Category Archives: family

Christmas Spirit

Posted on by
3

December 22, 2010

Christmas last year

Every year, the Christmas spirit hits me at some point. I may have been preparing for weeks, going through the motions because I know I have to or I will get behind, but not really enjoying it like I want to. Last year, it hit me when a sweet friend sent Santa to our house because she knew we wouldn’t be able to get out to see him that year. He arrived in a black pickup truck and came in amidst shouts of joy from my kids. He snuggled my bald little girl and tried to coax Jake to sit on his lap to no avail. And when I hugged him goodbye, I whispered in his ear, “Thank you so much… I didn’t think we would get to do this this year.” And, he whispered back, “I know… that’s why I came.” POW! The Christmas spirit hit me like a ton of bricks!

This year, it has come in more gently. I’ve been trying to enjoy the kids being home and their anticipation of Christmas, but mostly it has seemed like too long of a week without school before Christmas this year. But, this morning, sometime between 10 am and 1 pm, Christmas arrived for me. We invited two families over to decorate Gingerbread houses. These are not just any friends… they are dear friends. These are the girls that showed up, silently, at the hospital to hold my hands as we waited to find out if Tanner would make it through the night when she had to be life-flighted to Vanderbilt for a drug reaction. They are the girls that bring food without being asked, bring crafts when they know we have been housebound too long and take Jake with them when I need to focus my attention on Tanner. They are those easy kind of friends that are more like having family around your house.

So, we gathered this morning, kids happily smearing glue-like icing on gingerbread houses and eating easily as much candy as they smothered on. The girls did a nutcracker show, the boys played batman and air hockey and the Moms got some much needed girl time in a long week with no school.

A sugar coma in the making

When they all left and I sent the kids to their rooms for some quiet time, I realized that I was finally in the Christmas spirit. I put some music on the ipod and made fudge and counted my blessings… my many, many blessings.

When John got home, we went to see some Christmas lights and then, after everyone went to bed, I made Christmas morning breakfast casseroles to freeze in anticipation of Christmas day.

Christmas is just a magical time when, despite all the hubbub, there are genuine moments of such kindness to be found. Like the other night when my friend, Ron, called to say they had a special package for Tanner on Christmas day. I met Celia in the Kroger parking lot (okay, it was the liquor store parking lot, but that didn’t sound so good!) and we talked for 45 minutes in the freezing cold, catching up. Celia and Ron had pulled some favors and got a signed copy of Taylor Swift’s new CD for Tanner. It says, “I (heart) Tanner.” Swoon. In addition, the daughter of the person who got the CD for Celia made Tanner a necklace out of a Taylor Swift guitar pick.

In the bustle of season our friends had remembered us. That is the Christmas spirit.

I know I haven’t written in a while, so here are some of the highlights of the past two weeks:

– Jake had his Christmas program at school where he wore one blue transformer glove the entire time he was on stage singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
– Tanner had pajama day, went can caroling for the Second Harvest Food Bank and enjoyed her last day of school before Christmas break.
– We had our picture taken with Santa. Started out as a kids only picture, but since Jake wouldn’t get anywhere near Santa without me, we all jumped in. As you can see, he is clinging to my leg for dear life.
– Beth, Tanner and I went to see the Nutcracker. It was beautiful and reminded me so much of when my Mom used to take me to see it in downtown Philadelphia as a little girl.
– Beth knew me well enough to offer to go with me to return Domino to the rescue organization he came from. She was a great distraction. We drove to Jackson, TN, and handed him over to, hopefully, find a loving home without little kids. I still miss him terribly, but we’re ready to start looking for our new, family friendly dog after Christmas.

If it hasn’t already, I hope the Christmas spirit creeps up on you or hits you right between the eyes!

Love,
Beth

A Plea

Posted on by
4

December 14, 2010

I’m writing this with my laptop propped on Domino’s back since he is nestled half on my lap and half on the bed. With great sadness, we have realized we cannot keep Domino. He has nipped Tanner twice in the past month and has begun chasing neighborhood kids when they run into the yard. We had a trainer coming next week to work with him, but just decided that he would be much better off with a family without children. So, he will be going back to the rescue organization that had him before he went to the prison on Saturday, UNLESS someone out there is looking for a beautiful and loving Dalmatian/pointer mix who would make a great pet for a family without kids.

