November 3, 2009 Tanner doesn’t seem to be bouncing back from this recent bout of pneumonia the way she normally bounces back from things. Normally, she gets more and more energy every day until she seems back to normal – or leukemia normal, at least. But, this time, she just seems about the same every day. She’s still napping every day and still tired at bedtime and she doesn’t really play all that much; she mostly wants to stay on the couch. Now, it’s only been four days since she was in the hospital, so she may be just recovering slowly from a pretty big illness.

Or, it could be the fact that she is on three antibiotics and her body is just trying to deal with that. I suppose it could also just be the effects of the chemo still. Or, last but not least, she could be getting close to needing a transfusion.

Whatever the reason, she’s tired, which is kind of okay since I am, too. So, we dropped Jake off at school today and came home and lay on the couch and watched movies. It was lovely.

Her teacher was supposed to come this afternoon, but Tanner fell asleep in the car on the way home from picking up Jake from school and I didn’t have the heart to wake her. She wouldn’t have been much good to anyone if I had. She slept several hours and still went to bed on time, tired.

Jake had a great time at school today, but told his teacher several times throughout the day that mommy wasn’t coming back. He woke badly from his nap and was sobbing when I got there. Poor thing… he hasn’t known who was coming or going the last couple of weeks.

Friday is Tanner’s long chemo day. I honestly don’t know how they fit everything they are going to do to her into one day. If she needs a transfusion, I imagine it would mess up the whole shebang; a transfusion takes up to four hours. If she still seems super tired tomorrow, I may take her on Thursday to get her counts checked before Friday.

Tanner and I were in the bathroom at church today after dropping Jake off for school and she was wearing her little fanny pack with her antibiotic drip hooked up. She asked how many more days we had to do this and I told her just one more, but then starting Friday, we have to do five days of IV chemo at home. She said, “We have to take chemo every day?” I nodded and said, “I’m afraid so, sweetie.” She seemed to think about it and then replied in a very adult voice, “I’m gonna feel really crappy.” I told her she was welcome to use any word she wanted to describe it; she’d earned the right.

Tanner’s right… she’s going to feel really “crappy.” And, we’re going to feel crappy watching her suffer. And, Jake is going to feel sidelined and confused by everybody’s crappiness and Tanner’s irritability. Let’s face it, cancer sucks. But, it’s four more weeks of this particular brand of chemo hell, and we can make it. The Pages are strong like that.

Love,
Beth