Category Archives: Beth Page

Making Lemonade

Posted on by
4

March 25, 2011

It’s been spring break this week for both Tanner and Jake. Since Tanner had chemo this week, we didn’t go anywhere, but decided to make the most of our staycation by scheduling a fun activity every day.

Monday, we played in the gorgeous spring weather we were having earlier this week (not so much now!) at a playground with some friends. Tuesday, we went to the Tennessee State Museum. They were having an Egypt exhibit, and Tanner is fascinated with Egypt. Turns out, I think we enjoyed the state history even more. Tanner and I have been reading the Little House on the Prairie books, so it was fun seeing the pioneer history fleshed out at the museum. Tanner kept recognizing things like a butter churn or a yoke for oxen that we had read about in the books.

Jake totally cracked us up because he was making up a story for everything he would see, and tell it in this really serious voice.

“Let me tell you about this,” he would say. “This is boat and it’s tied up and the ropes made it not sail right.”

“Was the boat okay?” I asked.

“Nope, it sank to the very, very bottom of the water with the fish,” he said seriously.

Tanner and I started asking him about everything we saw, just to hear what he would make up.

Wednesday was clinic day, but we made plans to see a movie in the afternoon with friends. On the way home, we stopped to get gas and buy some candy for the movies (yes, I realize that’s against the rules). Unfortunately, when I tried to start up the car to go, it wouldn’t. The kids and I got out the car (in the rain of course) and walked across the street to a Firestone and got them to tow my car, and called John to pick us up. I had seriously had it at that point. But, the men at Firestone were so nice and John was, as usual, like a breath of fresh air. He cheered up the kids and resuscitated me with his infectious enthusiasm. “We’re making lemonade, people!” he yelled in the car. “I never get to see you guys in the middle of the day… I love it.” We went home to let the dog out and then dropped John off at work, still on schedule to make our movie… until Anna Lynn called to tell me it was sold out… really.

Now, I was just mad… until I started laughing. I mean, seriously, what else can you do at this point? I had worked too hard to get us to this stupid movie. Thankfully, our friends were game and we found another movie theater playing the same movie an hour later. We prevailed!!! We filled almost a whole row of the movie theater and the kids laughed out loud at the movie.

Thursday, the kids got a much-needed break from one another with separate playdates. Tanner went to a friend’s house and Jake had a friend from school over. Then, Tanner, John and I went to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Man and Woman of the Year campaign kickoff where Tanner was officially announced as Girl of the Year along with Jack Woods, Boy of the Year. They debuted the video we had shot a month or so ago. It’s a great video, although Tanner is uncharacteristically shy in it. This was taken not long before we decided that she needed medication for anxiety. You can see her in this video regressing to babyish talk; very unlike her. Just underscores for me that we made the right decision.

In contrast, last night she was working the room, full extra-large personality in play. The event last night was pretty grown up at a nice restaurant and at one point, John and missed her. We thought she was sitting at the table playing with John’s phone. Instead, we spotted her across the room, standing on a chair, talking animatedly to three men, who were laughing and talking back. Then, the photographer asked to take a picture of them. They did one serious shot and then Tanner got them to all make silly faces. John said, “Should we go ask what she was talking to them about?” I paused and said, “No, I think I’d rather not know.”

Here’s the video:

2011 LLS Boy & Girl of the Year from Nathan Thompson – Disegno Video on Vimeo.

And, today, we had big plans to see the marionette show at the downtown Nashville library. The Whitlers were meeting us there and everyone was excited. The kids were playing on computers in the library waiting for the show to start when we figured out they didn’t have a show today (something I did not see on the Website). But Ron Whitler (Tanner Time’s blog host), who is a long-time friend and from the same school of lemons as my husband, didn’t miss a beat and just said, “We’re game for whatever, let’s go to lunch.” So, we went to Margaritaville and had a great time.

So, I want to thank all the people who helped me make lemonade this week, including Tanner, who has been a trooper despite not feeling very well from steroids, and Jake, who never fails to make me laugh. I am truly blessed by the most amazing friends and family.

Love,
Beth

Clinic Day #48

Posted on by
3

March 9, 2011

We were due at clinic this morning for a counts check, since Tanner’s chemo was raised two weeks ago. But, frankly, I think we would have gone in anyway; Tanner’s cold has gotten worse over the past few days. She’s been congested and coughing with no relief from allergy meds.