Here are his particulars: He is three years old, neutered, micro-chipped, up to date on shots, heart-worm and flea control. He has passed his AKC Canine Good Citizenship test and knows sit, down, stay, come, give a paw, rollover and Bang! He is completely and very reliably house-trained and crate trained. He never chews anything up unless it is food or smells like food (he is quite a chow hound and has a great nose, so you have to be careful leaving food out). He is smart and silly and loves to be near his people. He has never shown any aggression towards John or I and does not challenge our authority. He would probably do best as the only dog and does not like cats. He is initially growly and seems aggressive when meeting a dog, but mellows out if the other dog does not want to fight. He needs regular exercise, but is definitely not as energetic as a pure Dalmatian and is very calm and docile in the house. He needs to be an inside dog with outside privileges.

So, if you or anyone you know are interested, please respond to the post ASAP. You wouldn’t be sorry. We are heartbroken to have to let him go.

Love,
Beth

Good News All Around

Posted on by
4

November 20, 2010

Friday was full of good news. First, I got my scan results… and they were clean!!! I should have posted last night, but I think I was just so relieved, I just wanted it to all go away and not even think about it anymore. They found remnant tissue around my thyroid, as they expected, but the radiation was doing its job in killing that. And, they didn’t see anything else… nothing!!! That’s what I like to hear. Now, to get back to life without all these interruptions.

Second, we found out Tanner got a role in Annie. She will be an orphan named Kate. Talk about one ecstatic child! She threw her arms up in the air and screamed as only a seven year old girl can. Rehearsals don’t start until January, but she’s been singing “Hard Knock Life” for days. Even Jake can belt out a resounding rendition of “Tomorrow” at this point.

Jake scrapping for the ball

Today, Jake had his end of season soccer party at CiCi’s pizza. He had a great team with really nice kids and parents so we had such a good time. The coach gave out trophies… you’ve never seen anyone more proud than Jake. He carried that trophy around half the afternoon with this big grin on his face. The pictures are on John’s phone, but I’ll post some next time. He really was adorable.

On a breakaway

I think it’s just sinking in for me that this latest health debacle is actually over. I think one of the side effects of becoming strong enough to handle what we’ve been through is that you also become a little numb to news – be it good, or bad. It’s like you just brace yourself for the worst and it’s difficult to believe it’s actually good news instead of bad. Even though my cancer has not been hard to deal with physically, it’s been hard on our family mentally. Just the disruption to our lives over and over and, for John and I, feeling like we were kicked when we already down. I just want to be able to move forward with some things, instead of always feeling like we’re treading water trying to keep from drowning. Swimming to shore and standing on dry ground would be a nice change.

Congratulations from a friend

Celebrations all around. Hurray for good news.

Love,
Beth

I Come Home, Tanner Goes to the Hospital

Posted on by
1

November 17, 2010

As I was on my knees fastidiously de-radiating my friend, Kim’s house so I could go home to my family, John and Tanner were on their way to the hospital with a fever. The cough she had been fighting all week finally peaked and she was up to 102 degrees. John was able to skip the ER and go straight to clinic (much faster). Fortunately, her fever came down and her counts were high enough that they were able to come home after an IV round of Rocefin (a broad-range antibiotic).

She took a big nap yesterday afternoon, but was feeling fine by bedtime, despite some coughing during the night. We kept her home from school today, but we all went in for her Thanksgiving play and Thanksgiving lunch (I didn’t stay for lunch as I am still not clear to use regular non-throwaway utensils). The play was cute and she is feeling fine. I think she will be able to return to school tomorrow.

The bumped up chemo has done it’s job. Her neutraphils were at 1,150, which is about perfect for maintenance. Her hemoglobin and platelets, however, are holding strong, which is all great. Hopefully, they won’t drop any more and she can just stay at this perfect spot.

While she and John were at the hospital, they met some Titans – Mark Mariani (L) and Robert Johnson (R) – who were visiting kids in the infusion room. Tanner looks like a little sapling between two mighty oaks, huh?

