Why Me?

August 15, 2010

I’m struggling a little today with “why me?” Why does it feel like just when we’re getting our feet back under us, something else comes along to wash away the very ground under us? Why do we keep having to scrabble back up to dry land? Why should one family have so much to deal with at once?

It’s not that I don’t believe it could be worse… I know it could. But, it could certainly be a lot better, too. Can I get an Amen?

My extended family is at the beach this week. It’s an every-other-year trip that I really look forward to. My parents, brothers, nieces, sister-in-law, aunt, and significant others and the Pages all rent a big house in Santa Rosa for a week in August. Except this year we can’t go. Tanner can’t swim in the ocean and the chemo makes her extra sensitive to the sun, so us going would have been an exercise in frustration.

I love the beach. There is something about that breeze that comes off the water, the salty smell, the sound of the surf hitting the sand… it all makes me feel like I somewhere so far away from home that none of my problems can follow me there. I found myself this morning crying because I knew that even if we had been able to go there this year, our problems would have still followed us. No amount of fresh salt air could have washed away Tanner’s cancer, much less mine. It couldn’t have washed away the year behind or the year to come.

So, I’m stuck in “why me?” land. But, I find that when I ask that question, more good things come to mind than bad.

Why me? What did I do to deserve such an awesome husband? One who puts us before himself every day. One who is unfailingly thoughtful. One who is there like a rock, no matter how bad it gets.

Why me? Why did I get such sweet, funny, spunky, creative, bright, energetic, happy children? One who is brave beyond her years and one who makes his mama smile even on her worst days.

Why me? Who has friends and family like we do? The kind that send a gift card to Panera, or flowers, or a meal, or a pair of flip flops for my tired feet. The kind that just show up when you need them, no matter what time. What a blessing.

Why me? Why did I get the most successfully treatable cancer there is? Why didn’t I get something scarier, like breast cancer? For that matter, why didn’t Tanner get AML instead of ALL? Or be 15 instead of 5 when she was diagnosed? Or be a boy instead of a girl? There are so many ways we have been blessed within our difficulties.

“Why me?” can be a pity party or a revelation. It depends upon how I choose to look at it.
I choose the latter.

I choose this life. The one I have right now with these people in it. With all the surgeries, the hospitals, the doctors, the pills, the cancers, the fear of what may come… I still choose it. This is my life with my family and friends and the good things will still outweigh the bad… if I let them.

Love,
Beth

7 thoughts on “Why Me?

  1. Beth, you have a talent for writing that really hits home your point. “Why me?” – I love the way you turned it around. As I started reading this post, I thought it would be sad & melancholy, but you switched paths and made it inspiring and hopeful. And you’re so right. Even amidst the struggles and heartaches, there are many blessings.

  2. Honestly, I found myself asking, “Why you?” after reading yesterday’s post. Once again, though, your grace astounds me. I’m sure the questions will keep circling, but you have a great perspective. There is more light than dark in this world, and in our lives in particular. Thanks for the reminder.

  3. Wow…you inspire me every day Mrs. Page. Reading about your struggles…your life…your thoughts… the way that you choose to handle the situations that you encounter. You are truly a hero. I look up to you and hope I can be like you someday. Thank you for writing this blog, it really encourages me. I always keep you guys in my prayers. Today in church we talked about how God never gives us something we can’t handle…as long as we are leaning into his strong arms for strength and not relying on our own strength. such an amazing promise..it is one of my favorites!

  4. Amen!
    You could’ve chosen to have all the wrong attitudes through all this, but you’ve chosen the right one. And it’s that attitude that has given you the strength to face every challenge thrown at you.
    Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Beth,
    Your words and attitude are inspirational. I miss you. I am here for you. let’s go for a manicure. When can you get away?
    Hugs,
    pat

  6. I will give you that Amen! You are truly an inspiration to everyone that knows you and everyone that reads your blog. You have handled everything that has been put on your plate with grace and dignity and then you catch those monkey wrenches right handed and throw them back where they belong….with gusto. I know where Tanner gets her fight and her strength! You are a rock, too! You have shared so much by blogging and putting your feelings out there….and you have made so many of us learn great lessons through your strength and courage. Thank you so much for sharing your life. We are all on your side and continue to pray every day for your family….with special prayers for you and Tanner….my heroes!

  7. Beth – I haven’t been able to read the blog in several weeks and a friend just told me about you. I am so sorry. I think you deserve to say “why me?” … but I ditto everything that everyone else has said. You really are an inspiration to us all. Prayers will continue … just may shift a bit 🙂

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