I hate expecting the worst, but I did. I packed some necessities quietly in my purse, just in case we ended up staying. I figured if Tanner’s counts were really bad, they might keep her, considering the cough and congestion.

Thankfully, I was worried for no reason. Her counts were perfect – 1320 – and they decided she has a sinus infection and gave us oral antibiotics to take. No IV antibiotics, no hospital stay… amen.

On the way home, Tanner was really stressed that we weren’t going to make it back in time for recess at school. She had also been really mad that morning because John and I told her she might not be able to go to school at all today. They were rollerskating in gym class and she did NOT want to miss that important educational opportunity! When we pulled up to our house to run in and get her backpack for school, I told her she had missed recess. She got really mad at me and it suddenly occurred to me… she blames me for lots of this. She BLAMES me.

Because I’m the one who delivers most of the bad news… “You can’t go to Spirit Night at Chuck E. Cheese because you might get sick.” “We need to go to the hospital this morning.” “You have to take this nasty medicine.” “I’m going to have to pull you out of school early… again.” As you can see, I’m a pretty easy target.

After I got back in the car with her backpack, we drove to school and I reminded her that I would be back in a couple of hours to take her to see Allison, the play therapist. Tanner has NOT been happy about seeing Allison lately. When she got out the car at school, she would not talk to me or say goodbye to me.

I got out the car and grabbed her shoulder to turn her to me. She resisted and I squatted down and held both of her arms so she had to face me.

“Do you know how much I love you?” I said. She shook her head. “I love you so much that I would 100 times rather have leukemia myself than to watch you have leukemia.”

Tanner’s eyes widened. I had her attention now. “I would do anything to take this away from you… but I can’t. There is nothing I can do to change the fact that you have leukemia. But you know what I can do?”

Tanner shook her head again.

“I can take the very best care of you that I can. I can take you to the hospital when you need to go, and I can keep you from doing something or going somewhere that might make you sick. I can make sure you take all of your medicine and that we go to see Allison so we get rid of all the bad feelings. This is all I can do; and I do it the best I can. I don’t make us have to go to the hospital or have to take medicine… leukemia does that. Does that make sense?”

“Yes,” she said with some little tears in the corners of her eyes.

“Tanner it hurts my feelings when you are mad at me for these things. I know they stink, but I’m just trying to take care of you. Can you try not to be so mad at me?”

My daughter put her arms around my neck and hugged me hard. She sniffed and said, “Hold my hand while we walk in, okay?”

By the time we got into the school office, she was bright eyed again and eager to get to P.E. for skating. And, when I picked her up just two hours later to go to Allison’s, she did not get mad at me… for the first time in months.

I’m learning that antidepressants don’t keep her from getting mad or frustrated or sad. But, they do make it easier to reason with her and for there to be a better outcome to the conversation. Three weeks ago, that conversation would not have been possible at all. Three weeks ago, Allison said that she saw a miserable little girl who had lost the ability to pull herself out of her unhappiness.

On the way home from Allison’s we saw the biggest and most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. I told Tanner I thought it meant good luck to see such a huge rainbow. She thought maybe it meant she would stay healthy for Sleeping Beauty. I think maybe it meant there are brighter days ahead… we just have to hang on.

Love,
Beth

Good News All Around

Posted on by
4

November 20, 2010

Friday was full of good news. First, I got my scan results… and they were clean!!! I should have posted last night, but I think I was just so relieved, I just wanted it to all go away and not even think about it anymore. They found remnant tissue around my thyroid, as they expected, but the radiation was doing its job in killing that. And, they didn’t see anything else… nothing!!! That’s what I like to hear. Now, to get back to life without all these interruptions.

Second, we found out Tanner got a role in Annie. She will be an orphan named Kate. Talk about one ecstatic child! She threw her arms up in the air and screamed as only a seven year old girl can. Rehearsals don’t start until January, but she’s been singing “Hard Knock Life” for days. Even Jake can belt out a resounding rendition of “Tomorrow” at this point.

