” her mouth today, which is also some weird side effect of the Vincristine. That particular chemo has a list of side effects a mile long, and unfortunately, is our mainstay chemo for the next two years.

I got to spend a little one-on-one with Jake today for the first time in a while. I took him to the YMCA pool and we had the best time. Tanner can’t go into a public pool like that so I felt bad taking him and not her, but he needed to spend some time in a pool where he can actually reach the bottom. Tanner and John went for ice cream and to the dollar store to spend her lemonade stand earnings (that 6 bucks was burning a hole in her pocket).

John and I sat on the sofa last night and looked through the fan list for Tanner’s Fcebook page (Friends of Tanner). She has 497 fans and after more than an hour, we finally gave up trying to figure out how all those people know us and went to bed feeling blessed and loved. It boggles my mind that between the facebook fans and those that read the blog directly from www.tanner.celiamusic.net, there are probably 800 or more people wishing us well. We feel all those positive thoughts and prayers and thank you all every day for your support. Some day soon, I hope to use all that support to make difference and save some other family from going through this horror.

And, speaking of all that support, thanks to everyone who prayed for our friend Lily. Lily made counts this week and will be starting school next week on the first day… just like everyone else! Amen.

Love,
Beth

Monkey Business

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Kim, me and Beth relaxing at dinner

Kim, me and Beth relaxing at dinner

August 4, 2009 I’m back! It was a great weekend! We went to a big, beautiful cabin in the mountains of Asheville, NC. Lots of lounging, shopping, eating, laughing, girl talk, sleeping, more lounging, free flowing wine and a beautiful view of the smokies to boot. We spent much of our time trying to think of names for Kim’s two goldendoodle puppies that she will bring home soon. “Rhett and Scarlet” and “Brandy and Whiskey” were Kim’s favorites, although Beth and I maintain that no matter what she decides, we are calling them “Jethro and Ellie Mae.” After all, we were in the “hills, that is.”

Wouldn’t have been such a great time without Beth and Kim and wouldn’t have been possible without my awesome husband and mother-in-law at home taking care of the kids.

I did miss the kids, though and I was happy to be home. Things seemed to go very well at while I was gone. I think the backpack making party and barbecue afterward was the highlight for Tanner. Everyone seemed to have a good time and they made a lot of backpacks to boot. I love this picture of them. Tanner and Jake look like they had a huge time, as usual. Thanks to our church family for making this possible for Tanner.

Tanner, Jake and Friends make backpacks for the needy

Tanner, Jake and Friends make backpacks for the needy


This week has been a nice break from the normally restrictive nature of our outings. With Tanner’s counts at an almost normal level (although her immune system is still more compromised than normal), we were able to cautiously get out a little more. We ate last night at Pie in the Sky restaurant where the kids get to play with pizza dough while they wait for their pizza. Then, this morning I took the kids to Opry Mills mall to buy new shoes and go to the Rainforest Cafe. Normally, this is a huge hit, but it was nearly a bust today. I forgot to bring Tanner a sweater and she was so cold I wrapped a paper napkin around her shoulders while Jake spent the whole time very nervous that the animatronic monkeys were going to leave their perch and attack us. He didn’t even eat since he had his fingers stuck in his ears the whole time saying, “It’s too woud” over and over again. When we threw in the towel and decided to take the food with us and eat it in the car on the way home, he said, “Wets get out of here!” Tanner and I laughed about that the whole way home.

This afternoon Tanner had her friend, Isabella, over for a playdate. They made a hair salon in the bathroom and washed each other’s hair and then put on an impressive show for John, Jake and I complete with dancing, piano, acting and singing. Tanner sang the national anthem. It was quite a patriotic moment.

We’ve been incorporating some of the play therapist’s suggestions into handling Tanner and it does appear to be improving things. There are less tantrums, and although she is definitely still angry, she seems to be able to better get hold of herself. She went to talk with the therapist today. I won’t find out what they talked about until next week, but Tanner had a good time and wants to go back so that’s a good sign. Hopefully, she’ll be able to unload a little anger at these sessions and we can find a way to talk to her about this whole rotten thing. It would be nice to be her partner in this instead of her punching bag.

