Category Archives: good things

We Need Prayers

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I know you’re already praying… that’s just the kind of people you are… but we need to go into overdrive. Tanner continues to have fevers that come and go. Today, they were higher… 103. She is coughing almost constantly. She’s tested negative for all the known, testable viruses and, thus far, has grown nothing on her cultures suggesting she has a bacterial infection. Since she is not responding to the antibiotics, they think she probably has a virus, which they really can’t do anything about. They ran another chest x-ray today because of her cough worsening, but we haven’t gotten the results back yet. I think if it had shown pneumonia, they would have already started her on new drugs, so I’m assuming it was negative.

She actually feels fairly good and is in good spirits. When her fever spikes, she feels pretty bad, but tylenol brings it down and they give her oxycodone for pain and then she is better and a bit kooky!

A bed opened up in the oncology unit and we got moved there this evening. We’ve been on a general peds floor and we are grateful we have been moved to the floor where the nurses are more attuned to her particular problems. They drew more cultures tonight after her fever spiked again, so maybe something will turn up and tell us what this is so they can treat it better. It’s frustrating and we feel helpless when we are told the plan is to “stay the course and hope she fights it off.”

Her neutraphils and white blood cell counts have not improved at all and her hemaglobin and some other counts have dropped some. It’s scary, but we have to have faith that we are in the right place with doctors who will know how to make this turn out okay.

One funny story… we had a singing transporter today take us to the x-ray room. He had a wonderful voice and sang Elvis, Jim Croce, some Christmas songs and many others. He and Tanner sang Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in the elevator and he made her promise that next time, she would teach him a Hannah Montana or Taylor Swift song. The people who work here are the very best kind of people.

You probably saw the picture of Tanner in her new hair today. It was a miracle that “hat wig” came in the mail today. It was supposed to take 5-7 days to get here, but arrived in 3 days, just in time. Tanner’s hair is all gone now save for a few wisps. She looked at herself in the mirror today and cried. She told me she looked hideous. Then, the wig came and she got so excited. She has even decided she wants the remaining hair shaved off as soon as possible, something that will make her feel more comfortable and will actually be cuter than the wispy pieces. She likes the new wig so much that we ordered another in strawberry blond! She’s deciding whether she wants brown as well.

So, I’m praying to the Virgin Mary tonight… I figure she’s a Mom too and knows what it’s like to worry about her child.

Love,
Beth

Kicking those steroids to the curb

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October 21, 2009 Tanner finished this pulse of steroids tonight! Yay! No more until Long Term Maintenance. It is my understanding that steroids affect the kids in all different ways… some get hyper, some get really belligerent, some get super sad. Tanner acts as if she has been run over by a truck. She is just limp— physically and emotionally. Today, I was helping her get to the bathroom and I noticed she didn’t grip my hand at all, she just let it lay in mine… limp.

I am feeling better today. The antibiotics kicked in and I was even able to take off my mask. My friend Beth invited us over this morning to hang out at her house with mutual friend Anna Lynn and her daughter Elise while the two earth mommas were making applesauce (no one even suggested that I participate in that!). It was a great idea because it gave me the opportunity to wear Jake out running on Beth’s acre and a half while Tanner could lie on the couch. Tanner really wanted to go, even though she felt so bad. I carried her to the car and she slept most of the way there. When we got there, I carried her in the house and put her down in a big, comfy chair and she never moved until we left. Just sat in the chair and watched TV and spoke when she was spoken to. Poor thing. Jake did get the expected exercise looking for the geese that were not at the pond and jumping over goose poop (his idea, not mine). Tanner got a change of scenery, but she was wiped out when we left.

Beth and her husband Glenn came over later and made us some yummy shrimp scampi and ate with us. It was a nice day, despite the fact that Tanner felt so lousy.

Now, we just have to wait until the steroids get out of her system. She started to get a stuffy nose and is coughing tonight, so I’m hoping she’s not getting sick. She said it was hard to breathe, which could either mean her lungs have some fluid in them or she could have low hemoglobin, which carries oxygen in your blood.

She is also losing hair by the fistful. At this rate, she may not have any hair by next week. I must have combed big piles of dead hair off of her 7 or 8 times today… it’s heartbreaking. She doesn’t seem bothered by it, but she’s so numb from the steroids, I don’t know if that’s a true reaction or not. I pulled a big hunk off her back today and put it in my jewelry box so later, when she is bald and missing her hair, we can pull it out and remember how beautiful it will be when it grows back.