Jake scrapping for the ball

Today, Jake had his end of season soccer party at CiCi’s pizza. He had a great team with really nice kids and parents so we had such a good time. The coach gave out trophies… you’ve never seen anyone more proud than Jake. He carried that trophy around half the afternoon with this big grin on his face. The pictures are on John’s phone, but I’ll post some next time. He really was adorable.

On a breakaway

I think it’s just sinking in for me that this latest health debacle is actually over. I think one of the side effects of becoming strong enough to handle what we’ve been through is that you also become a little numb to news – be it good, or bad. It’s like you just brace yourself for the worst and it’s difficult to believe it’s actually good news instead of bad. Even though my cancer has not been hard to deal with physically, it’s been hard on our family mentally. Just the disruption to our lives over and over and, for John and I, feeling like we were kicked when we already down. I just want to be able to move forward with some things, instead of always feeling like we’re treading water trying to keep from drowning. Swimming to shore and standing on dry ground would be a nice change.

Congratulations from a friend

Celebrations all around. Hurray for good news.

Love,
Beth

I Come Home, Tanner Goes to the Hospital

Posted on by
1

November 17, 2010

As I was on my knees fastidiously de-radiating my friend, Kim’s house so I could go home to my family, John and Tanner were on their way to the hospital with a fever. The cough she had been fighting all week finally peaked and she was up to 102 degrees. John was able to skip the ER and go straight to clinic (much faster). Fortunately, her fever came down and her counts were high enough that they were able to come home after an IV round of Rocefin (a broad-range antibiotic).

She took a big nap yesterday afternoon, but was feeling fine by bedtime, despite some coughing during the night. We kept her home from school today, but we all went in for her Thanksgiving play and Thanksgiving lunch (I didn’t stay for lunch as I am still not clear to use regular non-throwaway utensils). The play was cute and she is feeling fine. I think she will be able to return to school tomorrow.

The bumped up chemo has done it’s job. Her neutraphils were at 1,150, which is about perfect for maintenance. Her hemoglobin and platelets, however, are holding strong, which is all great. Hopefully, they won’t drop any more and she can just stay at this perfect spot.

While she and John were at the hospital, they met some Titans – Mark Mariani (L) and Robert Johnson (R) – who were visiting kids in the infusion room. Tanner looks like a little sapling between two mighty oaks, huh?

I’m feeling just fine… a little tiny bit fatigued, but otherwise back to my normal self. I can be around the kids, but can’t touch them much. No more than 30 minutes of contact a day until the day after Thanksgiving. I get quick hugs to try to sustain me.

John’s Mom is on duty and has been a great help. She’ll get Jake to school tomorrow while I go into Vanderbilt for my body scan. This should tell us whether the cancer had spread anywhere beyond the thyroid. I have to lie still for an hour-and-a-half. Let’s hope I can listen to an ipod… otherwise it’s going to be a very long scan. Maybe I’ll nod off…

Speaking of nodding off…

Love,
Beth

On Its Way Out

Posted on by
3

I think the radiation is definitely on its way out. I feel much better today after several days of mild malaise and fatigue. Even stopped by the house today to pick up Domino and take him for a walk. The walk was tiring, but it felt good to get moving and be outside. I think my friend Kim is going to come home to find a permanent indention in her new sofa in the shape of my heiney. I’ve read two books and watched countless movies and even gotten a few (a very few) things done.

Mostly, I miss my family. John and the kids seem to be doing great, but I know it is unsettling for the kids to keep having me drop out of sight while I recover from the surgeries or now while I am hiding my glow from them. Tanner still doesn’t know I have cancer, but I think she is smart enough to figure out that it’s somewhat serious and it makes her anxious. But, mostly I think they just miss their mommy… and I miss them. Still, I think John has really enjoyed his time with them.

I’ll come home Tuesday. Even though I can’t touch the kids more than 30 minutes cumulatively each day, I can at least be around them by then and I can help. And, I can get hugs, even if they’re quick. That will feel good.

I go back to Vanderbilt Thursday for a body scan to see how effective the treatment has been and determine if the cancer had spread anywhere outside the thyroid. If it had, the cancerous tissue would have absorbed the radioactive iodine and it would show up on the scan. I think I have to lie still for 1 ½ hours (can you say, “Nap?”).