Poor Jake has definitely started to feel the tension in the house and is acting out as well. (I’m just waiting for the dog to rebel next!) It just breaks my heart. He is the sweetest little thing ever and it’s not in his nature to act this way. Thankfully, he’s pretty easy to deal with and I’m hoping a little visit to Grandmom and Grandad’s next week might give him the undivided attention he deserves. It’s hard for a little fella to not get lost in all this, and we need to remember that his needs are just as important as Tanner’s even if she is sick.

Tomorrow is another landmark in this long journey. It is the last day of Consolidation, the second of five phases of treatment Tanner will endure over 2 1/2 years. It’s also probably the last day we’ll have for a while that she’ll be feeling this good. Thursday, provided her counts remain above 750, which I assume they will, we will start Interim Maintenance. That day, August 6, will mark the first day of exactly two years of remaining treatment. They count it from the first day of Interim Maintenance and go two years to the day from then. Crazy how they know exactly how long to treat leukemia to give you the best chance of avoiding a relapse.

Again, please pray for Tanner’s friend Lily. She has only a week to get her counts up high enough to start school on-time and still isn’t there yet. I just know from our experience how important it would be to her to be there on that first day and to be part of the class from the start. This is so hard for these children… not something an 8-year-old or a six-year-old should have to worry about.

Love,
Beth

Patience

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July 19, 2009 Sorry for not posting over the weekend; had a hot date with my husband on Friday night and got home too late to write. Then, on Saturday, I was just too tired after the hot date the night before and had to go to bed early (that’s so sad!). We’re not sleeping so well again here at the Page house. Tanner has been doing so well that we decided we no longer needed to sleep in her room with her; but after six weeks of doing so, the transition is, expectedly, a little rough. I think she’ll do fine, eventually, but it has thrown things off for the time being and she keeps waking us up at night to fulfill various attention-getting requests… I’m cold, I’m thirsty, my tummy hurts, I lost my stuffed animal, I’m afraid… you get the picture.

My Aunt Debbie came in from Huntsville, AL, on Friday and stayed the night with us. John and I got to go have dinner at Red Pony (aka, the hot date)… alone… sigh. It was lovely. The kids loved seeing her and we had a nice visit. So sweet of her to do that for us.

Saturday morning, spur of the moment, we decided to take the kids to the zoo. Tanner’s counts were good this week and the docs are always emphasizing that outdoor stuff is more forgiving as far as germs go, so we decided we could just stay out of the crowds and off the beaten path. Unfortunately, the weather was so unusually pleasant for July (70 degrees!) that everyone else had the same idea. We managed to stay away from everyone for a while, but left after about and hour or so and vowed to come back the next morning to see the other side of the zoo (Jake was desperate to see Tigers). We did go back this morning at 9 am when all the good Christians were in church, which was much better and we had a great time. Even wiped down a carousel cheetah with a antibacterial wipe and rode the carousel. And, of course, saw the Tigers. Jake went to bed chanting, “Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!”

I got away on Saturday to have a pedicure with an old friend I haven’t seen in a while. It was great to catch up. I confessed to her that when I used to get out by myself I had a million ideas about what I could do; now I just go to the grocery store. I can’t think of anything to do; nothing seems very important anymore. So, she promised to make me leave the house every once in while for something fun.

With the exception of some stomach pain and nausea, Tanner continues to feel really good. This month is a gift and we believe we will look back on the Consolidation treatment phase as a good time for us. We know we have harder times coming, so we’re milking this for all it’s worth.

The physical therapist came on Friday to evaluate Tanner. As we have noticed, she definitely has weakness in her legs, particularly her quadriceps when her legs are bent and her hamstrings with legs both bent and straight. Her right side is definitely weaker than her left; no one is certain why this is, but it was definitely the more painful of the two from the leukemia at the very beginning. It was very eye-opening to watch as she asked Tanner to skip and she just couldn’t make the right leg do it, and when she asked her to stand on one leg and then the other. She was able to stand for 26 seconds on her left leg before we just told her to stop. Then, we gave her the best out of three tries on her right leg, which was only 6 seconds… yikes! Scares me to think that the leukemia could have caused some permanent damage in that leg.