I’m feeling just fine… a little tiny bit fatigued, but otherwise back to my normal self. I can be around the kids, but can’t touch them much. No more than 30 minutes of contact a day until the day after Thanksgiving. I get quick hugs to try to sustain me.

John’s Mom is on duty and has been a great help. She’ll get Jake to school tomorrow while I go into Vanderbilt for my body scan. This should tell us whether the cancer had spread anywhere beyond the thyroid. I have to lie still for an hour-and-a-half. Let’s hope I can listen to an ipod… otherwise it’s going to be a very long scan. Maybe I’ll nod off…

Speaking of nodding off…

Love,
Beth

On Its Way Out

Posted on by
3

I think the radiation is definitely on its way out. I feel much better today after several days of mild malaise and fatigue. Even stopped by the house today to pick up Domino and take him for a walk. The walk was tiring, but it felt good to get moving and be outside. I think my friend Kim is going to come home to find a permanent indention in her new sofa in the shape of my heiney. I’ve read two books and watched countless movies and even gotten a few (a very few) things done.

Mostly, I miss my family. John and the kids seem to be doing great, but I know it is unsettling for the kids to keep having me drop out of sight while I recover from the surgeries or now while I am hiding my glow from them. Tanner still doesn’t know I have cancer, but I think she is smart enough to figure out that it’s somewhat serious and it makes her anxious. But, mostly I think they just miss their mommy… and I miss them. Still, I think John has really enjoyed his time with them.

I’ll come home Tuesday. Even though I can’t touch the kids more than 30 minutes cumulatively each day, I can at least be around them by then and I can help. And, I can get hugs, even if they’re quick. That will feel good.

I go back to Vanderbilt Thursday for a body scan to see how effective the treatment has been and determine if the cancer had spread anywhere outside the thyroid. If it had, the cancerous tissue would have absorbed the radioactive iodine and it would show up on the scan. I think I have to lie still for 1 ½ hours (can you say, “Nap?”).

I ended my low iodine diet today at dinner time. John and the kids did a “drive by” and brought me Jets pizza, some candy and a cake in the shape of a turkey that says, “Glow, Mama, Glow.” I laughed out loud. Jake was so cute bringing me the candy. He put it on the ground and backed away from me and said, “You’re done with your diet!!!!” Sweet thing. It killed me not to be able to give him a big hug.

Tanner has her Annie callback tomorrow night. She seems to have gotten over her cold and cough pretty much, so I think her voice is back in singing form. I wish I could go so badly, but I’ll just have to get a report from Daddy.

Thanks for all the well wishes. People have been so nice… as always.

Love,
Beth

All Aglow

Posted on by
2

November 12, 2010

I’m aglow… with radiation! I’m sitting on a plastic tablecloth on my BFF Kim’s couch watching the Today show. It’s like a vacation as long as I forget why I’m here. I don’t feel really bad, but I don’t feel good either. I feel like I’ve been poisoned… go figure.

I’m still on the low iodine diet through Sunday to ensure the radioactive iodine absorbs into any remaining thyroid tissue as well as possible. So, Beth is coming over to make us hamburgers with homemade French fries and homemade ketchup. Yum! How does a girl thank friends like these? The thing is, I knew that they would take care of me… it’s just what we do for each other.

John and the kids dropped by last night and rang the doorbell and drove off before I could answer (This is affectionately referred to as the “Ding Dong Ditch” in the South). They left funny gifts the kids had picked out… a reindeer antler headband and a “Do Not Disturb” eye mask! Too funny!

Yesterday was surreal, but a little anticlimactic. No hazmat suit for the lady who gave me my RAI pills (I feel ripped off), just gloves. But, the pills themselves came in a space age looking metal canister. When she opened it, the metal was 2 inches thick and there was a very small indentation inside with a small plastic vial in it. The pills were in that vial and I had to take them without touching them (apparently it’s okay to touch them with the inside of your body, but not the outside!). Then, after I took them, a guy came and measured me from one foot and three feet away with a radiation detector to determine how radioactive I was. Apparently, everyone is different depending upon body mass (this is the one time it would have paid to have been more overweight than I am). Then, they write your contact precautions based on those measurements.