I ended my low iodine diet today at dinner time. John and the kids did a “drive by” and brought me Jets pizza, some candy and a cake in the shape of a turkey that says, “Glow, Mama, Glow.” I laughed out loud. Jake was so cute bringing me the candy. He put it on the ground and backed away from me and said, “You’re done with your diet!!!!” Sweet thing. It killed me not to be able to give him a big hug.

Tanner has her Annie callback tomorrow night. She seems to have gotten over her cold and cough pretty much, so I think her voice is back in singing form. I wish I could go so badly, but I’ll just have to get a report from Daddy.

Thanks for all the well wishes. People have been so nice… as always.

Love,
Beth

All Aglow

Posted on by
2

November 12, 2010

I’m aglow… with radiation! I’m sitting on a plastic tablecloth on my BFF Kim’s couch watching the Today show. It’s like a vacation as long as I forget why I’m here. I don’t feel really bad, but I don’t feel good either. I feel like I’ve been poisoned… go figure.

I’m still on the low iodine diet through Sunday to ensure the radioactive iodine absorbs into any remaining thyroid tissue as well as possible. So, Beth is coming over to make us hamburgers with homemade French fries and homemade ketchup. Yum! How does a girl thank friends like these? The thing is, I knew that they would take care of me… it’s just what we do for each other.

John and the kids dropped by last night and rang the doorbell and drove off before I could answer (This is affectionately referred to as the “Ding Dong Ditch” in the South). They left funny gifts the kids had picked out… a reindeer antler headband and a “Do Not Disturb” eye mask! Too funny!

Yesterday was surreal, but a little anticlimactic. No hazmat suit for the lady who gave me my RAI pills (I feel ripped off), just gloves. But, the pills themselves came in a space age looking metal canister. When she opened it, the metal was 2 inches thick and there was a very small indentation inside with a small plastic vial in it. The pills were in that vial and I had to take them without touching them (apparently it’s okay to touch them with the inside of your body, but not the outside!). Then, after I took them, a guy came and measured me from one foot and three feet away with a radiation detector to determine how radioactive I was. Apparently, everyone is different depending upon body mass (this is the one time it would have paid to have been more overweight than I am). Then, they write your contact precautions based on those measurements.

So, no closer than three feet from someone for me and six feet for kids or pregnant women for at least three days, but our doctor suggested we go seven days for that precaution. Even after that, I’m not allowed to have direct contact with the kids for more than 30 minutes a day for the next 16 days. Bummer. I’m going to miss cuddling with my babies so bad. But, I can get out more than I thought. No reason I can’t run to the video store or grocery during off hours when there aren’t a lot of people.

I feel like I’ve hijacked this blog… it is called Tanner Time, after all. So, here’s how Tanner’s doing. She’s having a somewhat hard time handling this extra chemo load. I think we had gotten spoiled being on 50% chemo for so long and now she’s on 100%. She missed school Monday and Wednesday. She just didn’t feel good. And, she’s fighting some kind of cold. Jake had a mild case of croup this week and missed school, so it’s been a little nuts this week.

Tanner auditioned for an orphan role in Annie last weekend and did so well. She has a callback this Monday and is so excited. It was a leap of faith for John and I to even let her try out because the rehearsal schedule will probably be a little tiring, but we just felt like it was something she wanted so badly that it was worth it. I was so proud of her for doing so well at the audition; she had just had that big dose of chemo and was on steroids, but she still got up there and gave it her best. Hope her cold clears up by then.

I think if nothing else, I am gaining a new respect for Tanner’s resilience. She has pointed out to me several times over the last few weeks that I am just like her – I can’t eat what I want, I have to stay away from people and I have a yucky taste in my mouth that changes the way food tastes. And, now I feel bad like she must have so often over the last year-and-a-half. I’m having a mini-dose of her life. Wow. I respect her even more. She doesn’t complain often and now I realize she really could. I have to say if I woke up one morning and felt like this, I would call in sick to work, but I think she goes to school like this some days. Strong kid, that girl of mine.

Thanks for all the well wishes; I’m doing just fine.

Love,
Beth

Trick-or-Treat

Posted on by
1

Wow! What a difference a year makes. Last year, Tanner had just been released from the hospital at 1 pm on Halloween after a 10-day stint for pneumonia. She had lost all her hair while in the hospital and had come home with her port accessed so we could give her IV antibiotics around the clock for the next few days.