The good news is that the therapist felt like she was making great gains, doing well in comparison with many kids at this stage of the game, and that the activities we are already doing (biking, swimming, dancing) are all therapeutic in and of themselves. She suggested that we do home therapy with her for the time being and save our PT visits for a time when she may need them more, like when she is taking more vincristine. She is coming back next Friday to teach us a home program, which is based on play activities, and will check in on us by phone for the next few weeks.

We continue to have a really hard time with Tanner’s behavior. We are no strangers to challenging behavior from her… anyone who knows Tanner knows that her huge personality doesn’t come without it’s drawbacks. But, she is definitely pushing us to our limits. There is no punishment that she won’t take, at this point, to be able to have a fight with us; and she is picking fights at every turn. I can’t help but believe that fighting with us allows her to release some of the anger she is feeling but doesn’t know what to do with. We’ve decided to stop basing our discipline on punishment alone and just stop responding to her invitations to fight, a strategy which is very difficult for me. I’m also going to contact the social workers at Vanderbilt and ask how we can help her express some of this anger in a healthier way.

It’s so hard to know the right thing to do in this situation. It’s always hard, as a parent, to feel like you’re making the right decision, but this is definitely uncharted water and I feel more unsure than ever before that I’m doing right by her. I want her to know that the rules still apply, even when you’re sick, but also realize that I can’t even begin to understand what she is going through. Even though it feels like the whole family has leukemia, we don’t; she bears that burden alone.

It’s been a fun weekend, but also a trying one. It’s so sad to mar this time where she feels so good with all this discipline, but it’s just necessary. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Pray that we have the patience to deal with her with firm love and understanding and that she finds a way to express herself to us, or someone, so she feels better.

Love,
Beth

It’s Just What People Do

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July 11, 2009 Several weeks ago, I received an email from a friend in West Tennessee letting me know that an 8-year-old girl in his neck of the woods was just diagnosed with ALL. He passed on her Caring Bridge site address and I’ve checked in on her periodically since. Her name is Kinsee and she has T-cell ALL, which I knew to be more rare and more difficult to treat than most B-cell ALL’s (Tanner has pre-B cell ALL). This means a more aggressive treatment plan and a lower success rate. I was so sad for this family, but was captivated by the spunk of this little girl. She often writes her own journal entries, which hilariously, are all about food, since she is still on the aggressive steroids Tanner just finished.

Tanner and I pray every night for Kinsee, our friend Lily who is 8 and has pre-b ALL just like Tanner, and Bill Johnson, an adult fan of “Friends of Tanner,” who is going through cancer treatment. These are our known friends with cancer and we feel an odd kinship with them, though we have never met Bill or Kinsee.

Tonight, I went to Kinsee’s journal to check in on her progress. It had been a while and so I read back through a couple of weeks’ entries. My heart sunk. It has been determined that Kinsee has a very rare type of T-cell leukemia, known as “early” T-cell leukemia. I racked my brain, trying to remember if, in all my research about ALL, I had ever come across this type of T-cell ALL. I couldn’t. I googled it and found an press release dated Feb. 2009 saying that St. Jude, in conjunction with some Italian health authorities, have just discovered that this type of leukemia exists. It has previously been lumped in with all T-cell. Sadly, it is associated with a poor prognosis.

John and I sat on the sofa as I read him the press release, so sad for this family and so thankful that we have had such good news for Tanner’s outcomes at every turn. I said to John, “How do you hear that kind of news about your child?” He thought for a moment and said, “I think people probably ask themselves that same question about us.”