So, no closer than three feet from someone for me and six feet for kids or pregnant women for at least three days, but our doctor suggested we go seven days for that precaution. Even after that, I’m not allowed to have direct contact with the kids for more than 30 minutes a day for the next 16 days. Bummer. I’m going to miss cuddling with my babies so bad. But, I can get out more than I thought. No reason I can’t run to the video store or grocery during off hours when there aren’t a lot of people.

I feel like I’ve hijacked this blog… it is called Tanner Time, after all. So, here’s how Tanner’s doing. She’s having a somewhat hard time handling this extra chemo load. I think we had gotten spoiled being on 50% chemo for so long and now she’s on 100%. She missed school Monday and Wednesday. She just didn’t feel good. And, she’s fighting some kind of cold. Jake had a mild case of croup this week and missed school, so it’s been a little nuts this week.

Tanner auditioned for an orphan role in Annie last weekend and did so well. She has a callback this Monday and is so excited. It was a leap of faith for John and I to even let her try out because the rehearsal schedule will probably be a little tiring, but we just felt like it was something she wanted so badly that it was worth it. I was so proud of her for doing so well at the audition; she had just had that big dose of chemo and was on steroids, but she still got up there and gave it her best. Hope her cold clears up by then.

I think if nothing else, I am gaining a new respect for Tanner’s resilience. She has pointed out to me several times over the last few weeks that I am just like her – I can’t eat what I want, I have to stay away from people and I have a yucky taste in my mouth that changes the way food tastes. And, now I feel bad like she must have so often over the last year-and-a-half. I’m having a mini-dose of her life. Wow. I respect her even more. She doesn’t complain often and now I realize she really could. I have to say if I woke up one morning and felt like this, I would call in sick to work, but I think she goes to school like this some days. Strong kid, that girl of mine.

Thanks for all the well wishes; I’m doing just fine.

Love,
Beth

Trick-or-Treat

Posted on by
1

Wow! What a difference a year makes. Last year, Tanner had just been released from the hospital at 1 pm on Halloween after a 10-day stint for pneumonia. She had lost all her hair while in the hospital and had come home with her port accessed so we could give her IV antibiotics around the clock for the next few days.

This year, no worries. She is full of energy and has beautiful new curly hair and looked adorable as Alice in Wonderland. She and Jake had so much fun trick-or-treating. Our neighborhood was FULL of trick-or-treaters which always makes for a good time.

We’ve had a great weekend. Nothing special, just simple fun playing with neighbors and hanging out at home. I’m on day 4 of my low iodine diet. It’s a little repetitive and limiting and with no dairy allowed, I’m missing creamy stuff. But, I think I’m losing some weight, so there’s that silver lining you can almost always find!

The worst part of the diet is no chocolate or red dye #3, which pretty much eliminates all candy… on Halloween! It almost didn’t seem like Halloween without the candy coma.

Tanner will have to miss three days of school this week because they are offering the flu mist Tuesday, which is a live virus and Tanner can’t afford to be around a large number of people with that vaccine in their system. Dr. Mixan said three days. Wednesday is clinic day and she will have the dreaded LP. We’re forgoing all anti-anxiety meds this time. I’m going for bribes — silly bandz????? We’re also going to sit down with her and let her plan HOW she gets the sleepy milk. Does she want to lie on the table or have me hold her or sit in my lap. What does she want them to say before they give it? Or, does she want to count to three before they give it? Does she want music playing? What does she want to eat or drink when she wakes up? I think giving her control of what we can will help her feel less helpless. We’ll see.

Hope your Halloween was spooky and happy!

Love,
Beth

Big News

Posted on by
7

October 26, 2010

Some exciting news has come our way this week… Tanner has been named the 2011 “Girl of the Year” for the Tennesee Chapter of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!!! What an honor! We’re so proud of her.

What does this mean? It means that the 14 or so candidates for Man of the Year and Woman of the Year will be raising funds in honor of Tanner and the Boy of the Year, Jack Woods. The kids will be LLS ambassadors at parties and events for the fund-raising campaign and even appear in ads. Tanner positively lit up when I asked her if she wanted to do it. Her duties will begin sometime in January and end in June.

Thank you all for supporting her during the Light the Night walk. Our unprecedented success as a “friends and family” team definitely played a huge role in Tanner receiving this honor.