This year, no worries. She is full of energy and has beautiful new curly hair and looked adorable as Alice in Wonderland. She and Jake had so much fun trick-or-treating. Our neighborhood was FULL of trick-or-treaters which always makes for a good time.

We’ve had a great weekend. Nothing special, just simple fun playing with neighbors and hanging out at home. I’m on day 4 of my low iodine diet. It’s a little repetitive and limiting and with no dairy allowed, I’m missing creamy stuff. But, I think I’m losing some weight, so there’s that silver lining you can almost always find!

The worst part of the diet is no chocolate or red dye #3, which pretty much eliminates all candy… on Halloween! It almost didn’t seem like Halloween without the candy coma.

Tanner will have to miss three days of school this week because they are offering the flu mist Tuesday, which is a live virus and Tanner can’t afford to be around a large number of people with that vaccine in their system. Dr. Mixan said three days. Wednesday is clinic day and she will have the dreaded LP. We’re forgoing all anti-anxiety meds this time. I’m going for bribes — silly bandz????? We’re also going to sit down with her and let her plan HOW she gets the sleepy milk. Does she want to lie on the table or have me hold her or sit in my lap. What does she want them to say before they give it? Or, does she want to count to three before they give it? Does she want music playing? What does she want to eat or drink when she wakes up? I think giving her control of what we can will help her feel less helpless. We’ll see.

Hope your Halloween was spooky and happy!

Love,
Beth

Big News

Posted on by
7

October 26, 2010

Some exciting news has come our way this week… Tanner has been named the 2011 “Girl of the Year” for the Tennesee Chapter of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!!! What an honor! We’re so proud of her.

What does this mean? It means that the 14 or so candidates for Man of the Year and Woman of the Year will be raising funds in honor of Tanner and the Boy of the Year, Jack Woods. The kids will be LLS ambassadors at parties and events for the fund-raising campaign and even appear in ads. Tanner positively lit up when I asked her if she wanted to do it. Her duties will begin sometime in January and end in June.

Thank you all for supporting her during the Light the Night walk. Our unprecedented success as a “friends and family” team definitely played a huge role in Tanner receiving this honor.

Another piece of news is that I am starting my low iodine diet Thursday in preparation for receiving a radioactive iodine treatment in a few weeks… ugghhh. This radiation treatment is a pill that I take at the hospital and then I can’t be around anyone for five days (and the kids for eight days) while my body is ridding itself of the excess radiation. The iodine is absorbed into any remaining thyroid tissue, along with the radiation, and the idea is that it kills any remaining thyroid tissue, hopefully decreasing the chance of cancer recurrence. Thyroid cancer can recur at any time, even 20 or 30 years later, so I will be tested every year for the rest of my life, essentially. I’m actually relieved that they recommended the radiation… I just want to get rid of this stuff.

Once again, John will have to do it all… work, take care of the house and take care of the kids. I feel so helpless that he will have to do all this… again. I know I have said it before, but I will say it again… cancer sucks.

The low iodine diet is interesting. Since most salt we use in the U.S. is iodized, almost all processed foods are prohibited. No soy, dairy, seafood of any kind, etc. It made for an interesting shopping trip. Thank God for my friend, Beth. She spent all day yesterday baking bread, rolls, muffins and crackers for me from the thyroid cancer cookbook so that I wouldn’t have to survive without carbs for the next two weeks. Who has friends like this? I figure with bread and salt-free natural peanut butter, anyone can make it.

We’ve had a good week so far. Tanner’s energy seems to be back full force and she and Jake are amped for Halloween. Next week, she has a lumbar puncture with chemo injection, so that is looming over our heads, but we are trying not to think about it too much.

Tanner’s school is doing “Pennies for Patients” again in her honor. It’s a LLS fund-raising campaign where kids bring in change from home to benefit LLS. Moore Elementary continues to support our family in ways we never imagined.

I’m going to relish my last day of processed food tomorrow. I’ll miss pizza most, but diet coke is allowed, so I’ll make it!

Love,
Beth

Finally… Some Good News

Posted on by
4

October 4, 2010

We’ve been anxiously awaiting the pathology report from my most recent surgery… and I mean anxiously. You see, we’ve gotten used to bad news… even come to expect it. I thought for sure, they were going to tell me my parathyroid glands were cancerous as well and we were going to have another surgery to take out those. Three surgeries in three months… I told John I was seriously going to cry if that happened… for the first time in a long time.