I remember hearing for the first time from the doctor that Tanner might have leukemia. It was, literally, inconceivable. She had back pain, not leukemia. We thought maybe kidney stones, appendicitis… but leukemia? It came out of left field and was just the most surreal, unbelievable thing. When the doctor first mentioned it, I was by myself with Tanner in the ER. I waited until John got to the hospital to tell him, because I was afraid he would wreck the car on the way to the hospital if I told him over the phone. When our pediatrician arrived at the hospital that evening and told us to “prepare yourselves for the fact that it is probably leukemia,” I had such a visceral, physical reaction to those words. I sobbed, I shook, my teeth chattered…

But, over the next few days, while we waited for them to rule out any other options and for the results of the bone marrow biopsy, which is the definitive test for leukemia, we slowly began to accept the idea. I couldn’t tell you how… you just do… because you have no choice, really.

So, I imagine this family hearing that their sweet little girl’s prognosis was much worse than they originally thought, reacted much the same… they sobbed, they shook, they shook their fist at God, and then they accepted it… because they have no choice.

When you child is sick, they need you plain and simple. It is the most natural thing in the world to respond to that need; it’s not heroic or extraordinary, it’s just what people do.

There are no Mother Teresa’s here at the Page house. We are just putting one foot in front of the other because we have to, and because, after a period of time, you accept what is in front of you, and this becomes your new normal. We get tired, crabby, fed up, frustrated and exasperated just like all parents do. And, we laugh, play, get silly, and goof off, just like all families do. Cancer doesn’t change that.

With this blog, I try to resolve my feelings at the end of every day. I try to find the bright spot that maybe wasn’t so evident in the thick of the day. I choose to focus on a moment, however small, that was beautiful, or poignant or sad or gutwrenching and pull out of it what was good, or what can be good tomorrow. It’s just how I, personally, handle this situation. You might handle it differently, but you would handle it, nonethless… believe me. It’s just what people do.

Love,
Beth

Being Different

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I felt like I was talking to an adult. To a friend or colleague who was telling it to me straight. Only I was talking to a five-year-old who has had to handle some pretty adult issues over the past few weeks.

Tanner had woken up from her nap in a great mood after having had a pretty good morning, overall. She was perched on the kid-sized table in our playroom. I was amazed. It was the first time I had seen her sit up without leaning against something in weeks. She was laughing at Jake and encouraging his wacky antics as he searched for the “monsters” she kept pointing out to him and telling him to run from. Then, the phone rang. It was my neighbor, Ashley, whose daughter, Corinne, is Tanner’s best friend. They wanted to come over for a few minutes and I thought it would be a great time since Tanner seemed to feel so good, so told them to come right away lest we lose the moment. That was where the fun stopped.

I told Tanner they were coming and she slid off the table and asked for a pillow so she could lie down leaning up against the table she was just perched on. She visibly slumped… face, body, legs. She looked miserable and terrified. I leaned down and said, “Don’t you want her to come?” She told me she didn’t feel good anymore. I asked her if she was scared and she nodded. I asked her why and she said, “Because we are not the same anymore. We’re different. I have leukemia.”

And therein lies the crux of the problem.

I would love to tell her they aren’t’ different, but I know exactly what she means. Corinne and her sister ran around the room, playing with our train table and a talking doll of Tanner’s, chasing Jake and generally, being kids. Tanner lay on the floor, being sick. She did liven up a little several times and talk animatedly about several topics, including, of course, food. But, right now, she sees huge differences between herself and her friends. They haven’t had to walk the road she’s had to walk over the past few weeks, they haven’t had to accept that they have a disease that will be with them for years to come, they don’t worry every day that their hair will fall out. She’s right… they are different… they are the kind of carefree kid mine was up until May 30.

Truth is, I don’t know what to tell her to make it better. I’ve never been through anything remotely like what she is facing. At five years old, she’s already topped my 40-plus years of living in the “difficult road to walk” category. I birthed her big self naturally, without any drugs, but that pain only lasted 22 hours and 17 minutes, not 3 years. I just don’t have any idea what she is really going through. For once, I am speechless.

In the end, our friends’ visit was exactly the kind of medicine we need more of. The more that Tanner sees that other kids still love her, still treat her basically the same, the more she may feel just like all the other kids. But, I still can’t tell her she’s not different… she just is. And, we’ll have to find a way to prove to her that different is okay.

Love,
Beth