This is definitely the most tenuous and stressful phase of her treatment besides the first month after her diagnosis. It is every bit as difficult as we imagined it could be. I am worried constantly. Does she look anemic? Is she getting sick? What will this next round of chemo do to her? Will she need a transfusion? How will she handle losing her hair? Will she be able to trick-or-treat? Etc., etc., etc. It’s exhausting. Oddly enough, I’m not normally a “worrier.” But, you would have to be dead not to worry. I’m trying to just look ahead one day at a time… that’s all I can really count on.

Tomorrow is Clinic Day. We’re just going in for counts, so it should be quick unless she needs a transfusion, and then it will be really long (see what I mean by not being able to count on anything?). Hopefully, she beats the sniffles and doesn’t wake up sick. They told us she would likely be in the hospital 2 or 3 times during DI, but surely they didn’t mean all in the first month?

Love,
Beth

An Ode to Steroids

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October 14, 2009

Oh steroids, how I hate thee
The way you make my daughter acteth like a monster
The dozen of meals I make a day because of you
Make me hate thee all the more.
The kicking, the screaming, the tantrums you cause
You are like an eclipse on the darkest of days
How I hate thee,
Let me count the ways.

Apparently 7 days off of steroids just isn’t enough for them to fully leave Tanner’s system, so now day 2 of this pulse of steroids is really just a continuation of the last pulse… day 9, if you will… which is when all the fun really begins.

Poor Jake said to me today, “Mom, she cares me,” which in Jake-speak means, “She scares me.” He just didn’t know what to do… she would call him into her room to play and then 10 seconds later, scream at him to get out and leave her alone.

On the plus side, she did make efforts to calm herself. She went to her room several times and got under the kitchen table once to try to get hold of herself. By bedtime, she was just a cranky, pitiful whiny mess. John carried her to bed and she lay with her back to him while he sat on the floor and read her a story.

Five more days… we can make it.

She is ravenous, as usual when on steroids, and I am frankly hopeful that she will gain some weight over this week. Her legs have gotten painfully thin and a little buffer to get us through the next 5 weeks of DI would be great.

Yesterday, she ate a corn dog, French fries and a slush at 9:30 am on the way to clinic after having 2 big bowls of cheerios for breakfast. Then, at 12:30 on the way home from clinic she ate another corn dog, tater tots and milk. The nausea then set in and she stopped eating until dinner. Today at lunch, she ate 2 bagels with cream cheese, two gogurts and two helpings of pineapple, got up and cried that her stomach hurt from eating too much. Then, five minutes later, said she felt better and wanted chex mix. I made her wait 15 minutes (really only 10 because I couldn’t take any more whining). Twenty minutes after the chex mix, I came down from putting Jake down for his nap and heard her in the fridge. She was pouring herself a glass of milk and had a cup of goldfish, which she refilled twice over the next hour. I think she is probably about a day away from all-night eating. Insane.

It is a little painful to see her “argue” with herself over the food. She knows that if she eats too much her stomach will hurt, but she is so compelled by the steroids to eat that she literally talks to herself about it. “I’m just going to wait a little bit before I eat this… yes… I’m afraid my tummy will hurt… but maybe just a few minutes, cause I’m really hungry… I really want it… maybe just a few more minutes, etc., etc.”

She takes Dexamethasone, which is 4 times as powerful as prednisone, if you have ever taken that for anything. I have taken the prednisone,and by night 2, do not sleep at all. So far, she is sleeping, but I suspect that will change in the next night or so.

Meanwhile, we’re trying to be patient without letting her get away with murder. She knows that they are making her act bad and she seems very sorry about it and is trying to control it as best as a six-year-old can.

Did I mention it’s just five more days?

Love,
Beth

You Can’t Stop Progress

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October 13, 2009

Tanner and I dropped Jake off at school this morning and, after stopping at Sonic for our usual drink orders, headed to Sweet and Sassy for a haircut. She has been feeling really good the past two days and I wanted to do something special on our day together. Tanner has not had her hair cut since long before she was diagnosed, and it certainly didn’t seem prudent to cut it while it was falling out, but since she has held on to it so well, I thought it could benefit from a little trim to make it look prettier.

Amazingly, the hairdresser told me that Tanner is growing NEW hair. Sure enough, I look and little sprouts of hair are standing up all over her head. How can this be? With as much chemo as she is processing at the moment, how can something be thriving?