Today, we were pleasantly surprised! My pathology report was clear… no cancer at all in the right side of my thyroid… hallelujah! So, no more surgeries. I will go to the endocrinologist later this month to determine what the next steps are… maybe nothing… maybe radioactive iodine. But, we can handle that.

Score one for good news!

We had a fun weekend with the kids. Jake had a soccer game Saturday morning, then we took them to Toy Story on Ice. They had a ball. Then, Sunday, we took cupcakes to the sweet kids at church who had raised so much money for Team Tanner. I took the check from the church, along with some other checks people have given me, to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society today. Our total, to date, is $14,491. Ah-mazing!

The Light the Night Walk is this Thursday. Tanner’s clinic day is Wednesday. Sucks, but it just seems to work out that way. She’ll be on steroids for the walk and for Moore Miles, her school fundraiser, the next day. Don’t know how many laps she’ll be able to run with the steroids and IV chemo in her, but I’m willing to bet she will surprise me… she always does.

I gave up trying to make them be serious for the picture!

This picture serves as a special thank you to everyone who sent in poptops for Tanner. We received several packages of poptops; Tanner and Jake are so excited by how many we now have. We’ll take them to church this week and put them in the jar for the Ronald McDonald House. Can’t imagine the extra burden of having to be away from home for this treatment. Thank God we live so close to Vanderbilt Children’s.

So much good news… feels so good.

Love,
Beth

WE DID IIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Posted on by
Reply

September 21, 2010

Oh, you wonderful people… with a little more than 2 weeks to go, we have officially surpassed our Light the Night goal of $10,000!!!!!! Oh my gosh!!!! As of this writing, we have $10,185!!!!

We are so thrilled to be making this contribution toward hunting down this vile disease and finding a way to make it go away for good!!! A way that doesn’t hurt so much, doesn’t take so much, and doesn’t take so long. A way that works for all forms of blood cancers, not just a few. A way that offers hope where there is currently little.

But, we’re not stopping here! Let’s see how far we can go. Let’s see how big of a difference we can make. We still have our church’s Light the Night walk for the kids on Sunday the 26th, for example. So, we know we’re not stopping at $10,000.

If you need more information to decide whether this is a cause toward which you would want to dedicate some of your charitable giving, there is a Leukemia and Lymphoma Society video on YouTube that would be worth watching. It is a good overview of the nationwide event with personal stories from survivors and those who are walking in honor of those who didn’t make it. Last year’s Team Tanner is all over the video. Look for signs with Tanner’s picture, our Team Tanner banner carried by Keith and Leslie, and a shot of the whole team grouped around Tanner’s wagon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df4a9XV8rBk It really is such an uplifting, special event.

Tanner’s story from last year’s walk is also on the LLS Website. Tanner was extremely sick the day of Light the Night. She had endured four types of chemo that day and we pulled her in a wagon because she was too weak to walk. Her strong spirit was intact, though, and she insisted on coming. You can read her story at http://www.lightthenight.org/tn/localchapter/patients.

Go Jake, go!

We had a great weekend with Jake’s soccer game on Saturday and Tanner singing in church on Sunday. Jake LOVES soccer! After a rocky start (he pulled the goal down on top of himself and spent a considerable amount of time crying about it instead of playing), he did super and looked so proud of himself and happy playing. It was great for us all to be there, cheering him on and for him to have the spotlight.

Making a friend

I’m feeling stronger every day. I’m pretty much back to my day-to-day activities at this point with the exception of not being able to lift anything heavy (including Jake) or doing any strenuous housework. I have an appointment at the end of October to find out if I will need the radioactive iodine therapy, and won’t know if my parathyroid came back clean for another week or so. So far, so good.

Thank you for all the well wishes, kind thoughts, prayers and meals this past week. I have said it often, but I will say it again… you do not walk through a year like we’ve just had alone. You would wither up and blow away. You are carried by the kindness of those you love, those you know and even those you don’t know. Never underestimate the power of even the smallest of kindnesses. They make life bearable when everything else says otherwise.

We are blessed amidst our difficulty.

Love,
Beth