February 24, 2010

Tomorrow is Tanner’s clinic visit. She will get an IV dose of Vincristine, have a spinal tap with methotrexate and, of course, get counts. I had this hope that she would be high enough that she could at least go into school tomorrow for her class photo. I don’t want her to look at her yearbook and see her whole class there without her. I’m not saying I thought it would really happen, but I hoped it might.

This morning, Tanner has come down with the cough that Jake showed up with yesterday. Of course. It might be fine. Her counts might be high enough for her to fight it off; she’s done it before. Or, it might not be fine. Her counts might take a nose dive again, she might get a fever and have to go to the hospital for antibiotics, she might get pneumonia and become an inpatient. Count on nothing when leukemia is involved.

And, that’s just it. Count on nothing. Hope for nothing. Only I can’t help it. I hope. I just do. I try not to. I tell myself it will end in disappointment. I have learned not to share my hope with Tanner so she is not disappointed too. But, I can’t seem to live expecting the worst. It’s too bleak.

So, I think I’ll be disappointed again tomorrow. I think I will probably not hear that she can go have her picture made with her class. She will not know to be disappointed now, but she will be later when she sees the class photo she is not in.

As one of my cancer mom friends said recently, long-term maintenance is better, but it still stinks. Amen.

Love,
Beth