Then, I thought about how in some ways, I feel as if we have been standing still for the past 4 ½ months. Waiting… lots of waiting… for doctors, for medication, for the worst of this to be over so we can try to pick up our life and resume some normalcy. But, unbeknownst to me, Tanner has not been waiting… she has been growing. She is too little to understand what this process should be doing to her body, to her life even… so she does the only thing that kids know how to do… she grows.

Her homebound teacher, Mrs. O’Hara, told me yesterday how pleased she is with Tanner’s progress lately. The two of them have found a rhythm that, if anything, is allowing Tanner to progress in her schoolwork at a faster pace than traditional schooling would allow. Her reading is improving by leaps and bounds and she is a spelling demon. At a time when I worried that she would fall behind her classmates, she continues to shine and grow.

I have also noticed a new maturity in the past few weeks. She seems calmer, somehow. Some of the frantic energy that gets her into trouble seems more in check than normal. She seems to be thinking more before acting or speaking. I haven’t had to discipline her in quite some time and it is nice for it to be so peaceful.

So, while I’ve been busy trying to just hang on until Long Term Maintenance, Tanner has quietly moved on with things. I could take a lesson.

I went to a Board Meeting for Jake’s school tonight and it was so nice to talk about something other than cancer. I probably need to make a better effort to keep growing during this time, too.

Over the weekend, Tanner received cards from a 4th grade class at her school and from her own 1st grade class that meant the world to her. To see that she is missed and the kids want her to come back made her light up. She read the cards over and over again, smiling. It’s the first time, I think, that she has felt missed at school.

So, we’re putting last week behind us… it was rotten, but we made it and that’s what counts. I am a firm believer that it doesn’t matter how messy it looks while you’re making it through, it’s the fact that you came out the other side that matters.

Now, I am going to sleep in my daughter’s room… again… because she can’t sleep without the dog. Anybody have a sleepy dog for rent?

Love,
Beth

Tanner Page… My Hero

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IMG_1231October 2, 2009 Tonight, as we crossed the Shelby Street Bridge, I looked behind me and in front of me to see thousands of illuminated red balloons, marching along at a determined pace, sweeping along with them the occasional bobbing white balloon for blood cancer survivors and too many gold balloons marking the loss of a loved one. Among these red balloons carried by those who love and support someone currently fighting blood cancer or someone who has survived and beaten it, somewhere around the middle of the pack, was a white balloon attached to a red wagon carrying a pale, but determined six-year-old propped up on pillows and wrapped in a pink High School Musical blanket. That child was my daughter and I was prouder of her in that moment than I have ever been before.

When I left the house at 5:30 pm to make my way to LP Field and meet up with Team Tanner, she was in my bed having managed to choke down a slice of bread and some applesauce. It was the first food she had eaten since the night before and she looked weak and sick, but was firm on the fact that she and John would meet me at the walk a little later. On my way downtown, John called to say she had thrown up 3 or 4 times and that they would not be coming. My heart sank… she wanted this so badly, had worked so hard to raise this money. While we were still on the phone, John says, “Wait, she’s up and says she’s coming!” We talked about keeping her home, but decided to let her make the call and she and John said they would be on their way shortly.

Tanner arrived, packed comfortably in her wagon, with a tired smile on her face, but happy. She said she felt better and joked and posed for pictures with the team. She never got out of the wagon except to go the bathroom and, even then, I carried her the few steps to and from the port-a-potty, but she never complained, and even perked up enough to, hilariously, eat a barbecue sandwich while being pulled through downtown Nashville by her Dad. She made it on sheer grit, a childlike desire for fun, and a maturity I had never seen her show on this level.

The walk was a beautiful event. The weather was perfect, downtown Nashville sparkled and there was an impressive turnout. I thought I would be a weepy mess, but I only cried once, when we found the luminary that Keith Harper created for her, lit along the side of the road with many others. It said, “Tanner Page, My Hero.” Indeed.IMG_1228

Other than that, it was a mostly joyous event that was too uplifting to make me cry. Even those who were walking in memorial of a loved seemed to be celebrating a life lived well, if not ended well.

Our team was wonderful and perfect, a great mix of our friends, some co-workers, some former co-workers, some church members, and some just old friends. I am glad to have shared this magical night with them… it was special for all of us, I think. Thanks to Robin, Kim, Beth, Glenn, Paula, Rebecca K and Rebecca L, Anna Lynn, Abbey, Amy, Keith, Leslie, Pat, Bobby, Lauren and Larry for walking with us. And, many thanks to everyone who donated; we raised more than $7,500. Larry wins the prize for having travelled the furthest; he hails from New Jersey and had flown in the night before from Maine, just to walk with us. Rebecca K wins the trooper award for walking nearly two miles and standing on her feet for an hour beforehand while 9 months pregnant (I am not worthy…). We are blessed many times over to have such wonderful friends who are carrying us through like the red balloons carried the whites.