Another piece of news is that I am starting my low iodine diet Thursday in preparation for receiving a radioactive iodine treatment in a few weeks… ugghhh. This radiation treatment is a pill that I take at the hospital and then I can’t be around anyone for five days (and the kids for eight days) while my body is ridding itself of the excess radiation. The iodine is absorbed into any remaining thyroid tissue, along with the radiation, and the idea is that it kills any remaining thyroid tissue, hopefully decreasing the chance of cancer recurrence. Thyroid cancer can recur at any time, even 20 or 30 years later, so I will be tested every year for the rest of my life, essentially. I’m actually relieved that they recommended the radiation… I just want to get rid of this stuff.

Once again, John will have to do it all… work, take care of the house and take care of the kids. I feel so helpless that he will have to do all this… again. I know I have said it before, but I will say it again… cancer sucks.

The low iodine diet is interesting. Since most salt we use in the U.S. is iodized, almost all processed foods are prohibited. No soy, dairy, seafood of any kind, etc. It made for an interesting shopping trip. Thank God for my friend, Beth. She spent all day yesterday baking bread, rolls, muffins and crackers for me from the thyroid cancer cookbook so that I wouldn’t have to survive without carbs for the next two weeks. Who has friends like this? I figure with bread and salt-free natural peanut butter, anyone can make it.

We’ve had a good week so far. Tanner’s energy seems to be back full force and she and Jake are amped for Halloween. Next week, she has a lumbar puncture with chemo injection, so that is looming over our heads, but we are trying not to think about it too much.

Tanner’s school is doing “Pennies for Patients” again in her honor. It’s a LLS fund-raising campaign where kids bring in change from home to benefit LLS. Moore Elementary continues to support our family in ways we never imagined.

I’m going to relish my last day of processed food tomorrow. I’ll miss pizza most, but diet coke is allowed, so I’ll make it!

Love,
Beth

Why Don’t I Have Cancer?

Posted on by
3

October 18, 2010

As I was explaining to Jake this morning that Tanner needed a pink pill (Pepcid) because she has cancer, he innocently asked a question I really didn’t expect. “Why Don’t I Have Cancer?”

It broke my heart. See, he wanted one of those pink pills, just like he wants to get some of the gifts that Tanner gets (like the pink guitar), or the doctor that Tanner has (“I want to go to Dr. Mixan”). At 3 ½, Jake is just old enough to get that he’s not getting some of the things that Tanner is getting without understanding that he’s also not getting some of the things that Tanner is getting, if you get my drift. In other words, he sees that she has some “privileges” that he doesn’t, but doesn’t understand the price she pays for them.

So, now, my healthy little boy wants to have cancer, too. He’s too little to know you shouldn’t tempt fate by wishing for cancer in this family!

It was easier on Jake when he was too young to notice the special treatment Tanner sometimes receives (or what looks like special treatment to him). Jake was 2 when Tanner was diagnosed and was oblivious to all that. But, now he is just old enough to understand special treatment, but not old enough to understand that some of what looks like special treatment (clinic visits, medicine, extra hand sanitizing) is really not so great. I think he even envies her getting her port accessed.

And, just when I think he is completely jealous of her, I watch him be so supportive and sweet and think maybe he does get it. Last week, while Tanner was at school, we were riding in the car and I had an empty soda can in the cup holder. Jake said, “Mommy, give me the can so I can take off the pop top for Tanner… she will be so happy.”

It’s a difficult thing to manage… her needs versus his. How do you assure that she gets enough special treatment to make up for the medical treatments, teasing at school, missing out on social events and just feeling “different,” but not so much that it makes Jake feel like a second-class citizen? It’s just another element to the difficulty of having a child with a life threatening disease.

Tanner has had a somewhat difficult week or so. My “Mommy Radar” tells me something is going on and I am anxious to go into clinic on Wednesday for a counts check. She just doesn’t look good and her energy is not at its usual uncanny level. I actually took her to the pediatrician on Wednesday for a quick counts check, but all her levels were fine. There are a lot of kids at school sick with strep and some other viruses and I was worried about that. She looked pale and was complaining of shortness of breath and headache, both signs that her hemoglobin could be dropping. Thursday night, she came down with a stomach virus and was up all night vomiting. I thought surely she had strep, but she never got a fever or sore throat and was feeling better by Sunday. Now, tonight, she has a really bad stomachache that had me thinking we were headed to the ER. Tanner definitely knows what real pain is and she was showing me all those signs. I gave her a little painkiller and she has gone back to sleep, but all the same, I think I will sleep in her room tonight.