We carried adorable signs that Robin made, with pictures of Tanner and slogans like “We love Tanner,” and “Team Tanner Rocks.” I think Tanner realized, for the first time, that she is not alone. That there are lots of people with cancer, that there are tons of people who love her, and that she is never alone in this journey, although she probably feels like it sometimes.

On the way home, I looked into the rearview mirror to see my little girl, asleep with the chain of glow bracelets Anna Lynn had brought her looped over her ears and dangling down, ridiculously. She had joked only minutes before that they looked like earrings, then asked if she could have her nighttime meds when we got home because she was starting to feel sick again. She looked beautiful and strong, even though she was pale and physically weak, and I marveled at her determination.

This is my daughter. And she is fighting cancer tooth and nail.

Love,
Beth

Blessings & Curses

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September 30, 2009 Tomorrow will be both a blessing and a curse. It is the long-awaited day of the Light the Night walk for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, a joyous day we have been really looking forward to. But, it is also the first day of the Delayed Intensification treatment phase, a day we have been dreading.

It will be an odd day, but I think it’s awesome that it will end on the up note with the walk at 7:30 at LP Field.

We are still hopeful that Tanner will be able to come, but there are certainly a lot of hurdles to jump. First, her counts will have to be high enough for the doctor to clear her (we’re pretty confident about this as her counts have been high and she did not have chemo last week). Second, if her hemoglobin has gone down and she has to have a transfusion tomorrow, we will be at clinic for so long, we probably wouldn’t make it. Third, she has to feel like coming (and this is where we may find our sticking point).

Tanner’s first day of Delayed Intensification starts with a bang. The whole goal of this phase of treatment is to ferret out and destroy any insidious little leukemia cells that may be hiding, and for that job, they bring in the heavy artillery. Tomorrow, Tanner will have a lumbar puncture with and injection of methotrexate, an IV infusion of Vincristine and an IV infusion of Doxorubicin, a chemo she has never taken. In addition, she starts the dreaded oral steroid, dexamethasone. We’re hoping with a nap in the afternoon, we can bring the wagon and pull her when she gets tired. She really wants to come. So, we’ll see.

We are so honored by those who have chosen to donate to Tanner’s team. It floors us that we have had to raise our goal not once, but 3 times, due to the overwhelming generosity of friends, family and some we have never met. We have currently raised more than $7,200. I cannot find the right words to thank people enough or to explain what this has meant to us… to have something like this to look forward to.

Our friend, Rebecca Little, has a way with words and best summed up the way this event has made us feel. She said we must feel like the guy on the cell phone commercials with the huge network behind him. Only our network is one of love and support! What a perfect analogy! Every donation, every person signed up to walk, every wish for success, has wrapped us in love and support… and tomorrow night we will literally be surrounded by it. I so hope that Tanner can come. She needs to feel what John and I feel, and I think tomorrow night is the kind of night even a six-year-old can understand.

Thank you is not the right word… I just can’t find one that is adequate.

Love,
Beth

Golf Carts and Scarecrows

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IMG_1216September 29, 2009 It’s a strange title for a post, but I couldn’t think of any other way to sum up our jam packed and super fun day today. We got up this morning and headed to Lily’s house for a play date. You’ve probably heard us talk about Lily before… she is 8-years-old and has pre-b ALL, just like Tanner. She and Tanner had such a good time playing and her Mom, Larisa, and I got to swap stories and share information, so it was good all around. Lily has a little Chihuahua named Rosie that Tanner fell in love with and she spent the rest of the day asking me if we could get one after our dog, Millie dies… thank God the dog can’t understand English.

Larisa took us all, even Rosie, on a ride around their neighborhood to tour some playgrounds and parks in their golf cart. Everyone loved that and it was such a beautiful day. It just felt so good to be out. And, I think it probably felt good for Tanner and Lily to be playing with someone that just “gets it” with no explanation needed. Lily had to take some medicine while we were there and I could see Tanner thinking, “just like me.” Both girls are out of school now, so we’ll try to get together again soon.

We came home after Lily’s house and ate lunch. Tanner got up to go to the bathroom and fell down, then she fell down on the way back… uh oh. Five minutes later, she was sitting on the couch and just began screaming and grabbing her right leg. I could tell she was in great pain and no position we tried to lay her in helped. I ended up having to give her pain killer, which eventually made her more comfortable, but she lay on the sofa and whimpered on and off for the next hour or so. She was supposed to have a dance lesson, but we canceled it. She started having pain in her leg last night and I noticed her limping on it several times today. I assume it’s neurapathy from the Vincristine, but it’s still unsettling as this is the leg that hurt so bad from the leukemia at diagnosis.

The painkiller eventually did it’s job and we went to a friend’s house for pizza and scarecrow making. All the kids stuffed their own clothes and created some very cute scarecrows. It was great fun and Tanner just seemed like one of the girls with these friends who have been so unfailingly good to us. I got a lot of grown-up girlfriend time today too, which I think really lifted my spirits.

Tanner’s six-year-old friend, Leah, held a lemonade stand today to raise money for Light the Night… so, so sweet. We’re taking her proceeds with us to the coinstar tomorrow so we can count it up and make another donation. We’ve raised almost $7,000 thus far, surpassing our original goal of $5,000 and even our second goal of $6,5000. We’re humbled beyond humbled and so hopeful that Tanner will be able to come to the walk and see all those who will be there to support her. I know I will be an emotional mess that night… it’s really just too much to believe people’s kindness. If you see the blond woman mopping her eyes and sobbing at LP Field, it will be me.

What a great day!

Love,
Beth

Lemonade for Leukemia

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Lemonade for Leukemia

Lemonade for Leukemia

September 28, 2009 This afternoon, Tanner, Jake and I made a pink sign that said, “Lemonade for Leukemia.” Then, while Tanner had school with Mrs. O’Hara in her classroom, Jake and I made lemonade and packed the wagon with a card table and chairs, cups and Leukemia and Lymphoma Society red bracelets.

At 5:10, we pulled the wagon across the street and set up shop. An hour later, we packed back up, having collected $259 for Tanner’s Light the Night Team. Yes, you read correctly… $259!!! Tanner is so excited. We came home and I thought after dinner we would count up the money and make the donation on-line. But, Tanner had other ideas… she wanted to know if she could have the loose change that John and I throw into various containers throughout the house. Needless to say, we’re taking it tomorrow to Kroger to put it in the Coinstar machine to be counted.

But, here’s the best part… she lost a tooth today (that’s a whole other story) and we put it under her pillow for the tooth fairy. After putting her to bed, I came down to eat dinner and she showed up on the balcony and said, “Mom, I want to write a note to the tooth fairy to ask for extra money for Light the Night. Can you help me?”

So, she dictated the following note:

Dear Tooth Fairy,
Please leave extra money so I can get ahead of the other team and have the most money for Light the Night.
Love, Tanner, Jake, Mommy and Tanner

She asked me, while I was writing the note, why I kept laughing. I wanted to tell her that I loved her competitiveness, her never-give-up attitude and her wonderful innocence in thinking that we could somehow make up the $4,000 that separates us from the first place team. That is the attitude that will help her come through this stronger than before and I love seeing it.

So, look out! Tanner Page is on a rampage to be the high dollar fundraiser for Light the Night this year.

I want to thank my friend Robin Embry for putting together this Light the Night team for us and all my dear friends at Lovell Communications for jumping in to help. I don’t think we would have ever done this without her and it has turned out to be the most positive thing for us. I know that I’ve dedicated a lot of blog space to this event, but it’s not just because we want so badly to see this cancer eradicated. This fundraiser has given us, and especially Tanner, something positive to focus on and has empowered her to feel like she could have some effect on this disease. That is priceless and we thank everyone for helping her feel this way.

Now, excuse me while I go find my wallet and make sure the tooth fairy is generous.

Love,
Beth

This Is How a Cure Happens

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September 27, 2009 I’ve been sitting here on the sofa for the last hour writing thank you emails to those who have donated to Tanner’s Light the Night Team. I’m happy to say it’s not the first time I’ve spent time writing thank yous for the event, nor will it be the last, as I am still not finished. I’ve had tears in my eyes for the vast majority of the time I’ve been writing. I can’t believe the generosity of our friends, our family and those we have never even met.

Tanner was so excited when I told her that we had passed our goal. In fact, we haven’t just passed it, we’ve blown right by it in a flurry of generosity that has made me hopeful that someday, no one will have to ever get leukemia. In the past four days, we have raised another $1,000 for a total, as of this writing, of $5,920. I can’t believe it!