Even with all of this going on, we have managed to fit in lots of fun. Roller skating parties, gymnastics parties, S’mores with the neighbors, Gentry’s Pumpkin Farm, a Civil War reenactment battle, and so on and so on. It’s fall break and we’re headed to the zoo in the morning with friends for our last day of fun before school starts again.

I’m afraid on Wednesday that her counts will be so low, we’ll have to pull her out of school and other activities. It will be devastating to say the least.

It’s more than one mother or father can worry about some days. The kid who asks, “Why did I have to get cancer?” and the other who asks, “Why don’t I have cancer?” It’s a rock and a hard place for sure.

Love,
Beth

Lighting the Night with Joy

Posted on by
3

October 8, 2010

Light the NIght 2009

Last year, at the Light the Night Walk, we pulled Tanner in a wagon, propped up on a pillow, and covered with a blanket. She was pale and weak and tired, but determined.

LIght the Night 2010Last night, as we crossed the parking lot at LP Field, John and I exchanged a meaningful glance as he took a video of our daughter, pulling that same wagon, loaded with chairs and posters, all the way to the tent. She was bright-eyed, pink cheeked and, as always, determined.

It was a beautiful night and our tent was overflowing with the love and support of the friends and family that came there to lift up our family. Jake came this year, which made the night complete. After all, the four of us all have cancer in one way or another.

We had the best time. Tanner had three good girlfriends there and they sang, danced and skipped their way through 1.75 miles of sparkling downtown Nashville. The kids had their faces painted by Titans cheerleaders, jumped in the inflatables and ooohed and ahhed at the fireworks that started right as we crossed the Shelby Street Bridge. Jake was fascinated with the lighted balloons and collected them from walkers as we went along.

How many squealing 7-year old girls can fit in a wagon?

It was the perfect ending to a perfect day. After I dropped the kids off at school that morning, I met my friend, Margaret, who had come all the way from New Jersey with her husband, Larry, to walk with us. We had coffee and shared stories, then I picked up both kids early from school and got them home and down for naps.

Then, I checked Team Tanner’s site.

I couldn’t breathe for a moment.

There had to be some mistake.

Just five hours earlier, when I had last checked the site, we had a little more than $15,000. More than I had ever dreamed and I was so grateful. At 2 pm we had $19,000… really.

I searched through the individual fund-raising pages to figure out where this much money had come from in such a short period of time. I began finding large donations from John’s coworkers at Franklin American Mortgage Company. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I called John to tell him to personally kiss all of them for me.

I checked the site again about 2 hours later… $21,000. More tears. Another call to John.

One final check before we got in the car to head to the walk… $24,132. My hands were shaking as I yelled out to John to look at the computer screen. Unbelievable. Nearly $10,000 in one day… we could probably fund a study just from the money raised by Team Tanner this year.

It is a dream of ours that no family ever have to go through this again. That no child ever have to sacrifice so much of their precious childhood to a disease so insidious that it would kill in a matter of weeks if left unchecked. A disease that hides in their little bodies for years, waiting for a weak moment so it can make it’s way back into their bloodstream. Last night went a long way towards realizing that dream. You all have helped us feel victorious when it is so easy to feel beaten down.

We are so grateful that there really are no words.

Love,
Beth, John, Tanner and Jake

P.S. The walk was such a beautiful celebration of the spirit with which children and adults fight for the right to keep living, to keep finding more and more joyous days.
But, I was reminded in one swift moment, how quickly cancer can end a celebration. I saw a friend whose son is 20 months out of treatment. She said they had been to clinic that day for his every 3-month blood check and his counts were still very low; they have never recovered from treatment. He is having a bone marrow biopsy today to determine whether the leukemia is back. Sobering and terrifying and I can’t stop thinking about them. Please pray that the leukemia leaves this little boy and his family alone so they can keep enjoying their lives.