This is a how a cure happens… one donation at a time… donations in honor of a little girl who appreciates it so much.

We’re planning our lemonade stand for this week so Tanner can contribute as well. She’s really excited and so hopeful that she’ll be able to walk with us on Thursday. John and I said today it will be a “perfect storm” of circumstances if she is able to come, but we’re still hoping.

We had a wonderful weekend. My parents took on the responsibility of Tanner’s medication (I didn’t realize how complicated it was until I tried to explain it) and kept the kids overnight while John and stayed in downtown Nashville Friday night. We had a great dinner at my favorite restaurant, a good night’s sleep and a leisurely, uninterrupted breakfast before meandering our way home Saturday afternoon. It was wonderful and my parents are awesome. They stayed with us Saturday night and the kids loved getting to see them.

Tanner has had some odd moments of not feeling well and not being able to describe her symptoms that have me worrying about her red counts, but her energy continues to be great, so I’m trying not to worry about it. Poor thing, I keep staring at her face to see if her lips are blue and picking up her hands to look at her fingernails. I’m sure she’s sick of me.

We have some cancer kid friends that need your prayers … Tanner reminded me last night not to forget to pray for Kinsee – an eight-year-old with T-cell ALL who goes to St. Jude on Tuesday to begin preparing for a bone-marrow transplant. She will undergo intensive radiation and chemo treatments until all the cells in her bone marrow have been killed and her white counts are down to 0. Then, they will transplant the donor’s marrow into her bones and see if she recovers. She will be in the hospital for a minimum of 100 days. This is a very dangerous procedure that, Thank God, is not part of Tanner’s treatment plan.

Another eight-year-old you have probably heard me talk about, Lily, has had very low neutraphil counts. Neutraphils are your big, infection-fighting white cells and a normal count level would be from 5-10,000. Lily’s neutraphils last week were at 300. She has had to be pulled out of school until her counts recover, after just having been able to return. Lily has not been feeling well the last two days and has had a low fever. Please pray that her immune system recovers and she does not have an infection or virus.

Thank you so much to everyone who has donated to help stop this disease, or at least find a more humane way of treating it.

We love you,
Beth

Happy Birthday to Me

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September 23, 2009 If you read Tanner Time this morning, or if you were one of the 50 or so people who sent me some kind of good wishes today, you know it is my birthday. Wow! What can I say? How do you thank a husband who does something like that? Or, friends who send so many kind wishes?

Today was full of the normal things… laundry, dishes, diapers… but every time I checked my email, I got a little burst of birthday cheer! Then, my two best friends, Beth and Kim, and Beth’s husband, Glenn, brought dinner and cake to the house. We ate, sang, and laughed, a lot. My husband and kids gave me a giant singing card, money to go shopping and a subscription to People Magazine. It was the perfect kind of birthday.

Friday, my parents are coming to take care of the kids while John and I spend Friday night in downtown Nashville. What a treat for everyone! The kids will love having Grandmom and Grandad here and John and I will get a date night and our first uninterrupted night of sleep in a long time. Yay! My birthday will just go on and on… I love that!

Thank you so much for all the kind and encouraging words today… I was blushing by noon. If I’m only half as strong as people think I am, I’m doing okay ☺. Actually, there is an Eleanor Roosevelt quote printed on the back of my Leukemia and Lymphoma Society “Relentless” T-shirt that I hope to live up to some day. “Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

I know myself enough to know that I am not the kind of person who will never complain, not the kind of person who will always put others first, not the kind of person who is eternally positive. I complain often and definitely have my down moments. But, I am strong, to the point of being stubborn sometimes. Fortunately, I think this is one of the requirements of making it through a journey like this. I believe Tanner may have inherited some of this stubborn strength from me. She is so strong willed that she can drive you crazy sometimes. But, she can also kick some serious cancer butt.

Today, I was brushing Tanner’s hair and quite a bit fell out. I gathered it up and was on my way to throw it in the trash, when Jake head butted Tanner… with his face. Blood everywhere, screaming, busted lip… ugh. Later, when we returned from Tanner’s play therapy appointment, Tanner found the clump of hair on the couch where I had abandoned it. She held it up in two hands and said in a kooky voice, “Awwww.” Then, she threw it up in the air, laughing, and ran off to play race cars with Jake. Just in case all those kind words today went to my head, my daughter reminded me to be humble in the face of true strength.

Hope your day was great, too.

Love,
Beth